Changing your name. Or not.
By Never teh Bride
Let’s see. When The Beard finally gets his head of of his rear and pops the question, I’m going to be faced with a bunch of options, and I’m not talking about place settings. In the US, at least, one can change one’s name to just about anything. A few months back, a National Guardsman changed his name to Optimus Prime – the leader of the Autobots Transformers from the 80s cartoon show. So, were I to get married, I could be:
- Mrs. The Beard
- Mrs. The Beard – Never teh Bride
- Mrs. Never teh Bride – The Beard
- Ms. Never teh Bride
- Mrs. Never teh Bride
- Mrs. Name we made up together
It boggles the mind. As I’m sure you know, women are under no obligation to take the last name of the man they marry. Some women apparently use their husband’s name in an informal way, with friends and family, while keeping their maiden name in a legal sense. And some men even change their last name to that of their bride!
Of course, most women do change their names after marriage. There are some benefits to doing so, according to Nina Callaway of About.com. She notes that taking your husbands name makes everything surrounding children, travling, getting sick, and dealing with parents that much easier. Also, if you never cared much for your last name, getting married is a wonderful excuse to change it.
Callaway also notes some drawbacks:
You’re getting married, not becoming a different person. Changing your last name may feel like a loss of self or a loss of identity.
It may go against your politics – after all, why does the woman have to change her name, and not the man? Furthermore, changing your name may imply that you are more old-fashioned or traditional than you actually are.
If you are the last of your family with your last name, you may not want to give it up.
If your name is interesting, or alliterative, and his name is hard to pronounce or just dissonant, it may be better to stick with the name you were born with.
If you’ve become known in your career field, it may be hard to reestablish your reputation with a different last name.
And that’s really all I have to put forth about this topic. The decision to change one’s name is an intensely personal one, particularly because we as human beings put so much emphasis on those things that define our identity. That said, anyone out there have an interesting name change story they’d like to share?
Stay tuned for a future post about the horrible rigamorole women (and men) must go through in order to change their names!
January 12th, 2006 at 3:50 pm
I know of only one case of a man taking his wife’s name. He said his bride’s father had been more of a dad to him than his own father had.
January 12th, 2006 at 4:37 pm
I actually followed my mother’s example; she used her maiden name as her middle name. Everything actually moved up one; she’d never used her first name, so she used her middle name as her first name, last name as her middle name, and my father’s last name was her last name. I did the same thing in my turn.
January 12th, 2006 at 4:59 pm
I have a guy friend who took his wife’s last name because it was cooler- her last name is Phoenix. Personally, I have terrible anxiety over my last names. Not only do I have a long first name and unique middle name, but I feel very attached to my maiden name (small family/small town). That led me to hyphenate, but since I did, it’s just been a giant hassle since I have to spell out both now instead of only one. Like you mentioned, I’ve started using my husband’s name with family, appointments etc… but both names academically and professionally. Sigh.
January 12th, 2006 at 5:26 pm
I know of two couples where the husband took the wife’s last name. In one situation it was because he was marrying a woman with children from a previous marriage and he wanted the whole family to have the last name. In the other situation I think it was just a decision that they came to.
My father’s middle name is his mother’s maiden name. That was a good way to keep her last name in the family.
January 12th, 2006 at 5:34 pm
People I knew before I got married are always astounded I took my husband’s last name. I guess they thought I wouldn’t…or that I was against “that kind of thing.”
I kinda like being the “Last Name” Family (Husband myself and our girls). It’s nice to even have it differentiated from my parents and THEIR family (even though I’m still a part of that family THIS is my own family). Also Husband was the last in his family with his name. It wasn’t IMPERATIVE that I take his name but he had mentioned it would make him happy. I figured…eh…I don’t have any moral objections so why the hell not.
Also my maiden name IMPOSSIBLE to hyphenate. AND difficult for others to spell (not that this stops them from butchering Husband’s last name).
And finally, stupid superficial reason, Husband’s last name has a “Y” at the end…it’s nice to be able to sign artwork with a big loopy Y.
January 12th, 2006 at 5:44 pm
In China, women do not change their name when they get married. In Korea, whichever member of the couple has a “lower-class” name will change to his/her spouse’s more pretigious one. In French Canada, most women do not change their name, and often men change to their wives’ surnames. n fact, for much of the world, naming traditions and rules about changeing names at marriage are completely different, but they don’t seem to have any problems keeping legal records straight. And with the number of divorces/remarriages here today, there are plenty of families in which children and parents don’t all share the same name. So womn and men should take the name they like. Geez.
January 12th, 2006 at 6:47 pm
I’m not sure this counts as interesting, but when I get married this year, I’ve decided to change my name legally to Gail MyLastName HisLastName, dropping my middle name. Then, at work and anywhere else I have a reputation, I’ll stay Gail MyLastName. I’d just as soon keep my last name, but the fiance is all traditional and it means way more to him than it does to me.
January 12th, 2006 at 6:55 pm
I totally agree, Keeping My Name! I blame the legal rigamorole on the US’s red tape issues. There is little interconnectivity among agencies, so people are forced to put in name changes multiple times at multiple places. Yuck.
And I agree that whoever wants to change their name should do so. Or both man and woman can change their name to Didididididoo, if they like. Unfortunately, many people are raised with the expectation that the woman will change her name. When they grow up and realize they have a choice, confusion begins! Some men get resentful because they see their bride not taking their name as wrong, cruel, or a sign of lacking commitment.
Luckily, choices abound in all directions!
January 12th, 2006 at 8:54 pm
I will be taking my soon to be husbands name partially because my initials will be TAG and I am easily amused. In my case I have had a different last name from most of my family because I have my fathers last name (who I am not in contact with) and everyone else has my mothers maiden name. So having a different last name will be nothing new.
My mother when she remarried also hypenated and came to realize later that 10 letters plus 7 was way too many and has pretty much gone to her married name for most things.
January 12th, 2006 at 11:08 pm
When the Annalucia was first married she kept her maiden name, mostly out of laziness. Four years later, after two babies and much confusion with the health-insurance company as to whether she was indeed married to the babies’ father (for this was in the days when the insurance companies did not always cover the expenses of the out-of-wedlock children) she adopted the Tedesco’s surname. It was very strange at first, as it is a very German name and there is nothing German about the Annalucia except her punctuality. But she grew accustomed to it over time. She also liked the fact that it began with a B (her own name had begun with an R) so that she was, for the first time in her life, at the head of the alphabetical listings, rather than at the end.
The Annalucia also agrees that people may wear whatever name they wish – but she asks them to be patient with those who are slow to catch on, especially once children become involved. Many years ago, when her eldest child was in the first grade, the Annalucia had to phone all the other parents in the class for something or other. Among the children was a boy named (shall we say) Kevin Gambino. The Annalucia dialed the number and heard the recorded message saying roughly the following: “Hello, you have reached the number of [let us call them] Bridget Sullivan and Mark Steinfels. We cannot take your call right now…”
Steinfels? Sullivan? Gambino? The Annalucia was greatly puzzled as you can imagine, and she left a message saying that she was looking for the parents of Kevin Gambino, and if she had reached the right number, would they please call her back. As it turned out the Bridget (keeping her maiden name) had divorced the Kevin’s father and remarried to the Mr. Steinfels. Three family members with three surnames, it is a bit much to keep track of.
January 13th, 2006 at 12:20 pm
I took my husband’s last name because
*I’m not on good terms with my family
*my maiden name was hard to spell and pronounce (or at least everyone else seemed to think so)
*my husband’s last name was at the beginning of the alphabet and mine was at the end
*my husband’s last name was alliterative with my first name
However, I still felt more than a little guilty about it. If I hadn’t disliked my last name, I would have fought hard, but I gave in. I hyphenated on most legal documents, but it got rather clumsy, so I’ve moved my maiden name to a second middle name. For our first anniversary, my husband started the process of adding my maiden name as his second middle name as well. What a great “paper” anniversary present!
I just wish I’d have thought about this as an option earlier. When our full names are written out, we both have the same 2 names at the end, but we have the bonus of having his more convenient last name socially (which incidentally sounds better with both our names than mine)
January 13th, 2006 at 2:56 pm
I took my husband’s name, because not pairing “Love” with my first name was too much temptation for me to avoid!
January 13th, 2006 at 3:17 pm
A old co-worker of mine and his wife took a new shared last name of … Truelove. He’s a wonderful guy but something inside me wonders about a possible future Truelove vs. Truelove.
I’m keeping my name – I’m Irish and it’s unusual these days for women to change theirs, though that depends a bit on education and socioeconomic status – but because we’re geeks, we’re kinda flirting with the idea of both of us joining our names – but not with a hyphen, with an underscore. Him and Her Hername_Lastname.
January 13th, 2006 at 3:43 pm
I never thought I would take my husband’s name, but I am. I decided that I couldn’t stick my children with a 16 letter hyphenated name (and what would they do when they got married?), and I don’t want to be the only one in my family with a different name, so there you go.
January 13th, 2006 at 5:00 pm
Riona, I LOVE LOVE LOVE the underscore idea. How delightfully modern!
January 15th, 2006 at 2:46 pm
I’m a Smith, so I’m taking my husband’s name unless it’s pretty much awful, no matter what. I’m tired of being one of 20 Smiths in classes, at work, among friends, even! My boyfriend (nearly fiance, we think) has a great Polish name beginning with Z that sounds wonderful with my name. I think it would be cool to have such a unique name, even if he does have to spell it out very often. I would drop my Smith and be First Middle Z_____.
January 21st, 2006 at 9:30 pm
I kept my own name when I married, and have never regretted the decision. The only problem has been with a couple of friends and relatives who just have to argue about it. I don’t argue. I just remind them what my name is and refuse to be drawn into a stupid fight about what it says about my relationship with my husband.
When I told him I was going to keep my own name, I girded up my loins in case there was an argument, but he just said ‘I never thought you wouldn’t keep your name. You like it so much.’
If only my father had understood that. Sigh.
The only couple I’ve ever known who wanted to take her name, it was a case where a) the groom’s father had pulled a disappearing act and not been seen since before said groom could talk, and b) they both thought the bride’s name was really cool. Oddly enough, it was her family that balked. By that time, the groom had gotten so excited about ditching his absent father’s name that he decided there was no way he would continue to use it. A compromise was finally reached when the groom had his name legally changed to his mother’s maiden name.
I also have a friend who was divorced with two children when she met Mr. Right. To save a bit on confusion, she continued to use husband #1’s sirname, so it matches the kids. Now that the younger kid is in college, she’s changing to use husband #2’s name so as to match him.
My advice to anyone considering this question is to ignore the relatives. Make your own decision based on the criteria that matter to you. There is no right or wrong in deciding whose name to use. Pick what makes you happy and comfortable. His name, her name, hyphens, underscores, newly made up names, it’s really about what works for you.
February 20th, 2006 at 12:42 am
I’m totally taking my fiancee’s surname. Its half the length of mine, So I’m excited!
And I’m lucky to have a brother to take up the family baton.