Reader A Student suggested I talk a bit about which of the many lovely and brilliant gowns at this year’s Oscars might make good wedding gowns. Looking over various photos of the event, it occurred to me that since shades of white are popular this year, quite a few of the gowns were already wedding ready. Of course, most were either strapless, sausage-casing tight, or low cut, so the aforementioned weddings would have to be of the less religious variety. Anyway, here is a selection of gowns that I think would easily fit right into a nuptial setting:

Jennifer Garner in Michael Kors

Reese Witherspoon in vintage Christian Dior

Nicole Kidman in strapless Balenciaga

Diane Krueger in an Elie Saab strapless gown

Now there was one more actress who brides-to-be might want to look toward for advice when choosing their gowns…except, in this instance, as a shining example of what not to do. Yes, it’s Givenchy. But I don’t care who designed it. Naomi Watts looks like she’s wearing what I’d end up with if I tried to sew my own gown. Ladies, let this be a warning to you:

As proof that life is often stranger than fiction, Twistie (aka Gileswench of I’d Like To Test That Theory, which may or may not be safe for work) shared a story about future in-laws that would make most brides-to-be run like hell. Here’s hoping the groom didn’t take after his crazy family!

A friend of mine married a terrific guy, but he came from a scary family. “Jean” and “Joel” were getting married in a redwood grove and his parents were worried about the dirt. Thus it was the poor groom that was dragged off the night before the wedding to – I kid you not – scrub the woods clean with Spik ‘n’ Span.

The father of the groom repeatedly told my friend that she didn’t need to wear anything special to the ceremony. Apparently wanting a wedding gown was somehow snooty. Luckily, my friend listened to her own conscience, her friends, and her mother, and ignored the advice of her soon-to-be father in law.

The kicker was how these people behaved at the reception. The instant the ceremony was over, “Joel’s” entire family changed out of their formal footwear and into running shoes. His father undid his shirt almost to navel level.

Then one of the groom’s brothers told a fifteen minute rendition of the moose turd pie joke as a toast to the happy couple. As the final insult, the mother of the groom presented a special gift at the reception: a whistle so her son could summon his bride at any time, day or night, to do his bidding. Ick!

Being that I was fairly young in the 1980s, I love to make fun of the decade as a whole. Come on, high waisted, tapered leg pants? Giant hair? The off-the-shoulder flashdance look? When it came to wedding wear, many brides wanted that Princess Di, Victorian look. The ivory satin and antique lace gown above is, as stated, actually from the 1890s, but could, with slight modifications have fit right into the 1980s.

Of course, such a gown can come with complications, as Phyllis points out in her wacky wedding story:

The scene: Mid 1980s…..it was a sweltering July day in Connecticut, and I was dragged to this wedding by a co-worker who needed a date. There was ZERO air-conditioning in the church and it was easily over 100 degrees – plus it was a gigantic Catholic wedding with a full Mass – a 60 minute ceremony, easy….

In those days the height of bridal fashion was the pseudo-Victorian gown with a very high neck, leg o’ mutton sleeves and so much beaded Alencon lace that brides resembled piers coated with barnacles. The headpiece fashion of the time was a sort of Flashdance headband-halo thing that resembled those cages that spinal injury patients wear. Plus Big Hair. This bride was all of that.

So she comes down the aisle amidst 300 people fanning themselves with the wedding programs. Then she strides up to the alter, takes her grooms hand – and faints dead away.

She (naturally) spent most of the reception pissed off.

The best part of reading someone else’s crazy story is thinking, Wow, I’m glad that wasn’t a wedding I was invited to. However, I’ve been to plenty of parties where the host and hostess did not adequately plan, leaving guests to order takeout or hit the local drive through. So I can almost, but not quite, sympathize with reader Karen’s former in laws. She wrote:

Having decided that there wouldn’t be enough food at our reception, my future in-laws produced a large bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken at the table. Yes, it was still in the bucket! Needless to say, the relationship did not last.

Trust family to be the ones to embarrass you most. Carol, of Go Knit Your Hat, shared a rather mean rehearsal dinner prank no doubt meant to amuse the guests and mortify the bride:

When a friend from high school got married in 1991, she had a very large rehearsal dinner at a pretty upscale catering hall. She invited close to a hundred people: in addition to family and the bridal party, she invited pretty much everyone who came to the wedding from out of town. After dinner, a round of toasts to the happy couple began. Guests were invited, nay, encouraged to step up and raise a glass of champagne and offer their own reminiscences or good wishes.

A guest — married to one of the bride’s best friends — rose, raised his glass, and after a quick preliminary word, said in all earnestness, “Now that John is making an honest woman of Mary, I will too. I think I should return this” — and he takes out a key –”the key to Mary’s apartment.” A chuckle, slightly more uneasy from the bride’s family than from the drunken college crowd, passes across the room. The guest walks up to the bride’s table and drops the key in front of her. It makes a loud plunking sound.

The guest turns to face the crowd again and says, “Now I know I’m not the only one here with something to confess. Let’s go, gentlemen; let’s make a truly honest woman out of Mary.” A moment of silence, and then nearly every man in the room stands up, walks over to the bride’s table, and drops his own key. Plunk, plunk, plunk. Thirty or forty keys, plunking one at a time. Half the guests are now laughing and half are squirming.

The move that brought the house down was when the father of the groom — a very gruff and distinguished grey-haired gentleman — slowly got up, walked around to the bride’s seat, and dropped the last key in front of her.

Plunk!