Wedding welfare

Cascading Heart Tiara Gold

I had a dream last night that I was entered into a marriage of convenience with a fellow whose family could protect me from certain individuals trying to get the best of me. The Beard was devastated, but I got to wear a beautiful tiara similar to the Cascading Heart Tiara above. The wedding was going well until the groom’s family determined it was time for the dollar dance. I was like, “Dollar dance? Hells no!”

Upon waking, I got to thinking about the various types of so-called “wedding welfare” out there today. Some of it, like the dollar dance, has firm roots in cultural traditions and can be a real boon to the newly formed family. Others have the tendency to make loved ones feel like faceless investors. According to an article in the Brandon Sun, wedding welfare is alive and well.

It’s always amusing to see the reaction when the concept [of the wedding social] is explained to a wedding social virgin. Some are mortified, seeing it as nothing more than mooching from friends, family and colleagues, while others think the idea is brilliant and hope the trend catches on in their hometown so they can afford a better wedding photographer, honeymoon in France rather than Quebec or get a big-screen TV for the new pad.

A wedding social, for those who don’t know, is a pay-to-enter party for the bride and groom’s friends and family held before the wedding to raise money for the reception. Typically, a wedding social will require guests to pay a $10 entrance fee, a few more ten-spots for raffle tickets, and the price of drinks.

Then there is the relatively new trend of wheeling and dealing with local vendors for free stuff in return for advertising. I kid you not. Some future brides see nothing bizarre about listing the wedding’s “sponsors” on the invitation, in programs, and at the dinner table in order to get free printing, favors, or hotel stays.

Brides and grooms, who used to be content hitting up friends and family, now e-mail or fax generic messages to businesses begging for free stuff. A free massage. A free dinner. A free night at a hotel. A free hair cut. A free gift certificate. A free oil change.

Now, I’m not one to decline free stuff, but I wouldn’t want my wedding gear to look like a NASCAR racer – full of logos and brand names. Nor would I ask my guests to help pay for the wedding through elaborate party schemes. If you’re going to go that far, why not just charge admission to the wedding, for goodness sake?

19 Responses to “Wedding welfare”

  1. jj says:

    I’m sorry, but I just can not get over the idea that this “wedding social” business is in bad taste. My husband and I were fortunate to have family who wanted to throw a moderately generous bash… but had we not been so lucky, we would have had a more toned down celebration. I’m not sure what, but at one point I was throwing around the idea of dropping all the fuss, just having the thing in my mom’s back yard and hiring an In-n-Out burger van for catering. Or maybe re-enact my grandparent’s WWII wedding, where they had some friends join them for a motorcylce trip to Reno.

    In my mind, modest and heartfelt is much better than elaborate and crass. I make exceptions for the dollar dance or “padrino” sponsors when it comes to my friends from other cultures where these things are common… but anything beyond that is just tacky.

  2. Never teh Bride says:

    I would love an In-N-Out wedding. Double doubles for everyone!

  3. Lyn-lou says:

    Here on the west coast of Canada, a wedding social is not the done thing. In the East, however (ie. Ontario and maybe the Maritimes) something called a “Jack & Jill” or “Stag & Doe” is very popular. Same kind of idea-it’s a fundraiser for the bride and groom. It usually involves buying tickets, buying drinks and playing games of chance to win stuff. Oh, and usually many people who aren’t inveited to the wedding are invited to the Jack & Jill.

    It seems very odd (and a wee bit tacky) to me, but if it’s common elsehwere and no-one seems offended, who am I to judge?

  4. Lori says:

    I think the fundraiser better suits tragic circumstances than happy ones, and that it’s better for the victim’s friends to pass around the hat.

  5. Kourtney says:

    Oh, the east of Canada would be heartbroken if you took the socials away from them. It’s a tradition, that I think stems from wanting to help each other out. I’ve never heard of any ill-will from attendees, and to me, if everyone involved is having fun, then who am I to say anythign?

    In Saskatchewan, if the couple are short on cash or don’t need anything material, what tends to happen is that when asked what the couple need, the bride says “Just your attendance!”, and then either the bridesamid or mother of the bride says “They need money.” That seems to be the most tactful & socially accepted way to do things. And even if you say “We don’t need anything, just show up!”, people tend to interpret that as “Money.”.

    It makes me a little uncomfortable, but short of giving people back their cash (& snubbing them), there’s nothing anyone can do about it.

    The whole sponsor idea is creeeeeeeepy though….

  6. Gretel says:

    The Jack and Jill/ Stag (Buck) and Doe is extremley popular in Southern Ontario- it’s almost a right of passage growing up to go to them to get drunk underage. When we got married last summer everyone asked when & where ours would be- I don’t know anyone poor or rich who hasn’t had one before the wedding. Luckily I could opt out because we were planning a wedding from half a province away. Also, around here they almost always have a sponsor of some sort to donate prizes, or print the tickets. Once it becomes a social norm, no one even blinks an eye- I totally agree with everyone who says they are tacky.

  7. Gigolo Kitty says:

    If you’re going to go that far, why not just charge admission to the wedding, for goodness sake?

    I fear the day may not be too far off:O To be frank, I think a lot of bride&grooms already have that mentality with their expectation of shower gift + wedding gifts of sufficient value to cover the cost of the plate etc. A colleague got married recently and most of her conversation was about how she expected the wedding guests to provide enough in cash + gifts to pay off the wedding and the honeymoon. I was so relieved that she did not invite me to her wedding. Especially since her husband was the skeeziest man I have had the misfortune to meet.

  8. Cristina says:

    I’m getting married in Ontario and am NOT having a jack & jill. God help the person who tries to throw one for us (okay, I won’t kill them, but I will stop that whole thing). I was invited to one once, for a person I didn’t really know, and I certainly wasn’t invited to the wedding, and I thought it was tacky and insulting. That couple had never invited me to a party before–why now? My $20 makes a difference?

    If you can’t afford your wedding without fundraising, it’s clearly too expensive.

  9. Never teh Bride says:

    Ooh, I hate that mindset, Gigolo Kitty. I mean, I have parties all the time, and I don’t expect people to bring enough booze to make up for the cost of the booze and food I bought. So why would I have a wedding (which is basically a big party) and expect people’s gifts to be equal in value to what I paid for everything? Suddenly, the fact that I’m getting married makes it okay to be a mooch?

  10. Bria says:

    Don’t forget the we-sent-you-an-invite-just-so-you’ll-feel-you-have-to-buy-a-present-but-we-don’t-expect-you-to-come invitation. I got one of those this summer…it arrived exactly a week before the wedding (which was in another state), but included THREE little cards telling me where they were registered. Since it was a family member, I decided to go ahead and send a gift. Guess what? No thank you note. No acknowledgement that I sent anything at all. Ugh.

  11. Kourtney says:

    Ah! The thank you notes! I am only a month away from my wedding, & have already weathered one shower, with another on the horizon. Here’s a question – if people DO give you cash, what do you put into the thank-you card? Do you say what you put the money towards? Is this something that you could address, dear Never-teh-Bride?

  12. Never teh Bride says:

    Kourtney, I’ll definitely put that topic on the roster, but for now I’ll suggest saying ‘thanks for your gesture of kindness’ (which is nicely vague) and then adding something more particularly about each guest – like ‘we appreciate your coming all the way from Kalamazoo to share our day with us’ so they know you’re not just sending generic notes.

  13. mainegirl says:

    I am hoping that in exchange for booking accomodations for 80 people, we get some kind of break. But that is it. It’s a full service affair, so the same company is doing catering and lodging. Is it tacky? I don’t think so. Would I tell my guests so they book there? No. But–we have enough people who will want to.
    I just did a wedding budget. So far, we are at 10,500–not including lodging. Since I have about two cents to my name right now, it is time to get creative. Inviting 150 people is my other problem–but that can’t be helped.

  14. jenny says:

    We got quite a bit of cash at our reception, but generally in group-gift form, where a dozen or more folks would sign the car. This absolutely fine with me: I mean, our finances have gone up and down, and I know what it’s like to literally choke at the thought of having to buy even an inexpensive gift for someone. It’s always more comfortable to be able to put your meagre contribution with others so that you don’t feel like such a heel, even though you shouldn’t have to.

    When I wrote thank-you’s (this may not be correct either politically or etiquette-ly, but it’s 13 years too late to change ’em now!), I sometimes mentioned what the money had gone towards, just to let them know how much even a few dollars had been recognized. An example: “We just wanted to let you know how much we appreciate your generosity. Our poor car needed some repairs, and the gift from [the group] helped so much!” We had alot of people thank us for such personal replies—they felt like even their $2 had actually been appreciated.

    As I write this, I realize that it probably sounds very tacky. But to be honest, I’d rather hear something honest like this from someone than either a form letter or nothing at all.

  15. Twistie says:

    I can’t imagine looking for corporate sponsorship for something as personal as a wedding! That’s horrible.

    Part of the problem, I think, is that people have such inflated ideas of what is ‘necessary’ for a wedding. If I had my wedding to do over again, I’d do it exactly the way I did it thirteen years ago. It would be a party first, with more attention to meaningful details (the words of the ceremony, choice of music, making sure nobody went home hungry) than industry-demanded tchatchkes. The wedding was pretty darn traditional, entirely personal, and well within the means of the people paying for it – my husband and me. Over 100 guests had a great time and got all the standard expectations fulfilled, and we enjoyed ourselves, too. All that without going broke or demanding our guests somehow make up for our expenditures by spending a certain amount on wedding gifts or paying for the privelege of being entertained.

    And I have a word or two of advice for any bride who is counting the price tags of gifts: the best ones aren’t necessarily the most expensive ones. Every time I look at the original painting one friend gave us, I smile. The set of basic kitchen utensils is used every day. It didn’t cost the giver much, but it’s been damn useful to me. What’s more, every time I stir a pot of soup or measure out a cup of flour, I’m reminded of the love of my friends. How do you compare that to the cost of feeding them at one hell of a party?

    But the best gift of all didn’t cost the giver a dime and remains a priceless possession to me. One friend wrote a special poem for us and read it at the reception in both English and Gaelic.

    The price of a gift is no indication of its true value.

  16. Neb says:

    Wow. A “wedding social”. And I thought “dollar dances” were tacky! The Wedding Industry just keeps coming up with new ways to make weddings mercenary, moochy affairs that put people in hock for a one-day show. If more people would put that amount of effort into their marriage instead, there would be fewer divorces.

  17. JEM says:

    I live in Northwestern Ontario and it is common practice to have a “wedding social” or as we call them a “SHAG”. It is a good opportunity to celebrate your upcoming wedding with people that may not be invited to the wedding. The whole idea of a “SHAG” is for your friends and family to get out for a fun night and help support your wedding.

  18. From Oz- I have several points to make. My mother always told me when I asked her how much to spend on a wedding gift to spend as muchas you would expect your meal to cost. So if it was a very fancy wedding you would expect it would be expensive and buyer a large gift.

    This Dollar dance thing I find entirely bizarre! That’s one of the weirdest things I’ve ever heard! Its only become acceptable in last decade at most to even mention money as a gift because people are sharing houses and things. I just can’t see that getting off the ground here. or that Jack and Jill thing. I had a friend whose friends were so cheap in fact they wouldn’t come to the Hens night because they thought it was too expensive!

    And sponsoring! Thats the crass-est thing I’ve ever heard!

  19. BudgetBRide says:

    Well I have read all your comments about the Jack and Jill or Stag and Doe. Well I honestly don’t know much about other peoples finances but Mine are truely resticted. Having a student loan, and Fiance with a disbilities the prohibits him from work and an extremely slow goverment process that is holding him back from Disability. I work full time and have been saving every spare cent since i have been engaged till the wedding date which will be a total of 20 months and I still can’t hardly afford the basic minimums of the wedding. And untop of the I will have to remain living at home until I can save up the down payment to purchase a home after the wedding. The idea of throwing a party full of games and a dinner and entertainment, which just happens to generate a little extra cash to help you pay everything and not owe after your wedding doesn’t really seem crazy.. it is no worse than all these fund raising events for you children school trips, or the local hockey teams or even the policemans ball.. And alot of people I know actually enjoy the idea of having fun with family and friends with the profits helping to support the Bride and groom to be.