Vows from the heart
By Never teh Bride
Because the love two people feel for one another is special and unique, and different from all the loves that will come before or after, many couples choose to write their own wedding vows. Many of us, no doubt, have contemplated tossing the traditional religious vows and penning our own. So what’s stopping us?
Well, remember the hell you went through trying to write a compelling speech during elections for middle school class president? This is worse. How many TV shows, both comedic and dramatic, have made use of plot lines where loving but tongue-tied brides and grooms have tried and failed to write original wedding vows? Or have left it until the very last minute with hilarious results? The long and the short of it is: Writing vows is hard.
If you really, really, really want to write your own vows, you may want those vows to answer questions like: What is the most wonderful quality you’ve seen in your spouse to be? When did you realize she or her was the one for you? What does marriage mean to you? How has your vision of the perfect spouse evolved over the years and how does your spouse to be fit into that vision? You may also want to include some personal memories in your vows or discuss how you’ve grown together as a couple.
Ultimate wedding offers the following tips:
- Don’t embarrass your friends and family with details that are too intimate or lengthy.
- Sincerity is the key; the words should come from your heart.
- Decide whether or not the two of you will recite the same vows or different ones.
- Incorporate your wedding guests into your vows by having them responded with their blessings and support.
- Discuss your personal vows with your officiant beforehand.
- Read your vows out loud, which is a surprisingly effective way to catch errors, glitches, or awkward phrasing.
If you hit a roadblock, consider consulting a romantic books and poems for inspiration. Advice tomes like The Everything Wedding Vows Book, Promises to Keep : Crafting Your Wedding Ceremony, and A World of Ways to Say I Do : Unique Vows, Readings, and Poems to Make Your Wedding Day Your Own can help you put your thoughts onto paper if you get tongue-tied.
May 17th, 2006 at 1:36 pm
I’d also like to suggest the book “The Wedding Ceremony Planner: The Essential Guide to the Most Important Part of Your Wedding Day” by Rev. Judith Johnson.
I used this book to customize every aspect of my recent wedding, from the opening prayer & gathering words to the final blessing & pronouncement. There are several passages of each “section” of the ceremony for you to choose from, as well as suggestions on personalizing each section. The sample ceremonies will give you a great place to start if you know you want to personalize your ceremony but aren’t sure where to start.
The book isn’t just geared towards those looking for religious ceremonies: there’s a perfect balance of ceremony passages for those looking for religious words as well as passages for non-traditional unions (ex: same-sex ceremonies, second marriages, marriages with children from previous relationships, etc). The helpful hints, practical advice, and checklists throughout the book made this an indispensable resource.
May 17th, 2006 at 3:03 pm
Thanks for the tip, Vis Major! I’ll have to check it out.
May 17th, 2006 at 3:11 pm
Books can be a huge help with writing a ceremony/personalized vows. I used one book that broke the ceremony down into its constituant parts, explained which ones were legally necessary and which were optional, gave examples from a number of different religious traditions and one or two civil (read: not religious at all) versions of the same part. You could use all the parts from one tradition, mix and match, or use it as inspiration for writing something completely original. It then had a few sample ceremonies at the back. Great book.
The other I used was a book of poems, essays, quotes, and scripture passages particularly appropriate for weddings. In it, I found a wonderful piece by Wendall Berry that absolutely summed up my feelings about marriage. My beloved liked the ceremony I wrote around it, and the officiant asked permission to add our ceremony to his packet of suggestions he sent to all couples he was marrying. Of course I said yes!
It’s not as daunting a task as it looks at first as long as you get some good guidelines of what is and isn’t necessary, find a book or website with words from people more eloquent than you, and steal from the best! Oh, and be sure to discuss your ceremony with your officient well in advance, in case you’ve missed putting in something important.
May 18th, 2006 at 9:04 am
We wanted to write our own but we weren’t sure what to say. Then I found the about.com list of sample wedding vows - we found one on there that we thought was perfect, but then decided a few days later to tweak slightly.
It worked really well for us. At my friends wedding, they had all this weird personal stuff and it made me glad we didn’t write our own.
May 18th, 2006 at 10:06 am
I’ve heard some pretty personal vows in my time. I think it leaves the guests sort of looking at their shoes in discomfort. I mean, personal can be great, but one can take it too far.
May 18th, 2006 at 10:15 am
It’s a fine line between personally meaningful and TMI.
May 18th, 2006 at 11:58 am
While writing your own vows is challenging (and like Twistie says, I’ve been to weddings where it’s WAY TMI!), I have to say that writing our vows was the single most romantic part of our wedding planning. By far. It gives you a chance to take a break from fussing over silly stuff and just sit down and actually talk about what you mean to each other. It was just awesome.
May 23rd, 2006 at 11:31 am
Hi all,
Great tips. Personal vows are nice, but I always suggest that couples keep it tasteful.
I’m actually glad that my husband and I did not write our own vows. He got so nervous during the ceremony that he repeated his vows back to me in reverse order and then added my name at the very end. The priest and everyone in the church just giggled.
Too funny…
Have a good one!
Alison