Manolo for the Brides

Sorry it’s taken me so long to post today. WordPress was acting kooky. Anyway, while trying to figure out how to unbork it, I found a very interesting article on how the US army is helping its soldiers learn to choose good spouses.

Defense Department records show more than 56,000 soldiers have gotten divorced since the 2001 campaign in Afghanistan. I’m not really surprised, since I’ve heard it’s hard to be an army wife/husband. It used to be that soldiers without spouses waited until after getting out of the service to get hitched. Hence the saying, “If the Army wanted you to have a wife, it would have issued you one.” But times have changed and chicks and dudes are serving side by side.

Thus, army chaplains have instituted a new program, aptly titled “How To Avoid Marrying a Jerk.”

The “no jerks” program is also called “P.I.C.K. a Partner,” for Premarital Interpersonal Choices and Knowledge.

It advises the marriage-bound to study a partner’s F.A.C.E.S. — family background, attitudes, compatibility, experiences in previous relationships and skills they’d bring to the union.

It teaches the lovestruck to pace themselves with a R.A.M. chart — the Relationship Attachment Model — which basically says don’t let your sexual involvement exceed your level of commitment or level of knowledge about the other person.

Maj. John Kegley, a chaplain who teaches the program in Monterey, Calif., throws in the “no jerk salute” for fun. One hand at the heart, two-fingers at the brow mean use your heart and brain when choosing.

To bad they don’t offer this program for civvies. However, if you aren’t an enlisted man or woman, there are some books out there that can help.

The ABC’s of Choosing a Good Husband: How to Find and Marry a Great Guy can help lonesome ladies find marriage-minded men. On the flip side, there is The ABC’s of Choosing a Good Wife: How to Find and Marry a Great Girl. Um, maybe that should be woman.

I don’t know what to say about The Program : Fifteen Steps to Finding a Husband After 30. Except that I find the existence of such books very, very scary.

I remember digging through my dad’s freezer for a push pop long, long ago and finding a suspicious aluminum-wrapped lump. As it turned out, it was the top tier of his and his wife’s wedding cake, saved to be enjoyed on their first anniversary. A friend of mine who was curious about various wedding traditions recently asked me about this and I’ve been searching for answers ever since.

Apparently, it’s quite common for a newly married couple to freeze either the top of their wedding cake or a slice to be eaten on their first anniversary (or at their first baby’s christening). However, other than “it’s tradition and very lucky” I can find no explanation of the meaning behind it. Thoughts of freezer burn aside, there is nothing wrong with frozen cake…but nothing particularly wonderful about it, either. As Forever Wed points out:

Another wedding cake tradition is to have the top layer of the cake made out of fruit cake. This layer is saved and frozen for the bride and groom to eat on their first anniversary. Many couples do this, but it really doesn’t taste very good a year later. Oh well - it’s tradition!

Sweet Celebrations will sell you a pretty little box to save that cake in for $12. But you can easily do it yourself with freezer bags and foil, provided you have a responsible someone to take the cake home for you. First, place the layer in the freezer to harden the icing. Then loosely wrap it in plastic wrap, with an outer layer of foil for extra protection. Place the whole works in a freezer bag, let the air out, and seal. Putting a rubber band or two around it may help preserve the cake inside. Sure, it sounds extreme, but that cake is going to be biding its time for a year.

So, does anyone have any insight into the origins of this bizarre practice?

As far as innovative and wacky gifts go - and please note that I did not say “classy” or “useful” - few things can beat these limited edition bride and groom PEZ dispensers. Yes, they are kind of cute. But they also carry a hefty price tag. This is not your usual supermarket impulse buy PEZ. A little bride and groom whose necks split open to reveal chalky, fruity candy cost an outrageous $30.95. Five thousand sets are available and, from the looks of it, about 380 have been purchased so far.

I hate to admit it, but I am so obsessed with the Outlander series by Diana Gabaldon. I usually hate romance novels but this novel cleverly disguises itself as historical fiction. Or, rather, the second book, Dragonfly in Amber does. Outlander is a bit more romancey. Anyway, reading the first two books started me on a quest for a wedding ring like the one the protagonist receives or at least a wedding band of a Scottish nature.

I know I’ve always maintained that I wanted a plain gold band, but I am so in love with the rings from Scottish Heirloom Jewelry. Particularly the cluster knot band below.

This is me swooning like a romance novel heroine!

Diamonds are not this girl’s best friend but I wouldn’t kick them out of bed, either. I’m not saying that I want a diamond engagement ring - because I actually want something in moissanite - but diamonds do remain something of a tradition. I’m going to go out on a limb here and assume that most young men looking to get hitched probably run on down to their local chain jewel and buy whatever the salesperson tells them to buy. This would be wonderful, as jewelers tend to know a lot about jewels, save for one thing: jewelry stores exist to sell jewelry. End of story.

As do diamond companies, which is why DeBeers likes to imply that diamonds are forever when in fact all diamonds are slowly transforming into graphite (which has a more stable chemical bond, blah blah blah) over time. Anyway. If your man is the more traditional sort and is going to propose with a diamond, like the quarter carat diamond trio above, he should have the tools to do it right.

So, for your perusal, here are some links to some of the more lengthy guides on buying diamonds. After you’ve e-mailed them to your fellow, don’t forget to let him know there will be a quiz in the morning.

The Diamond Buying Guide: This site has more pages than I probably have the patience to look through, but let’s just say it’s…comprehensive.

Diamond.com: This somewhat shorter guide includes some helpdul (and scientific) illustrations to help readers understand the importance of cut, etc.

The Guide at Bridaltips.com: The layout of this guide stinks and there are a lot of ads, but it does address concerns that the size of the ring has something to do with the size of the love. Which, of course, it doesn’t.

So. Flower girls. I always thought I’d have one in my wedding, but now my sisters are all too old to fill that role without sticking little attitudinal fingers down their throats and saying, “OHMIGAWD, BARF!” or whatever it is the kids say these days. The Beard’s neice could always fulfill that role, provided we get hitched in the next few years, and I could dress her up in a cute Us Angels sleaveless organza dress. Anyway.

Flower girls are a nice way to include your dreamy-eyed little sister, neice, daughter, or whatever in your wedding. They are usually between four and eight years old, which is fine, because their only job is to walk down the aisle scattering flowers or flower petals in their wake. They are by no means mandatory and the choice to have one is entirely up to the future bride and groom.

But as much as we grownup types love ooh’ing and ah’ing over teeny tots in frilly dresses, the future flower girl may need a little instruction and a lot of encouragement to help her become confident in her role. If she is adament about not being a flower girl, don’t force her. But if she’s reluctant yet curious, there are some books and videos that can help her understand her duties.

10 Neat Things About Being a Flower Girl shows little girls their role and the significance of weddings in general with lots of beautiful photos of people of various cultures tying the knot.

Wedding Kids, on the other hand, is suitable for both flower girls and ring bearers. It tells little ladies and gentlemen what to expect and how to conduct themselves using fun-to-watch cartoons.