One final tale of wedding woe

The wife whistle

As proof that life is often stranger than fiction, Twistie (aka Gileswench of I’d Like To Test That Theory, which may or may not be safe for work) shared a story about future in-laws that would make most brides-to-be run like hell. Here’s hoping the groom didn’t take after his crazy family!

A friend of mine married a terrific guy, but he came from a scary family. “Jean” and “Joel” were getting married in a redwood grove and his parents were worried about the dirt. Thus it was the poor groom that was dragged off the night before the wedding to – I kid you not – scrub the woods clean with Spik ‘n’ Span.

The father of the groom repeatedly told my friend that she didn’t need to wear anything special to the ceremony. Apparently wanting a wedding gown was somehow snooty. Luckily, my friend listened to her own conscience, her friends, and her mother, and ignored the advice of her soon-to-be father in law.

The kicker was how these people behaved at the reception. The instant the ceremony was over, “Joel’s” entire family changed out of their formal footwear and into running shoes. His father undid his shirt almost to navel level.

Then one of the groom’s brothers told a fifteen minute rendition of the moose turd pie joke as a toast to the happy couple. As the final insult, the mother of the groom presented a special gift at the reception: a whistle so her son could summon his bride at any time, day or night, to do his bidding. Ick!

17 Responses to “One final tale of wedding woe”

  1. Jayne says:

    Ick? SICK.

    Maybe I’m cynical but I’d keep an eye on her new husband. No way you can come from a family that mental and not have a little of it rub off.

    I bet he’s telling turd jokes to every waiter they encounter on their honeymoon 😉

  2. La BellaDonna says:

    Perhaps not, Jayne. Don’t most children rebel against their parents? With any luck, the groom is nothing like his lunatic relatives. The woods were too dirty? For what, their running shoes????

    I hope, for the bride’s sake, they move far, FAR away from these people.

  3. Lori says:

    Were the traveling clothes made of old curtains? Is the mother (who gave her son the whistle) related to the Von Trapps?

  4. Twistie says:

    I have long considered the groom to be one of the coolest people I’ve ever known, so no, he hasn’t turned out like his family. In fact, this couple will soon celebrate twenty years of wedded bliss and have two lovely kids.

    And Lori, I wouldn’t have put it past his mother to pull a VonTrapp if she had any skill with a needle. In point of fact, they changed into various forms of jogging outfits and other clothes inappropriate for a wedding reception. His mother did leave on her festive pantsuit, but put on running shoes with it.

    Damn. Thought I left the sigline off that message. Anyway, in another online life, I am known as Gileswench. Only check out the website if you’re into Buffy the Vampire Slayer fanfic. Otherwise you might be in for a bit of a surprise! LOL!

  5. Never teh Bride says:

    All fixed, Twistie – and I added that it might not be safe for work. I hope it’s alright that I left it. Do let me know if it isn’t!

  6. Twistie says:

    No problemo, NtB! I just wanted to make sure people knew they might be getting into something strange and kinky before they hit that link. ; ) I don’t think there are any visuals that are work-unfriendly, but some of the text is…a little graphic.

  7. jenny says:

    Please tell me that the groom’s father didn’t undo his shirt in order to show off his abundant chest hair and heavy gold chains.

    (P.S. Spic & Span is one of my mother’s Holy Grails. Perhaps the groom’s family felt that they must purify the grove to prepare it for the nuptials. Either that, or they didn’t want to soil their new sneaks.)

  8. Gigolo Kitty says:

    OMG, Gileswench, I am a huge fan of your Buffy fanfic! This is a really small internet-world isn’t it:)

  9. Twistie says:

    Gigilo Kitty: (blushes) Thanks. And yes, it certainly is!

    Jenny: no gold chains, thank goodness. Those would have been considered effeminate and probably as snooty as a bride wanting to look like a bride on her wedding day. As for chest hair, I pointedly didn’t check. The purity theory does put things in a much nicer light than I think they were intended. I have a strong suspicion it was more worry about how the sneaks would hold up. Somehow, though, my silk dress and dyable flats made it through without harm. Must’ve been the Spik & Span!

  10. Julie says:

    I am a chubby redhaired bride with a lot of hair. My hair is neither straight nor curly and it’s in that horrible no man’s land known as a medium length. I’m getting married in April and I have no idea how I’ll do my hair. I know I don’t want to shave it all off but that’s the extent of it. All the magazines have are skinny long necked girls with glorious up dos or more skinny girls with long flowing perfect hair. No one has a guide on what wedding hair to have if you’re round and your hair doesn’t flow.

    I’m at a loss. My mom suggested the add on hair pieces that sell at a cart in the mall and I’d just as soon wear a Marilyn Monroe wig then do that. You’re the only wedding site I’ve found that gives advice for normal girls so I thought I’d see if you had any input.

  11. A Student says:

    Never teh Bride – you should do a special on which Oscar dresses would make good wedding dresses!

  12. Twistie says:

    Julie, you might try looking through this gallery of wedding hairstles:

    I saw several brides in it whose hair wasn’t all that long and whose faces were a touch on the round side. You may be able to find something you can adapt to your hair.

    A lot of it really depends on what, if anything, you’re wearing on your head (veil, hat, wreath of flowers, etc.) and the how cooperative your hair is when you try to style it.

    Good luck!

  13. Never teh Bride says:

    I’ll have a look around, Julie, and see what I can find for you!

  14. Bria says:

    Psst, NtB…I got engaged this weekend 🙂

  15. Never teh Bride says:

    Yay! Congrats, Bria!!!

  16. La BellaDonna says:

    Congrats to Bria! Julie, your hair sounds as if it would hold a set wonderfully well. You might want to try experimenting with some of the 40’s glamour-girl styles (very Veronica Lake). And hair pieces can be a very very useful item of hairdressing – I have stick-straight black hair that’s about 8″ below my waist, and if I want curls, I append them to a nice coiled foundation for a pretty, effective hairdo. (As a matter of fact, and I’m not being fresh, your hair would undoubtedly hold the Marilyn Monroe set very well, and she had a round face, too – I have photos of her without makeup. So it could be very becoming to you.)

  17. Twistie says:

    Woo and hoo, Bria! Congratulations.