Single miss to wedded bliss?
Um. This book scares me. The first sentence of this book’s description reads: “In this hip and utterly indispensable guide, two happily married husbands and regular guys reveal the secrets to getting a man down on bended knee — his most uncomfortable position.”
Now I’m sure authors Richard Kirshenbaum and Daniel Rosenberg are great guys. But I’m not sure I want to explore “the artful use of marketing tactics” to “reel in” The Beard. Or to convince him that “marriage is man’s best friend.”
I’m sure this book is cute. And I’m sure that leaving it laying around the house would scare The Beard, which is a huge bonus. But I think I’d rather sacrifice my relationship than forever wonder if I was married only because I’d duped some poor man into it or used sophisticated psychology to make the fellow believe he wanted to marry me.
In fact, I’ve told The Beard many a time that I certainly don’t want to marry anyone who doesn’t want to marry me just as much. Or someone who looks upon marriage as a lifelong sentence.
Am I wrong here?
You’re not wrong at all!
Why should you have to feel like you’re selling your future husband a used car? To me, that’s what the above book says…”Closing the Deal” for crying out loud?!?!? Used car dealers have a way of duping you into thinking that YES! you *do* want that old beater Cadillac after all…
A proposal, a wedding, a life-long commitment should not be pushed the same way.
In an ideal world, we could take all the time we needed to find the right person and mutually agree to spend our lives together. But we live in an imperfect, finite world where women in particular have fewer and fewer options as time passes. I’m 36, and most men my age are married; many of the single ones have let themselves go, or have another household or two to support, or have been so hurt that they don’t want to get married again, or never married because they lack social skills. Wait around long enough, and somebody may try to sell YOU a beat-up Cadillac.
Strategically, it seems like a good idea to start early enough when there’s a lot of eligible men and quickly weed out the ones who aren’t suitable. Tactically, though, I don’t think I could respect a man who fell for a lot of stupid tricks. (Remember “The Rules”? One of the authors was dumped by her husband.) I might prefer to approach it from the idea of getting him off the fence. I’ve read research stating that most men in their 20s don’t even think about marriage, as incredible as that sounds. They may not even know they’re on a fence.
I think one word sums up that book just fine: EEEEEEEEEEEEK!!!!
Whew! I’m glad I’m not the only person who looks at a book like this and thinks, “Used car dealer!”
Books like this make me so grateful for my Sweetheart, who is apparently one of those unusual 20-year-old men who’s planning our wedding and naming the kids before we’re even engaged.
I think Lori has it right. There are lots of indecisive people out there. While it’s clearly better for one’s young man to know that you are THE ONE, it is also kind of naive to think that a man is even thinking the same way you are.
There’s nothing wrong with subtlely showing a man why marrying you would be his best decision. I hope that is what this book says.
Some men are indecisive about relationship things. Some men are afraid of rejection. Then there’s the whole “free milk and buying the cow” issue. So pointing him in the right direction is not a bad thing. Maybe he just doesn’t see why you are Miss Right. Men are frequently oblivious. Why in the world would you not want to show him the way?
So what if you have to work on him to get him to pop the question? You are going to have to work on him your whole life. You’re going to want him to do things he doesn’t want to do, and vice versa. It’s all about give and take. Making your significant other understand your viewpoint (in this case, a proposal) is one of those things.
I don’t know what the book says. But lots of young ladies want their young man to propose. And they are doing special things to show him why they are wonderful. Maybe this book is a compendium of more special things.
I beg of you, Gomez, please refrain from calling women cows. It is offensive both to men and women. It implies that the only reason men would want to be married — and the only thing women have to offer — is sex. I would hope that is not your intent, but then again who knows.
Don’t get me wrong, Gomez Addams. I am not adverse to nudging The Beard in the right direction. But the way this book describes itself is not a compendium of special things one can do to make one’s man feel extra special. Besides, I think each woman knows her sweetheart best and will know how he wants to be appreciated. Maybe my problem with the book is not so much that it’s about women trying to sell themselves, but that women shouldn’t need such a book?
A few weeks ago, I was surprised to hear the milk-and-cows remark from a friend–a liberal, bohemian, free-spirited 38-year-old woman who has never been married. She’s drifted from one relationship to another, hoping (at times) that one would turn into a marriage. She has finally reached the conclusion that her mother was right: if she’s willing to share a bed, share the bills, clean the house, and do all the things a wife would do, but without any of the commitment, why *should* the man marry her? She said just the other night that if she wants a husband, she’ll need to focus on finding one, find a suitable man who wants to commit, and yes, close the deal.
And I, having worked and sacrificed to accumulate a house and other assets for the past 18 years, can appreciate part of the man’s point of view now: is this potential mate in debt? Would I have to pay him alimony if we divorced? Would he keep working after marriage? A 50-ish coworker has friends who don’t marry their live-in boyfriends partly for these reasons.
It may be unromantic, but I’ve reached the conclusion that a marriage is to a large degree a deal, or a negotiation. Of course, money and sex aren’t all that there is to it, but they’re huge.
CBOT:
The “free milk and cows” is simply lifted from the analogy. I always try for civility, and mean no offense. At the risk of upsetting my internet friend CBOT, “free milk and cows” is real. I imply neither that men care only about that or that it is the only thing that women have to offer. I do state plainly that it is a factor that matters. If a couple lives like they are married, the motivations are that much less to close the deal, particularly for an indecisive beau.
Never teh Bride:
I do not agree that each woman knows how her sweetie wants to be appreciated.
She may think she knows, but she often doesn’t. Or she’s projecting her idea of what he wants onto him. So some suggestions might be in order. I like to use the “romantic evening” comparison: Choosing between the following evening activities with their girlfriend, which of these would most men prefer- “candles, pretty new dress, wine, dancing, fancy dinner” or “Pizza, beer, porn”? If you say (or have actually chosen) the former, then consider that you may not have chosen wisely.
While it may seem sad or wrong or pathetic that women might need such a book, you know that a sizable percentage of them do. They may well be doing things unbeknowst to them, that are actually keeping their men from committing.
Any man will tell you about some guy that he knows/knew who would marry the girl except for……
If we’re talking about The Beard’s ultimate romantic evening, GA, the answer is neither
I guess, yes, many people do need such a book. But I believe that has less to do with a general flaw in humanity as it does with many people’s unwillingness to admit that their loved ones may have different interests, tastes, ways of thinking, ways of loving, etc.
Marriage definitely involves compromise, negotiation, and work. However, I believe that these things should come from within and should involve both members of the couple learning side by side. There won’t always be a book to turn to. And as all couples are different, the advice in a book that’s right for 95% of all couples may not be right for you and yours.
Of course, I’m an optimist
Of course I accept that it is true that some men would choose not to get married if they already have the benefits (companionship, sex, money) without the commitment. I just can’t imagine why anyone would want to marry such a jerk.
As terribly awful as it sounds, the cow analogy might be true. For instance, my husband still laughs at former girlfriends who slaved over his laundry and nursed him through his appendectomy, all the while constantly begging him to marry them–he thought they were pathetic and trying too hard. Then I came along, aloof and uninterested and he couldn’t wait to propose. Why his past girlfriends couldn’t see what a cad they were dating is beyond me, but in my experience no one wants what is too accessible. (Sorry, not to sound like that stupid “Rules” book.)