Since I have (bleah) jury duty today, this post has to be a quick one. I get to wake up at about 5:30 a.m. to make it to the courthouse by eight because of the huge drifts of snow that have blanketed the northeastern part of the United States and the fact that the courthouse does not have parking. I defintely need something to laugh about right now. There is some great wedding humor floating around the internet and I’ve collected some of the best here:

Some signs you are at a bad wedding:

The bride is the stripper that worked your bachelor party. Or, even worse, the bride is the stripper that worked the groom’s bachelor party.

The reception has a cover charge. And a cash bar.

The back of the bride’s gown is emblazoned with a large Penzoil logo. The favors all read “Eat at Denny’s.”

The bridal registry includes a section where guests can use PayPal to chip in for the groom’s parole.

When the pastor says, “If anyone has any reason why these two people should not marry, speak up now or forever hold your peace…” nine-tenths of the guests stand up.

Every dance at the reception is a dollar dance. If you can’t pay, you can’t boogy.

From Forever Wed, Eighteen (sometimes risque) Ways to be Offensive at a Wedding:

1.Show up with a baby and claim he belongs to the newlyweds.

2.Cover yourself with glue to improve your chances of catching the bouquet.

3.Offer to show people pictures of the bride posing in lingerie.

4.Tell people that you knew the bride before the sex change operation.

5.Tell the bride that the only reason you can look at her is that you used to be a proctologist.

6.Instead of a standard gift, give the newlyweds a gift certificate for a drug rehab clinic.

7.As you move down the receiving line, spit on each person.

8.Ask the bride’s mother to give you sexual favors.

9.Offer the bride some Binaca.

10.Propose a toast to the bride’s nose job.

11.Steal the cards from the wedding gifts so no one can tell who they came from.

12.Walk up to various guests and demand to see their invitations.

13.After the bride throws her garter, start people chanting, “Throw your bra, throw your bra…”

14.Tell everyone that the groom had to be given Quaaludes to keep him from backing out.

15.Tell the rabbi that there’s no money to pay him, and ask if he’ll settle for “stupping” the bride.

16.Assure the bride’s mother that the groom is “well endowed.”

17.Return a bra which the bride left in your car.

18.When the bride is coming down the aisle, push the organist out of the way and start playing, “The Lady is a Tramp.”

Need something ultra space-age in which to walk down the aisle? Maybe something you can plug your iPod into? The lovely Shannon from BITTer-GIrL and Xan from Art of Xan have designed just the thing. For Seamless V2, the second annual technology and fashion immersion event in Boston, they created iDo, which sports an iPod Shuffle in the veil and a full-sized iPod in the dress itself. The dress was described thusly by the creators:

…the iDo gown takes the so-called Bridezilla where she seemingly wants to go: her very own solitary walk down the aisle, with full control over music only she can hear accessed using touch-sensitive fabric technology … and a tiara with built-in iPod.

I only wish I was that creative!

In this, the modern age, we pretty much all have to cook unless we have plenty of disposable income for takeout. It doesn’t matter whether you’re a dude or a lady, kitchen skills are mostly indispensable nowadays, even if you can only make a few simple dishes. Most of the folks I know are youngish and single. All of them can cook something and most of them can cook rather well.

Which is why I’m stymied by the Betty Crocker Bridal Edition cookbook. Not that I don’t love Betty. I am particularly fond of her saucy 1986 visage. But to me a bridal cookbook conjures up images of very young brides who are leaving the sanctuary of their parents’ homes to enter into marriage with a man equally young and inexperienced. It just strikes me as odd and anachronistic. If someone gave me this book as a shower gift, it would join the ranks of the many culinary tomes The Beard and I reference when cooking.

Of course, its name does not change the fact that it has more than one thousand tried and tested Betty Crocker recipes and entire sections devoted to kitchen organization and cooking for guests. You can’t beat that!

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I’m pretty jazzed because my aunt is getting married in Florida this month and I’m actually going to be able to attend the wedding. Once flight information was worked out, it was time to start thinking about what I was going to wear. What I was going to carry. And, of course, what I was going to wear on my feet. I’m thinking of wearing a dress I wore when acting as a friend’s maid of honor a few years back. The dress looks very much like the one pictures in this post. Except the dress has skinny straps instead of a halter and is more purple than red.

Anyhow, before I chose a dress, I called my stepmom to inquire as to what time the ceremony was being held and the general level of formality. The answer: Formal to semi-formal. Then I asked about my aunt’s wedding colors. It wouldn’t do to show up in a dress that was too close in color to the wedding party. The answer: Red and yellow. So I’m safe.

Not many people think about proper wedding guest attire. It used to be that the invitation would give some clues as to the nature of the wedding. Nowadays, not so much. As for the wedding I’m attending, I was invited by phone. Tsk tsk. Anyway, About.com has some wonderful guidelines for wedding guests who want to look their best. Here are some highlights:

Start off with the invitation. Is it in flowing engraved black script on a heavy cream paper with formal language? Odds are the wedding will be similarly formal. Does it cheekily ask you to come see them get hitched? Wedding guests should look for a nice casual outfit. And of course, it may tell you directly on the invitation – black tie, casual attire etc.

Don’t wear:
White. (This rule has relaxed some, and you can get away with wearing a printed dress with a white background and some cream colored clothing. Just be careful not to upstage the bride.)
Black to a daytime wedding
Jeans – duh
Anything too sexy or revealing
Anything torn, with holes, stained, too big or too small for you!
Anything sleeveless or strapless to a religious wedding. Bring a wrap to cover your shoulders.

Wedding guest style for her:
Informal Daytime: Short dress or suit (business attire OK for morning weddings)
Informal Evening: Cocktail dress
Semi-Formal Daytime: Short dress or suit
Semi-formal Evening: Cocktail dress
Formal Daytime: Short dress or suit. Hats and gloves optional.
Formal Evening or Black-Tie: Long or dressy short cocktail (beading, glam accessories, wrap)
Ultra-formal or White Tie: Long gown, extra glitz (furs, diamonds, etc.)

I’d add that one should consider the predicted indoor and outdoor temperature, because I’ve frozen my butt off at plenty of weddings. And how long you can really last in those heels. And what sort of people the bride and groom are. Some families won’t mind you showing a little skin. Others will look at an exposed ankle and gasp in horror. My dress is sleeveless, so I may want to invest in a nice wrap for the occassion. Oh, and I’m going to wear sassy heeled boots…because I like to create a stir.

Sorry it’s taken me so long to post today. WordPress was acting kooky. Anyway, while trying to figure out how to unbork it, I found a very interesting article on how the US army is helping its soldiers learn to choose good spouses.

Defense Department records show more than 56,000 soldiers have gotten divorced since the 2001 campaign in Afghanistan. I’m not really surprised, since I’ve heard it’s hard to be an army wife/husband. It used to be that soldiers without spouses waited until after getting out of the service to get hitched. Hence the saying, “If the Army wanted you to have a wife, it would have issued you one.” But times have changed and chicks and dudes are serving side by side.

Thus, army chaplains have instituted a new program, aptly titled “How To Avoid Marrying a Jerk.”

The “no jerks” program is also called “P.I.C.K. a Partner,” for Premarital Interpersonal Choices and Knowledge.

It advises the marriage-bound to study a partner’s F.A.C.E.S. — family background, attitudes, compatibility, experiences in previous relationships and skills they’d bring to the union.

It teaches the lovestruck to pace themselves with a R.A.M. chart — the Relationship Attachment Model — which basically says don’t let your sexual involvement exceed your level of commitment or level of knowledge about the other person.

Maj. John Kegley, a chaplain who teaches the program in Monterey, Calif., throws in the “no jerk salute” for fun. One hand at the heart, two-fingers at the brow mean use your heart and brain when choosing.

To bad they don’t offer this program for civvies. However, if you aren’t an enlisted man or woman, there are some books out there that can help.

The ABC’s of Choosing a Good Husband: How to Find and Marry a Great Guy can help lonesome ladies find marriage-minded men. On the flip side, there is The ABC’s of Choosing a Good Wife: How to Find and Marry a Great Girl. Um, maybe that should be woman.

I don’t know what to say about The Program : Fifteen Steps to Finding a Husband After 30. Except that I find the existence of such books very, very scary.

I remember digging through my dad’s freezer for a push pop long, long ago and finding a suspicious aluminum-wrapped lump. As it turned out, it was the top tier of his and his wife’s wedding cake, saved to be enjoyed on their first anniversary. A friend of mine who was curious about various wedding traditions recently asked me about this and I’ve been searching for answers ever since.

Apparently, it’s quite common for a newly married couple to freeze either the top of their wedding cake or a slice to be eaten on their first anniversary (or at their first baby’s christening). However, other than “it’s tradition and very lucky” I can find no explanation of the meaning behind it. Thoughts of freezer burn aside, there is nothing wrong with frozen cake…but nothing particularly wonderful about it, either. As Forever Wed points out:

Another wedding cake tradition is to have the top layer of the cake made out of fruit cake. This layer is saved and frozen for the bride and groom to eat on their first anniversary. Many couples do this, but it really doesn’t taste very good a year later. Oh well – it’s tradition!

Sweet Celebrations will sell you a pretty little box to save that cake in for $12. But you can easily do it yourself with freezer bags and foil, provided you have a responsible someone to take the cake home for you. First, place the layer in the freezer to harden the icing. Then loosely wrap it in plastic wrap, with an outer layer of foil for extra protection. Place the whole works in a freezer bag, let the air out, and seal. Putting a rubber band or two around it may help preserve the cake inside. Sure, it sounds extreme, but that cake is going to be biding its time for a year.

So, does anyone have any insight into the origins of this bizarre practice?

As far as innovative and wacky gifts go – and please note that I did not say “classy” or “useful” – few things can beat these limited edition bride and groom PEZ dispensers. Yes, they are kind of cute. But they also carry a hefty price tag. This is not your usual supermarket impulse buy PEZ. A little bride and groom whose necks split open to reveal chalky, fruity candy cost an outrageous $30.95. Five thousand sets are available and, from the looks of it, about 380 have been purchased so far.