Manolo for the Brides

A long time back, I received a request to address the needs of the mature bride. Particularly these days, when people are waiting to find a life partner instead of opting for the first person of the opposite sex that comes along, not all brides are bouncy twenty-somethings who can only think in terms of a big, white, cookie-cutter wedding. Heck, I’m on my way to becoming a mature bride myself.

Of course, just because one is not fresh-out-of college or still years away from that first grey hair - remember those days? - does not mean one cannot have the fabulous wedding and the fabulous wedding dress of one’s dreams.

I think the raw skilk Anu Pam Bridal dress above would look dashing on the confident mature bride. It’s fitted so shows some sass, but the simple, unadorned nature of the gown itself can help camoflage flaws and remains dignified. Though it is strapless, one’s arms and shoulders are cleverly hidden by the matching bolero. I’ve found that this style of dress can look good on women of a range of sizes…but pairing it with a nice, old fashioned girdle wouldn’t hurt.

An article on CityLine’s web site recommends that the mature bride avoid heavy beading, ornate lace (which can look matronly, especially on the arms), and thickly embellished dresses. It also suggests choosing a dress that hides the parts of your body that you hate and emphasizes what you love. Great shoulders? Show em. Hate your rear end? Don’t go form fitting.

Above all, in my opinion, mature brides should do all they can to avoid looking like the mother of the bride. Sure, getting a two piece practical number that you can wear again and again can be tempting, but remember that the look you’re most likely going for is something that will stun em, not something that will show off your practicality.

Though most often held by the rich and famous (and eccentric), the popularity of pet weddings is apparently taking off. Mr. and Mrs. Bobby and Gracie Laurer, whom it should be noted are both pugs, were recently married in a lavish $1,200 ceremony in Clinton Township, MI in front of 70 guests of the bipedal and quadrapedal variety.

Recently, the beach wedding of Pamela Anderson’s pooches - Chihuahua Luca and golden retriever Star - was crashed by Sacha Baron Cohen. I’m all for diversity, but I think maybe there ought to be some size restrictions placed on canine couplings. A retriever is a LOT bigger than a Chihuahua.

A Hawaiian company called A Beach Wedding will happily marry your dog to your other dog, your cat to your other cat, your parrot to your iguana, your garter snake to your ferret…the sky’s the limit! And all for only $95!

It’s fun to talk about good weddings and good cakes and what qualities make for a good groom and ceremonies that go off without a hitch. But it’s even more fun to talk about weddings gone bad. Where the groom runs off with the bridesmaids or the happy couple does a tacky dollar dance or the new bride is caught in a compromising situation with the bandleader.

That’s why I love Etiquette Hell. At Etiquette Hell, soon-to-be brides or grooms, and hopeful wanna be brides like myself can peruse wedding ceremony and reception horror stories. It’s a funny and sometimes heartbreaking bunch of tales that remind us what not to do.

Currently, I’m particularly stunned by the stories of brides and grooms who wrongfully assume that the gifts they receive must cost as much as or more than the price of a plate at the reception dinner. One poor duo of guests received this simply awful note in the mail in lieu of a thank you card:

“We received your gift in the mail the other day and I must say that we were quite surprised by it. There are a couple of thoughts that come to mind about the gift, and about the events leading up to our wedding.

First of all, we don’t understand why our gift to you for your wedding was not reciprocated in monetary form, considering we gave you both a generous check.

Second of all, we understand that circumstances arise whereby a person cannot attend the wedding, and we are sorry that you were sick, however, we never received a phone call, which would have been an appropriate gesture, even though it would have been too late. The plate was already paid for, and each plate was a considerable amount of money. (I don’t have to tell you that- you know how much weddings cost).

Getting to the point- the value of the gift did not cover 2 plates, let alone 1. We seriously have our doubts about whether or not a gift was even purchased which was from the heart, which would have meant more to us, or whether it was bought out of guilt, due to the fact that it got back to (your husband) that we never got anything from you. A great deal of respect was lost when a gift was received that did not amount to the cost of one plate, nor was not the amount given to you at your wedding. You know as well as we do that we did not do that to you, nor would we. If money is tight, than the response on the invitation should have been a “no”.

A hopeful Denver, Colorado wanna-be bride is trying to sell herself as she sells her house, according to DeHavilland.com. Deborah Hale is selling her house via auction and has actually included herself among the amenities.

Deborah, 48, a jewellery designer who runs her own business, says: “I hope to find that special man, who wants to build a life with me and share this special home with me.”

The romantic offer is also available on eBay. “I have my listing at $600,000.00 plus myself for bid as ‘priceless’,” she says.

“My attempts [to find love] included dating services, blind dates and connections through friends, but I still had not met the man to build a life with,” she says.

Even though this poor future bride has obviously got the world’s largest migraine and furthermore isn’t standing up so we can see the rest of this most likely lovely Melissa Sweet gown, I think that the snazzy diagonal half strap may represent an answer to the problems faced by many bride-to-be’s. We love the look of strapless, but don’t want any wardrobe malfunctions happening on the big day. The way the strap wraps over the shoulder and then around the dress itself looks like a support system for the bodice!

A pair of California newlyweds still in their wedding finery recently faced off with a carjacker as they made their way to their honeymoon hotel. No doubt they were a tad annoyed at the delay keeping them from the bridal bed.

The Bay area’s Mercury News reported:

…a man on methamphetamines allegedly tried to steal a car with a newly married woman — still in her wedding dress — screaming in the passenger seat.

Police said Alan Ticas-Soto didn’t get far, with either the bride or the car.

Now the 21-year-old is facing felony carjacking charges and misdemeanor drug charges. He is being held in San Mateo County Jail in lieu of $100,000 bail. Ticas-Soto, who does not have a criminal record, pleaded not guilty Monday in San Mateo County Superior Court.

The couple, who had been on their way to celebrate their first wedded night at a nearby Embassy Suites, were not injured.

“This took them a little off-track,” said Sheryl Wolcott, a San Mateo County deputy district attorney who described the details of the alleged crime.

Around 10:50 p.m, the local newlyweds had stopped off for a late night snack at the Taco Bell on East Fourth Avenue in San Mateo. The husband, in a tuxedo, got out of his 2003 Nissan Altima with the engine still running.

Ticas-Soto ran through the parking lot and leaped into the car, police said. He fiddled with the gear shift and finally managed to find reverse.

Meanwhile, the 22-year-old bride — whose name was not released — was trying to unbuckle her seat belt and get away. Her husband, who had not quite made it into the fast food restaurant, ran back and opened his wife’s door, trying to help her out.

Finally, she tumbled to the parking lot, unhurt.

The suspect put the car into a forward gear and promptly smashed into the Taco Bell sign, police said. Then, he too, leaped from the car and took off running, as witnesses called police.

Even if I would look like the white whale if I wore one, I love this year’s Reem Acra gowns. I don’t so much love the 2004 or 2003 collections. In 2003, the lace and organza bridal bikini was hidden among the almost more realistic gowns. And, in 2004, Ms. Acra introduced the dresses for the helmeted gladiatrix on the go who wants to read her vows and then get back to slaying lions, tigers and, naturally, big, sweaty men as quickly as possible.

A while back, a reader e-mailed me with a question regarding her confusion about whether wearing black, namely her ‘little black dress,’ at a winter wedding in Paris would constitute good taste or a fashion faux pas. A few quick searches later, I had found very little regarding proper Parisian wedding guest attire. So I turned to a worldly friend of mine who has at least once found herself facing such a quandary. She said,

I’ve done black at a Parisian wedding ceremony and reception, and didn’t draw any dirty looks from the fashion conscious grande dames in attendance. But I would recommend pairing your a black dress with a blazer or cardigan or some other cover up, at least for the ceremony. Guests may be expected to change between the ceremony and reception - ask the MOB - and stripping off a layer to reveal the fabulousness underneath may suffice. To keep from looking like a mourner, pair the dress with a chic patterned scarf or chunky necklace.

So, I hope that’s helpful. My own advice? Regardless of where you are, black on black with a touch of black only works when attending the weddings of ex lovers. But flashy shoes and a splash of color can quickly take the morbid out of black, like so:

It’s no big secret that I hate wedding cake. Wedding cake is typically dryish mass-produced sponge cake topped with icky, too-sweet buttercream frosting. Which is why I love, love, love the idea of a Krispy Kreme wedding “cake.” Future brides and grooms who don’t like the KKs can choose another doughnut or even some alternative individual cake-like item. Like Hostess snacks!

You could even dye the Snowballs to match the bridal party. Now that would be unique.