They don’t just shower themselves, ya know
By Never teh Bride
When I think of bridal showers, I think of paper plate bow hats, light brunches in which all the women opt for the small salad, and marathon sessions of gift wrap tearing in which guests ooh and ah over outdated negligees. But the much maligned bridal shower actually has its roots in a heartwarming Dutch fable, which I will summarize here.
A young girl in Holland fell in love with a poor miller, who spent his time and his money helping those less fortunate than himself. In short order, they made plans to marry. Her father, outraged at her choice of husband, refused to bless his daughter with the traditional bridal dowry, hoping that she would choose another.
But the girl’s feelings were stronger than her fear of poverty and she married her true love without her father’s consent. Penniless but happy, the she and her miller somehow made do. Their neighbors, a kindhearted bunch, eventually learned of the plight of the couple and, with the help of the miller’s friends, ’showered’ the couple with gifts. The home of the girl and her husband, once filled only with love, was filled with everything they needed to begin their new life together.
Over time, the concept of the dowry was phased out in most cultures, but the tradition of family and friends coming together to help brides- and grooms-to-be fill and furnish their homes remained. Though plenty of future brides still don ribbon hats and toilet tissue gowns, today’s showers may include men and are often less intimate affairs than the showers of yore. Etiquette typically demands that a friend of the bride (rather than a family member) hosted the shower, but if a women doesn’t have a close female friend to fulfill that role or if her good friends are spread out across the globe, the rules can be relaxed.
So what to do at the shower? I say, nix the public gift openings (this, of course, is a reflection of my opinions, not etiquette rules) and opt instead for a champagne toast. This can prevent hurt feelings or embarrassment on the part of guests whose presents seem meager compared to rich old Aunt Sally’s gift of a full silver service. And don’t forget the games! Keepsake designer Karin Sella Sloan has some great print and play shower games like the ‘I Do IQ’ and ‘Bridal Secrets’ on her web site. Or go pro and order some wedding themed games from Bridal Shower Games A to Z.
Hosting a shower and want to know more? Check out The Ultimate Bridal Shower Idea Book or Wedding Cram’s Bridal Shower FAQ.
August 22nd, 2006 at 3:44 pm
//Etiquette once demanded that a friend of the bride (rather than a family member) hosted the shower, but as many modern women don’t have a close female friend to fulfill that role, the rules have relaxed.//
(puzzles)
When did that rule relax? Usually it’s up to the maid/matron of honor to plan the shower. I find it very odd that it would be automatically assumed that a bride has no close female friends outside the family, too. I’m sure it happens once in a while, but so often as to erase the rule that you don’t have your immediate family throw a party for you specifically to get gifts? I’m having a hard time swallowing that one.
Then again, since the entire point of the party is to shower the bride with gifts, I can’t imagine going to a shower and not having the gifts opened. Likewise, I would have committed extreme violence on anyone attempting to make me play party games at my shower. I know some people love them, but most shower games give me the heebie-jeebies!
Love you, NtB, but this one? I gotta disagree on virtually all points.
August 22nd, 2006 at 4:01 pm
I look at it on a case by case basis. I would never suggest that a bride plan her own shower, but with the world opening up, I’ve known brides whose female friends were spread out over the US or whose entire bridal parties were made up of sisters. I’m not suggesting that the rules of etiquette be tossed out the window, but there are certainly cases where it’s more practical for a mom or sister to host the shower.
And as for the gifts, I should clarify that the gift nix is my opinion. In fact, I’ll clarify both points in the post. Regarding gifts, I’ve always felt a bit odd at public git openings. I feel they have the potential to cause unwelcome competition and hurt feelings. And they put the bride on display in a manner I find a bit…odd.
August 22nd, 2006 at 7:47 pm
Yeah, public opening of gifts is actually against traditional ettiquette – at least, that’s what my battered Miss Manners says. As such, this “tradition” of opening presents at the shower wasn’t ever proper ettiquette. In addition, many women do have geographically distant bridal parties – or men in their bridal parties who are unfamiliar with showers.
As for when this started, the 1979 “Miss Manners’ Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior” also covers men in the wedding party, families throwing showers and other “modern” traditions. I think this isn’t exactly new, since it wasn’t new in 1979 when Judith Martin was writing about it.
August 22nd, 2006 at 7:56 pm
The Dutch have such cool customs. They came up w/ Santa Claus too (by way of St. Nicolas)!
August 22nd, 2006 at 10:39 pm
I’m glad to hear it, Mcmiller. I’m a pro-progressivity girl, myself! Also, I didn’t believe that was an actual book title until I looked it up and when I saw it was real, I had to buy it. Miss Manners has always been proper, but she’s never been out of date.
August 23rd, 2006 at 2:23 am
i didn’t realise there were “rules” about the host at all, other than it was bad form to host it yourself (as the bride).
Btw NtB I’ve forwarded this post to my MOH!
August 23rd, 2006 at 8:48 am
My mother used to read Miss Manners over the breakfast table, a charming practice I intend to use with my children that allows them to learn without constantly nagging them.
Miss Manners makes the point that any party thrown for the purpose of getting gifts is tacky no matter who hosts it, and suggests that a modern interpretation of “shower” should include showering the bride (and groom for co-ed showers) with good wishes rather than presents. As such, when I have the chance to arrange a shower I try to include some activity where people record their hopes or advice or good wishes. Having a theme or location that makes gift opening difficult is one way to avoid this awkwardness. No one would bring bone china into a water park, for example.
August 23rd, 2006 at 3:19 pm
So, this will probably not be a popular suggestion, but can we do away with the opening of the gifts AND the games?
I find it really odd that most hostesses don’t seem to think it’s enough entertainment/interaction to bring people together with refreshments. I love the idea of a toast, but, beyond that, I would much rather just make pleasant conversation with the other attendees.
I’m probably in the very narrow minority here, though…
August 23rd, 2006 at 3:29 pm
I don’t know, Gray. I’m guessing you might be in a secret majority. I bet a lot of folks are just too polite to say that they don’t want to play bridal shower games.
August 25th, 2006 at 11:21 am
Speaking of toilet-paper wedding gowns (we weren’t, really), check out these winners of the annual Toilet Paper Wedding Dress contest! Fab, non? Makes even my most breathtaking bridal shower efforts look like…crap.