RSVP: Not optional
A fabulous individual whom I will simply address as the future Mrs. Anonymous recently wrote to ask:
What is the proper procedure for dealing with people who fail to respond to a wedding invitation?
The invites started going out August 15th; the responses were due in by September 20th; we’ve got nine days to go, and we still have people who have given no indication of having received an invite, much less decided whether or not they’re coming. The laggards include: one of my mother’s cousins; a co-worker of mine who should not have failed to miss my asking for her home address via email; an ex-co-worker whose wedding I was unable to attend, but for whom I sent a gift; a pair of old college friends (my cellist was best person at their wedding); and a number of my fiancé’s relatives. I am not counting in that group the friend who I had to bug three times just to get his address, then failed to respond to the invite, then finally (after I specifically asked) said, “I’m sorry, I’m checking flights now” on Sunday via email and has not contacted me since.
I’m not nearly as annoyed with the people who have at least responded to my bugging via email. But — ARRRRRGH. We have to give the final count to the caterer next week. With all the things I’ve got going on — dress yesterday, flowers tomorrow, hair Sunday, and did I mention that I’m a full-time graduate student AND working? (And that, unless I have misinterpreted my co-worker’s email, work is not happy about my taking a total of six days off for the wedding — three before, three after?) — I do not need to be chasing people down and saying, “Chicken? Salmon? Veggie? TELL ME!”
Anyway. There is an actual question buried somewhere in this rant. I suspect that the best etiquette handling, when speaking to people who were slack on the response front, is to smile sweetly and say, “It was lovely! We missed you! You must have been busy,” or something to that effect. But if Emily Post or any of her descendents has specific instructions for Dealing With People Who Don’t Even Bother to Acknowledge That You Wanted Their Presence During Your Special Day Et Cetera, I would love for you to bring it to the blogreaders’ attention.
Well, first off, Mrs. Anon, let me just say that I sympathize. I know a lot of couples going through this right now, wondering how they can politely explain to those people who believe that RSVP stands for RESPOND SOMETIME I’ll wait VERY PATIENTLY that they included response cards in their wedding invitations for a reason. And after hosting scores of parties during which people either showed up without accepting my invitation or failed to attend without declining, I am convinced that the practice of RSVPing is going down the toilet.
So the short answer to your question is, the proper procedure for dealing with people who fail to respond to wedding (or any other) invitations is to draw and quarter them. Just kidding – that’s just in my dreams.
Two rudes don’t make a right, so I’m afraid brides- and grooms-to-be getting hassled by caterers who need final counts cannot vent their frustrations by sending angry missives to those who are remiss in their guestly duties.
Unfortunately, whether you are busy or not, the best tactic is the proactive one. It’s a lot harder for those still holding on to their response cards to ignore the ringing of a telephone than it is for them to overlook your e-mails. Call them directly and ask sweetly whether they plan to attend. Those no-shows who manage to evade your tendrils of telephonic communication should be addressed politely and coolly in the future. Should they choose to explain themselves, it is then up to you to decide whether or not to offer forgiveness.
As for what to do about the needs of your caterer, if you can afford it, give yourself a little leeway and add a few more plates to your final tally.
If you’d rather not drop the extra cash (and who would?), as a last resort, try sending those who have not yet RSVPed an e-mail or a voicemail stating how sorry you are they will not be attending and how much they will be missed. It may prompt (read: embarrass) them into action.
And since you asked, I had to look up Miss Manners’ take on this (sorry Emily Post). In her Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior, she suggest that if she were in your shoes, she would “hang on to the list of people who needed prodding” because it can serve as “an invaluable reminder, for the next party, of whom not to invite.” ZING!
Two months ago, we received an invitation to the wedding of an old friend of my fiance. The invitation was sent to his mother’s house, and didn’t made its way to us until two weeks or so before the wedding. So what did my fiance, grownup that he is, do about it? He immediately picked up the phone, called the friend, apologized that we hadn’t responded yet, and asked if it was too late to include us in the count. The couple was happy to hear from us, said no problem, we went and had a nice time.
It’s always possible funny stuff happens in the invite delivery, as it did with us. But…it’s just so easy for people to gracefully cover themselves when it does. One phone call, you know? All of that is to say that I have to agree with the point from Mss Manners that NtB ends with – if people just can’t be arsed to act like adults and show a smidge of respect for your time and your most special event, well, they’ve told you a lot more than they may think.
One thing to help with the busy factor: maybe see if any family members can help with some of the calling, especially for the wayward guests they actually know. Even if the moms on each side just took charge of reining in their respective family members, it might make the list more manageble.
How about an entirely different tack: don’t include the location on the invitations. Send it only to the people who have responded.
“If you can make it let us know and we’ll tell you where to come!” I love the idea of the resentment that would stimulate. You’d have to at least name the city, but you don’t have to give the name and address of the venue (church or whatever).
You are truly devious, Kai Jones. Devious and fabulous.
Kai Jones, you are my new bitch goddess. (bows down)
that’s awesome, but I don’t think I’d have the chutzpah to pull it off.
We actually gave a really short RSVP date on ours, about two and a half weeks from invitations being sent, to leave lots of chasing up time. As it stands we’re 24 days out, catering needs numbers 2 weeks before the day and we’re only waiting on two couples, one of which are agonising about which wedding to attend, ours or a close childhood friend. H2B’s mother did lots of menacing on her side from what I understand though LOL.
heh Kai Jones. We actually did something milder but similar for our rehearsal dinner (to which all out-of-town guests were invited) — we told them where it was, but that they had to respond to get directions.
Not everyone responded, but no one who didn’t respond showed up
A related point from another perspective: I’ve attended a good number of weddings in the last few years — often going to considerable expense to travel and provide a gift for the couple — and it seems thank-you notes are about as popular as RSVPing. It’s enough to make me say COME ON, FOLKS, AIN’T YOU HOUSEBROKEN?
Good point, Anonymous! There are responsibilities that need to be addressed on both sides of the nuptial head table. Thank you notes are also “not optional!”
I totally sympathize. We are getting married in two weeks and we had to call and send emails to people who never responded. These are people who we thought for sure would be there. I never knew it, but I guess weddings tend to bring out the true colors in people!
Interesting. We sent our invitations out just after Christmas, our wedding is February 10. I am astounded as our response date of Jan 20 has come and gone and we are missing 2/3 of the response cards. I have followed up either “in person” or via phone with some; others, I’ve sent emails. Yes, emailS, plural. Nothing in return. The weird part? Some of those “ignorers” were people who were ecstatic when we got engaged in March of last year, who said they just loved the Save The Dates we sent out in August, who said they’d not miss it for the world. Yet: the are ignoring our attempts (very kind attempts as I have not used cuss words in the emails or vmails) to TRY to get them to respond with a Y or N. I don’t understand it and never will. All it takes is checking off a box, putting the response card into the SASE, and putting it into that box thingy stuck in the ground out front of your house. Or; hit REPLY in the email and say “sorry but I’m a N”. At this point it is not a “head count” but a “body count”. We’re not a violent Bride & Groom, just disappointed in society the lack of etiquette. On the bright side: we know who are friends are, and who are friends aren’t. Getting married surely shows you that!
Wow, Darkeyedgirl, I have to commend you for taking your situation so well. I know plenty of people (myself included) who would be on the warpath. Good luck and congrats!