The registry faux pas
A friend of mine from long ago recently announced her engagement by way of an invitation to a party celebrating her future nuptials. I like such announcements because they give me a chance to razzle The Beard. I also love parties. In perusing the invitation, however, my joy was sullied by my finding a registry card.
Even though the couple in question has been living together for ages and both are professional adults, their registry would make one think they were each single, living in dorm-like hovels, and entirely destitute. Every conceivable kitchen implement and piece of functional crystal you could imaging was on their ten mile long list of desires.
Don’t misunderstand me. I love the concept of registries. They make it easy for me to buy a gift that I know the future bride and groom will enjoy. But I absolutely hate the registry card, which sits smugly in wedding invitations and announcements ready to remind me that the couple would prefer something from Macy’s and only Macy’s. I hate it almost as much as future brides and grooms who request cash instead of gifts right on their wedding invitations rather than by word of mouth. Seriously tacky.
A quick search on wedding registry etiquette confirmed my theory that registries are a top notch idea, but placing registry cards in invitations and announcements is just plain uncool. It is the responsibility of each guest to inquire as to whether the couple has a registry or to simply pick up something nice.
Canadian Bride went a step further:
The giver of a gift for any occasion should always give what they want to give, and the receiver should always be gracious when they receive it.
Couples who request cash are not only committing a faux pas, but they are missing the joy of receiving treasured gifts, which is a major part of the wedding experience.
Amen.
Getting wedding invitations, graduation announcements and birth announcements from people you wouldn’t know if they fell on you has the same effect as the registry card: it just looks like a shakedown for gifts. And another thing: solicitations for money to buy wedding or baby gifts for coworkers you don’t see socially.
The Annalucia, she begs the Lori not to be so suspicious of those who send graduation and birth announcements. Even the Miss Manners, though she prefers handwritten notes to “announcement” cards, says that they are perfectly legitimate ways of letting people know that one has passed one of life’s milestones and ought not to be assumed to be a “shakedown.” After all, one can merely write and reply “Congratulations!” and spend no money at all, except for the stamp.
However, she agrees with the Lori and Never Teh Bride with regard to registry information enclosed with the wedding invitation – it is tacky in the extreme. But she prefers to believe that such faux pas are committed out of ignorance rather than greed.
Lori, I couldn’t agree more regarding the solicitations for the coworker gifts! Unless I am friendly with a coworker, I’m not inclined to start tossing money their way.
I’m getting married next June, and I was wondering if someone could please explain to me why things like asking for money and including the registry notice in the invitation are so tacky. Maybe I haven’t been to enough weddings to know what’s etiquette, but I don’t see any harm in it.
First, the registry: how are people going to know where I’m registered? Are they supposed to phone my parents, who live 4000 km away? Are they to phone my never-home, social worker Maid of Honour? What if I compromised, and put a tiny note in small type at the end of the invitation, or on the other side?
Secondly, the money issue: three days after their honeymoon, some good friends of ours were packing their U-Haul and moving to Toronto. When my fiance and I phoned their parents before the wedding, they explicitly told us that money would help the couple more than anything else. So, should we have gone ahead and given them a gift, knowing that money would help them get set up in a new city? Even worse; my fiance wants to move to England less than a year after we’re married to do his PhD. Are we supposed to register for gifts and then store them all here? That’s over $60 a month for four years, on top of the expense of living in England.
Can someone help explain things to me? I desperately want to be a classy bride and not make etiquette faux-pas, but I guess I don’t see the harm in telling people in a convenient way where we’re registered, and also in explaining to them that money would be the best way of helping us get off the ground after the wedding.
Thanks for your help (and for letting me rant)
Meg from Canada.
I wholeheartedly agree with NTB about the registry announcements… yes, tacky, tacky, tacky.
For Meg, they’re considered tacky because they seem to be a solicitation for gifts. Yes, we all know that people are expected to give gifts for weddings, but it’s impolite to ask for them. And yes, they are supposed to phone your parents or a member of the wedding party, make sure it’s made clear to them that they’ll likely be fielding those requests. Personally, I don’t have a problem with the suggestion of cash gifts, especially for a couple that is soon moving… packing china is a huge hassle. But that suggestion should be made gently by the parents on behalf of the bride and groom, not on the invitation or enclosures.
And then be prepared to recieve, in spite of your registry, the odious smelling Yankee Candle with cheesy americana candle holder in lieu of an appropriate gift.
Noooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Meg, best wishes to you. I hope you and your fiance will be very happy together.
As someone who really likes both money and efficiency, I can see your point. But do you remember “A Charlie Brown Christmas” where Sally wrote a letter to Santa saying that she didn’t want toys—just money, tens and twenties preferred? I wonder if she grew up to tell Linus not to give her an engagement ring—just two months’ salary to let her pick out her own. I’m not suggesting that’s a picture of you, I’m just trying to illustrate how money and efficiency are great, but on festive occasions, they just aren’t the order of the day.
Besides that, my feeling is that by not soliciting money or gifts, the couple establishes some independence from their families and will gain some respect from their elders. It’s a small step towards joining the We-did-it-on-our-own Club.
It seems brides today (not aimed at you, Meg, just an observation) need to look up the word “gift” in the dictionary. If you tell someone what to give you, then it’s not a gift, it’s filling an order.
A wedding is a time for joy, not extortion, and certainly not an opportunity for you to get your friends and family to finance your life decisions.