Celebrities teach us what not to do
By Never teh Bride
In honor of the now entirely official divorce of Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston and the entirely official marriage of Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore, I’d like to point you toward some advice that will help you avoid looking like the wrong kind of celebrity on your wedding day. You the ones I mean…the ones who set up more matrimonial pomp than the British monarchy. The ones that get married after knowing one another for four days or less. And the ones who stage elaborate weddings for their same-sex dogs.
Jenny Colgan has written up a list of 10 celebrity no-no’s at iVillage, including:
5. Don’t have a golden, Egyptian theme and get carried in on a table by gilded slaves, especially if you’re the size of Celine Dion’s husband, Rene.
6. Don’t ask a bunch of people you’ve just met to be your bridesmaids, dress them all in black, then spend the entire ceremony giving your new plastic-faced husband graphic tongue sandwiches, Liza.
If I were to write such a list, I would have to add that one should not get married to one’s waiter or waitress after a short period of engagement. Nor should one get married at 2:30 a.m. in an all-night wedding chapel in Vegas while falling down drunk. If you must tie the knot in the grand celebrity style, don’t have your prize purebred act as ring bearer if he’s a biter and don’t fail to invite your friends in favor of saturating your ceremony with picturesque A-listers. Don’t use your wedding as a soapbox to express your hardcore political views and for goodness sake don’t get married wearing a t-shirt covered in your beloved’s blood.
Finally, try not to get divorced an hour later. That’s just plain scary.
October 12th, 2005 at 5:30 pm
Such a quiet life that the Annalucia leads: not only is she unacquainted with any celebrities, there are several names listed in the article which she did not recognize at all. And from what she reads of their exploits, she comforts herself that she is not missing anything.
She has but one question for Never teh Bride - what does Mr. Celine Dion, aka Rene, look like, in that he should be particularly ill-suited to being carried on a table by “Egyptian slaves”? Not of course that anyone is *well* suited so such treatment, but now she is imagining either a weedy wisp of a man who could ride on the attendant’s back, or else a wrestler of the Sumo variety.
October 12th, 2005 at 6:24 pm
Annalucia, you are right not to let yourself be polluted by the tawdry lives of celebrities!
At the time of their wedding, René Angélil was a large beefsteak of a man, and not in the good way. I believe he has since embarked on a slimming program of some kind. What I find a tad disturbing is that Celine was only 12 when René became her promoter. I find that one should not marry a person one has observed going through puberty at a time one was not going through puberty oneself.