Finding Mr. or Ms. Right
By Never teh BrideSorry it’s taken me so long to post today. WordPress was acting kooky. Anyway, while trying to figure out how to unbork it, I found a very interesting article on how the US army is helping its soldiers learn to choose good spouses.
Defense Department records show more than 56,000 soldiers have gotten divorced since the 2001 campaign in Afghanistan. I’m not really surprised, since I’ve heard it’s hard to be an army wife/husband. It used to be that soldiers without spouses waited until after getting out of the service to get hitched. Hence the saying, “If the Army wanted you to have a wife, it would have issued you one.” But times have changed and chicks and dudes are serving side by side.
Thus, army chaplains have instituted a new program, aptly titled “How To Avoid Marrying a Jerk.”
The “no jerks” program is also called “P.I.C.K. a Partner,” for Premarital Interpersonal Choices and Knowledge.
It advises the marriage-bound to study a partner’s F.A.C.E.S. — family background, attitudes, compatibility, experiences in previous relationships and skills they’d bring to the union.
It teaches the lovestruck to pace themselves with a R.A.M. chart — the Relationship Attachment Model — which basically says don’t let your sexual involvement exceed your level of commitment or level of knowledge about the other person.
Maj. John Kegley, a chaplain who teaches the program in Monterey, Calif., throws in the “no jerk salute” for fun. One hand at the heart, two-fingers at the brow mean use your heart and brain when choosing.
To bad they don’t offer this program for civvies. However, if you aren’t an enlisted man or woman, there are some books out there that can help.
The ABC’s of Choosing a Good Husband: How to Find and Marry a Great Guy can help lonesome ladies find marriage-minded men. On the flip side, there is The ABC’s of Choosing a Good Wife: How to Find and Marry a Great Girl. Um, maybe that should be woman.
I don’t know what to say about The Program : Fifteen Steps to Finding a Husband After 30. Except that I find the existence of such books very, very scary.
February 7th, 2006 at 9:25 pm
Trust the army to have a test called “skills they bring to the union”. I can see the interview on the first date “I can vacumn, do laundry, fold underwear, feed the cat, and have really wild sex. I can also pick the locks on handcuffs.”
February 7th, 2006 at 11:56 pm
“I can bake a cake, sew, and take down an enemy combatant with a rifle at 300 yards.”
February 8th, 2006 at 11:43 am
Nah, I think it’s a good concept. Wouldn’t hurt to maybe move it into the highschools too - or at least the first year of university. Even if it doesn’t help REDUCE the amount of maistakes a person makes while dating & marrying, if it helped a person recognize & learn from the fact afterwards, it would be worth it.
February 8th, 2006 at 12:30 pm
It’s an excellent idea. A little extra info is almost always a good thing.
Never Teh B: I don’t understand why people find those “how to land a husband/wife” books so scary. I was reading an article about “total turn-offs”- one woman dumped a guy because he liked the “Drew Carey Show”.
Sure, that show sucked. Regardless, that woman needs help with her selection criteria, and probably her behavior overall. So I think the point of those books may be how to make better decisions and how to be more attractive (emotionally) over the longer haul.
February 8th, 2006 at 1:07 pm
Kourtney: I won’t disagree there. There is so much divorce these days, I think people ought to consider taking a refresher course before they remarry, at least.
Gomez Addams: I think my beef with some of these types of books (not all of them) is that they make a case for desperation. Like, why do we need Fifteen Steps to Finding a Husband After 30? I know marriage rates drop around then, but most of the people I know who have married have done so after 30, so it can’t be *that bad*. None of those folks woke up on their 30th birthdays thinking, “Oh no, I need to find a man/woman immediately or I shall surely die!”
Some people could definitely benefit from the ABCs book and the like. But the fact that the “after 30″ genre of books exists says that, while we don’t say it out loud, society still believes in the “old maid” concept.
February 8th, 2006 at 2:50 pm
Ah, the military and their love affair with acronyms!
And Gomez, that sounds as bad as dumping someone over punctuation (a la Seinfeld).
Since my 37th birthday was yesterday and I’m single, I guess I ought to get started on 15 steps to tell somebody that I can grease the car, feed the baby, make a dress out of a feedbag, have this old house shining like a dime, go out and swing til 4 a.m. and then lay down at 5 jump up at 6 and start all over again. Or I can just take 15 steps up to the dance floor, swing til 11 and then have a (comparatively) relaxing day at the office.
February 8th, 2006 at 6:28 pm
I don’t know, I find going to the local Renaissance Faire is a great way to find a spouse.
I went to Faire one bright day when I was seventeen and met a drunk holding up one of the posts of the archery booth. Thirteen years later, I married him. He is, incidentally, quite abstemeous in real life.
And my brother met his wife at the Renaissance Faire when she bounded up to him and proposed. It only took them about two years to make it to the altar in reality.
Maybe I should start a business bringing desperate singles to the Faire and seeing how many of them pair off with booth workers! LOL!
Oh, and add me to the list of those annoyed that there are guides for women to help them marry after age thirty. I’ve never seen an equivilant for men. Besides, what’s so different after thirty that requires an entire different book? Does the whole process change the day after you stop being twenty-nine? I really don’t see any point to this phenomenon other than making sure women know that if they haven’t gotten married by the time they’re thirty, nothing else they’ve done in life matters. Bleah.
A little thought and the use of decision-making skills is great. Applying them to choosing whether to marry someone is a terrific idea. Making women feel like yoghurt past it’s sell-by date for being thirty-five and single is something that needs desperately to go the way of the Dodo.
February 9th, 2006 at 3:46 pm
Oh man, Twistie, if I ever am in the market for a new man, I am going to hit up the Renaissance Faire circuit. That sounds totally fabulous!
February 9th, 2006 at 6:54 pm
My dad got two copies of “The ABCs of Finding and Marrying A Good Husband”, one for me and one for my older sister. It actually approaches the issue from a conservatively Christian point of view (for instance, instead of solo dates, get to know your date at home or with “relationship counselors” present). It was interesting, and did point out the wonderful things about the man in my life, but I didn’t agree with all of it. My dad is Catholic, as is my sister, so it is very appropriate for how they view things. Even so, my sister found it somewhat outdated and mocked a couple of their suggestions. Just a thought.
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