The Top 5 Things That Will Check Your Pre-Wedding Bliss

The foibles that turn a bride-to-be into a raging, foaming-at-the-mouth bridezilla are just part of what makes planning a wedding so much fun. Cross my heart. The best things in life are seldom free, and many young ladies and gents find that they pay in spades for the privilege of having a “perfect” wedding. What could go wrong? How about everything under the sun…

The well-wishes that come in the form of cards, phone calls, e-mails and letters after you announce your engagement may or may not sweeten the sting of hearing things like, “It’s about time,” and “So, he’s finally decided to make an honest woman of you!” The loved ones that swore up and down that they would be there for you during your engagement will be replaced by androids programmed to make constant quips about shotguns, living in sin, wedding night terrors, edible underpants, and garter removal. The help you expected to receive during these first weeks and months of planning? Don’t look for it here unless you’re planning to serve up a heaping helping of resentment along with your chicken, fish, and vegetarian plates.

Your wedding dress is lovely. Your wedding dress makes you look like the woman you’ve always wanted to be. Unfortunately, the wedding dress you chose and the wedding dress the salon ordered for you are not the same dress. You will be told by a perky yet grandmotherly woman that they can order the correct dress, provided you don’t mind receiving it the day before your wedding. Or the right dress will come in a size that will either force you to hold your breath for the duration of your wedding or require so many alterations to scale down that your seamstress will decide to enlist the help of an experienced structural engineer. You will then enjoy a lengthy period of nail biting while you wait to find out whether you will actually be able to wear the dress of your dreams.

Think you’re having a small wedding? Think again. Once you and your honey have perfected the perfect 15-person guest list, the voices of dissent will start rolling in. Dear old Aunt Eddie will insist that she won’t come unless her three catty, bratty daughters also receive invitations. Grandma, in an effort to be helpful, will send you a spreadsheet of the names and addresses of every relative who ever emigrated from the old country…with the understanding that you’ll be inviting them all. Mom will secretly invite the whole of her bridge club and will wait to tell you this until the last possible moment, i.e. after Suzy, Cyndi, Martha, Billy-Jean, and Samantha have already bought the perfect frocks for the occasion. Soon you will find yourself locked in a dangerous game in which inviting so-and-so means you can’t avoid giving such-and-such a courtesy invitation. Before you know it, you’re looking at a 100+ large guest list.

And speaking of guests, the fine art of the RSVP has gone right out the window, much to Miss Manners’ dismay. Even in a day and age where invitees are required to do little more than write their names on a postage-paid postcard and drop it in the mail, one third of the family, friends, acquaintances, and bridge club members invited to your wedding will remain mum on the ever-so-important issue of whether or not they plan to attend. You will be left using complex equations that a math major would be proud of to figure out how many white folding chairs you need to place on reserve, just to be safe.

Finally, everything will be peachy — until the last possible second, that is. A week before the wedding, your photographer will call to let you know he’s going to be in the hospital on your wedding day. Oh well, at least he’s got someone else all lined up for you, right? The tent and table outlet will lose your order because the dimwit you first talked to didn’t believe you when you told him that your last name is spelled with two t’s instead of just one. You will find out that your dress may not be pressed in time…and that French taffeta (a.k.a. polyester) doesn’t respond well to ironing. After countless dance lessons, your fiancé will forget how to do “the pretzel.” And, as you endeavor to cope with all of this without losing your cool because, as everyone knows, stress causes wrinkles, every well-intentioned busybody in your life will be trying to convince you that your wedding day will be beautiful.

…because it will be. The truth of the matter is that the top five things that will check your bliss as you plan what will likely amount to the biggest shindig you will ever throw will cease to matter when the organist/band/CD/Uncle Joe’s ukulele/string quartet starts playing the music that will usher you down that aisle.

(for Problogger’s Top 5 – Group Writing Project)

8 Responses to “The Top 5 Things That Will Check Your Pre-Wedding Bliss”

  1. the unfashionista says:

    Good luck on your wedding – it seems to be coming up very soon!
    (And check out Monday’s episode of How I Met Your Mother for more disasters on the wedding day – such as the flowers appearing halfway through the ceremony.)

  2. JaneC says:

    Wow. This makes me glad we’re doing almost everything ourselves. Dress will be ready months ahead, we’ve solved the invitation problem by basically inviting everyone, dancing will be simple, we’ve rented the church hall for the reception so the tables and chairs are already there, and my mother is making the cake and doing the flowers.

    As I see it, the worst that could happen to us would be that the band doesn’t arrive for the reception (in which case we’ll put on some CDs), the caterer doesn’t come (in which case we’ll order pizza), or the photographer doesn’t show (relatives have cameras too). Doing it all yourself may seem like a hassle, but to me it’s worth the knowledge that it will all get done.

  3. Never teh Bride says:

    the unfashionista: Thanks! It is indeed coming soon 🙂 And thanks for the tip!

    JaneC: Luckily, this post was not made up of things that actually happened to me. Well, a few did…but I did so much myself for the very same reason. Putting my faith in others when something so important is on the line? No thank you.

  4. Twistie says:

    Add me to the list of control freaks who do it all themselves! Some may laugh or gawk, but it allowed me to be calm and completely zen at my wedding.

    Okay, the gown still didn’t get delivered until the rehearsal dinner, but I knew it would arrive, and I knew that if disaster struck, the wedding was just late enough in the day that I could go out and buy a white dress off the rack if worst came to absolute worst. More likely, my bridesmaids would have had to help me with a discreet safety pin or two…and as it turned out, even that wasn’t necessary.

    If I’d been dealing with a bridal salon, I might not have been so sanguine, but the gown was in the hands of one of my bridesmaids and dearest friends. I knew she wouldn’t let me down. And she didn’t.

    The best piece of advice I think I could give any bride is to recognize that on the big day something is going to go wrong. It may be something small, it may be something large, but something WILL go wrong. So whatever the problem, be prepared to laugh at it. A good sense of humor will pull you through in ways crying or screaming can never accomplish.

  5. ChapstickAddict says:

    I hear ya on the small wedding thing. I had hoped to get by just inviting family members like aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandparents. That was already 70 people, which I felt was more than enough. Then my parents informed me that I’d also be inviting all my grandparents’ sisters & brothers as well as random people like my dead grandparent’s next door neighbor who I haven’t seen in over 6 years. Our guest list has swelled to 160 people. We figured about 130 would attend and, with less than a week before the RSVPs are due, 45 of them have responded. Among the missing responses are a bridesmaid, both groomsmen, and the groom’s grandparents.

  6. Lacey says:

    God, I so agree with the small wedding quickly becoming huge, because Everyone just wants to invite more people. So much money!

    Creative Ways to Save for a Wedding

  7. Rhonda says:

    Hi Never teh Bride! Great list! Glad to see you are also a problogger fan!

  8. Ya Lacey, i agree with you. It will be more beneficial and comfortable if we choose the simple wedding way. It will save our time, currency and energy.