If there’s one thing the average bride doesn’t lack, it’s advice. Books, websites, computer programs, parents, soon-to-be-in-laws, friends, neighbors, co-workers; sometimes it seems as though everyone in the world knows precisely how your big day should go and no two agree.
Have a huge bash! Run away and elope! You have to have your sister as a bridesmaid even if you haven’t spoken voluntarily in three years! Don’t even consider asking family to be in the wedding party because sibling rivalry will get out of hand! You have to get married in church no matter what you personally believe! Getting married in a church is old-fashioned and yours isn’t pretty enough! If you don’t have your two-year-old nephew as ring bearer, he’ll be traumatized! If you ask that poor child to be ring bearer he’ll be traumatized! Even if your wedding is very informal you must serve a three-course meal! I’ve got a cousin who can give you a deal on catering, and hey, who doesn’t love Sloppy Joes at a formal wedding reception?
Sometimes it’s enough to make your head spin a la The Exorcist.
How to deal with all the musts and absolutes and must nots and other assorted offers of advice? I thought you’d never ask.
1: Patience. You’ve had fifty people weigh in on the question of fish vs chicken today, but the person you’re talking to at this moment probably doesn’t know that. Resist the urge to strangle.
2: Politeness. Don’t inform your Uncle Murray that he’s crazed if he thinks you’re going to allow him to sing Oh Promise Me when he’s got a voice like an adenoidal foghorn. Thank him for his generous offer with a big smile and assure him you’d prefer that he not have to work at the wedding. After all, he’s a guest.
3: Open ears. I know it gets to be a hassle and there are lots of very confused people out there, but every once in a while someone unexpected starts making sense in a big way. The girl two cubicles over may not know a paperclip from the petty cash box, but she may actually know something that will solve a genuine dilemma you’re facing. Don’t automatically tune anyone out.
4: A sense of humor. Sometimes someone says something so ghastly that your only choices are to cry, scream, or laugh. When in doubt, choose laughter.
5: Breaks. Sometimes you just have to announce that the wedding is a subject that is off-limits for a day. This allows you to relax and prepare to greet the next wave of unsolicited advice with equanimity.
6: Vagueness. Sometimes warring advisors gang up on you. When this happens, grit your teeth, make it look as much like a smile as possible, and tell everyone that you’ll be considering your options carefully…then change the subject to something non-controversial, like Iraq or public breastfeeding.
7: Consult an actual expert. Some of the etiquette advice out there is staggeringly wrong…as is a lot of legal advice, financial advice, and advice about the spiritual beliefs of a wide variety of religions. If you want to know the real score, go to someone who actually knows about it. Read your Miss Manners for advice on how to address your invitations, call City Hall to get the word on what identification you’ll need to get a marriage license, discuss the order of service with your clergyperson rather than your plumber.
8: Firmness. Once a decision has been reached, politely deflect all attempts to sway you. Smile and keep repeating, ‘oh, we’ve decided what to do about that, thanks.’
Oh, and it might not hurt to have some really effective stress-reduction method you turn to when you just can’t take it anymore.
But that’s just my advice. Do what works best for you.
So what’s the best, worst, or most bizarre piece of advice you’ve gotten in planning your wedding?
I have to say, I don’t know who all these people are who supposedly give advice left and right. I’ve had two people who recommended a photographer (which was actually extremely helpful), and some of my pals who are professional musicians offered their services (gratefully accepted).
The only odd thing was my future MIL offering me her garter; apparently there is a venerable old aunt who made garters for all the family brides, but her arthritis no longer allows her to do the sewing and she was very disappointed that she wouldn’t be able to make one for me…but garters are underwear, and wearing someone else’s strikes me as a bit odd. I smiled and said “Sure, that’d be great,” but since I have no intention of doing a garter toss, future MIL will never know if I don’t wear it. And if she asks, well, my dress doesn’t have a very full skirt or petticoat, and I’m sure a garter would show under it, so….
Other than that, even though the year-long wedding planning is nearly at an end (ten weeks from…right now!), no one has offered any unsolicited advice, only asked how things were going.
You’re very lucky, JaneC! I was pretty lucky, too, in that most of the unsolicited opinions related more to my choice of engagement ring (a silver frog??? where’s the diamond??) than anything else…though I did get a long lecture from a lady who knew perfectly well that I’m an atheist and my beloved is agnostic about how if we didn’t get married in a church our marriage was doomed to failure. Fourteen years later, I’m still waiting for that disaster to strike.
On the other hand, my sister-in-law got so many opinions and demands from others that my mother and I had to regularly sit her down and remind her whose wedding it was in the first place, and really, it’s okay to use silk flowers when you’re allergic to the real thing.
And when my Matron of Honor was getting married, she got all sorts of insane advice from the groom’s family and one bridesmaid. She nearly tore her hair out.
Over the years I’ve known at least half a dozen brides who nearly threw in the wedding planning towel over well-meaning advice.
So count your blessings, Jane! I know I do.
Do what Peter & Harriet did. Let someone else make all the arrangements they like whilst making alternative plans of your own.
You’re devious, Fenny. I like it.
My husband really helped me in presenting a united front. If someone was pressuring me to do something, or not do something else, if I got worn down he would do the “man” thing. “This is what we’re doing” and leave it at that. It was so helpful to have his support in deflecting unwanted advice. But I also got a lot of good advice as well. It’s really a matter of being open to suggestions, but not compromising on what’s important to you.
This wasn’t my wedding, but one of my friend’s weddings. She was so tired of people giving her ideas that she hated (but from people she had to be polite to), that I started coming up with them because I wouldn’t be offended if she laughed in my face. Somewhere between the haybale-seating (in a chapel, mind you) and teal-and-rust (or was that pastel purple and pink?) color suggestions – diametrically opposed to her style, her face went from frozen-horrified, to laughing so hysterically that I finally stopped because she needed to breathe.
Personally, my wedding was so ‘out there’ that people were more asking my questions on “so what are you going to do about this?” than anything else. Apparently, several people had asked my mom (looking for backup?) “Why is she doing it that way?” — because she told me her standard answer was “Because it’s fun.”
The one that stick in my mind the most was from a rather old lady I didn’t know and have not seen since. She stared me down very intently and said “Don’t have children for three years” There was something really odd about how insistant she was especially considering she was just some random lady in a store that didn’t know me from Adam. It turned out to be really good advise.
We didn’t get too much bad advice, just a lot of stuff I just *had* to do: Carry white calla lillies, get bridal portraits done, print an engagement announcement in the paper, toss a bouquet…. Not that there is anything wrong with any of that, just not my style. So, I learned to just smile and nod. And not share any details with anyone I knew would be meddling!
Yep. Nod and smile. I didn’t exactly tune anyone out since I figured I’ve never gotten married before so they must know better than I did. But because I was already 30 when I got wed, I was confident in what I and my groom wanted. So though I got these:
“How horrible–pink and brown for the motif?”
“Why aren’t you wearing a garter?”
“Why is your gown not a ball gown?”
“Why don’t you let all our relatives sing?”
“Why are you wearing heels, and pink heels, too?”
and a lot more, I didn’t really mind (well, there were times I almost screamed back at them…), I figured they were just showing their concern.
I was another fortunate one – while I’m sure we got some odd advice, I really don’t remember any. Probably due to the triple factor of (a) shock that I was actually getting married, (b) being the last in my generation of family and close friends to get married so most advice givers were burned out, and (c) doing everything a little oddly anyway. I think the most we got was DH’s grandmother saying we “must” have a formal, sit-down rehersal and reception. We told her we’d be having bbq instead for the rehersal. Oh, and it would be in my informal church. Which was decorated for it’s space VBS. She was welcomed to wear either blue jeans or a space suit. I don’t know if we just shocked her so bad that she stopped trying or if she got it out of her system with the one “you must” (and really, she’s a wonderful woman so it was probably the later) but things seemed to stop after that. I’m just thankful we got away so lightly – my older cousin (who’s almost a sister, we’re that close) wound up with a wedding constructed entirely of “you musts” from her mother and mil. It was horrible. Lesson learned – smile, nod, and do your own thing!