Whom To Choose?
By TwistieOnce an engagement is announced and a date set, the burning question of bridal attendants must be decided. This is often a bone of contention in wedding planning. How many should you pick? Who should be Maid of Honor? Is your three year old cousin really too young to be a flower girl? What about your slightly awkward twelve-year-old niece whom you adore? Is there a role for her? Do you really have to have your snotty sister in the wedding party? Can you put your foot down and tell your intended that his friend who still thinks fake dog poo is hilarious cannot be Best Man?
Let’s start with how many and then move on to whom.
The general feeling is that there ought to be a Maid/Matron of Honor and a Best Man. Even this is actually optional, but since the people who fulfill these roles usually sign the marriage license as witnesses, they’re almost always chosen. They should be the people you and your intended are closest to and should be reasonably responsible people. Choose someone you can rely upon for help in practical matters and support in emotional ones.
From there we move to bridesmaids, groomsmen, and ushers. The rule of thumb for ushers is given as one per every fifty guests, but that’s just a rough estimate. Also, ushers and groomsmen are often the same people. In this case, they seat the guests, then join the groom at the altar. If they are two separate groups of people, then the ushers simply find their own seats after they’ve seated everyone else. Bridesmaids and groomsmen may be helpful over the course of the engagement, but their primary function is decorative and emotionally supportive rather than particularly practical. Choose people you love and wish to have near you, certainly, and don’t pick them purely for looks, but if one of them is a little on the flaky side or lives several hundred miles away from you, it’s not that big a deal. If you’re having fifty guests, it’s probably best not to choose twelve attendants per side. If you’re inviting three hundred people, it looks better to have a larger party. Again, all of these roles are common and expected, but completely optional.
Then come the tricky ones: children. They may be flower girls, ring bearers, pages, or junior bridesmaids/groomsmen. If the children you love are very small, it’s probably kinder to them, their parents, and your guests to leave them out of the party, particularly if the ceremony is going to be longer than about twenty minutes. The best flower girls and ring bearers, in my experience, are between the ages of about five and seven. They’re old enough to understand what’s going on and take direction, but small enough to make most of your guests go ‘awww’ at their arrival. Pages are rarely done anymore, but they are usually small boys who carry the bride’s train. If you choose to have pages, make sure they know to be gentle with the train and have long attention spans. Junior attendants are most often between the ages of twelve and sixteen, but may be a little younger, too. They’re bridesmaids and groomsmen, only a bit smaller and more prone to acne.
As to how to pick these people, let your heart guide you above all. If you’re only going to have one attendant and you’re honestly closer to your best friend than your sister, choose the friend. If that will be a scandal, then go ahead and have two attendants…assuming you are also close to your sister.
Ignore gender. If the person you are closest to is of the opposite sex, choose that person anyway. One bride of my acquaintance chose her brother as her only attendant. Her two sisters weren’t even in the wedding party. No, they weren’t hurt. No, nobody raised a fuss. In fact, many of us would have been more surprised if she had gone a more traditional way. Another couple I know had only one argument about wedding planning: which one got to use my brother as honor attendant. They finally compromised and shared him as their only attendant. Again, the bride had a brother and the groom had both a brother and a sister, but they chose the person they both felt closest to. Again, it was no big deal.
Yes, in some families and social circles it will raise eyebrows, but the point of wedding attendants is that these are the people who will love and support you no matter what. Sometimes that isn’t the same as the people everyone expects will love and support you no matter what.
What if he has a sister? Do you have to ask her to be a bridesmaid?
While it’s always a graceful gesture to invite your intended’s siblings to be in the wedding party, it’s not actually required. If you know and love his sister, then ask her. If you don’t know her well and think this will bring you closer, then go right ahead. If you find her repellant, then don’t. After all, if the groom wishes her to be in the wedding party, he always has the option to ask her to stand up for him.
What if I don’t like his Best Man? Can I tell him no?
Sure. As long as you’re willing to take the risk that he’ll inform you that your cousin who insulted him at a party six years ago isn’t allowed to be Maid of Honor. Tread carefully in this regard. Save any objections for truly violently objectionable cases, and then be prepared to face the consequences. Chances are you’re going to be socializing with his friends for a very long time, as he will with yours. Don’t raise a fuss unless you’re ready to deal with ugly fallout over a long period of time.
But what if one of you has only one person close enough to have as an attendant, while the other has five? What to do then? How do you even it out?
Don’t bother. Again, you’re choosing the people who will support you and your marriage, not casting a Broadway chorus line. Everybody doesn’t have to have a partner.
Besides, it seems to have worked out just fine (at least through the photographs!) for this couple:
October 6th, 2007 at 8:14 pm
Totally with you on the gender thing. I’ve been “Best Man” on a couple of occasions, one time to the guy who was the “bridesmaid” at the other event where I was BM.
When Bro got married, SiL had her small nephews & niece as her attendants and they asked me to do one of the readings. I was far happier with this arrangement, as it meant I didn’t have to wear any meringue-like concoctions.
Groomsmen don’t seem to figure much over here. It’s generally the females that come in packs, while the blokes just pick the one wingman. And we don’t go a bundle on flower-girls and ring bearers either - unless there’s been a sudden change in fashion while I wasn’t looking (which wouldn’t surprise me, as the weddings I attend are usually less “fashionable” and more individual).
October 6th, 2007 at 9:16 pm
*THANK* you for telling people to ignore gender! While noone really expected my wedding to be truly traditional (after “you may kiss the bride” and the dip, the minister announced “you may now kiss the groom” and I dipped my husband back), there were still quite a few raised eyebrows over my having both a Matron of Honor and a Bachelor of Honor. Not to mention quite a few whispers of “Wait, does that mean he’s…you know?”
While I love my female friends to pieces, my Bachelor of Honor has an incredible talent for humor and timing. Once I had the dress on, there was noone else I would have trusted to keep me calm.
And, for brides who think it might look strange to not have any women up front: if your dress is white (or a pale color) and the tuxes are a dark color, it actually looks quite striking and puts all the attention on you. I had the groomsmens’ bowties and corsages match my flowers to tie it all together, and it looked fantastic!
As a side note, it also meant that when my makeup girl was taking *way* too long, I could send him up to reassure my husband I was still there, and he blended with the groomsmen/ushers, so there wouldn’t be whispers as to why a half-dressed bridesmaid kept wandering through the sanctuary and into the groomsmens’ dressing room. (I had taken a bit of convincing that this whole marriage thing was necessary, and due to a series of bumps, ended up doing all the work and decision-making, and the stress had definitely gotten to me. I’d asked to just elope more than once.)
October 7th, 2007 at 2:12 am
Fenny, I would never, ever put you in a meringue dress. Just…no. Frankly, I find it difficult to picture. Not that meringues are much my style, either!
asiji, I love the fact that you’ve given a supremely practical reason for choosing a man in the bride’s side of the wedding party. As you say, he can pass messages to the groom without suddenly having a half-dressed woman burst in on half a dozen half-dressed men.
And considering the number of women who have both a Maid and Matron of Honor, I see no reason to be confused at someone having a Maid and a Bachelor of Honor.
October 7th, 2007 at 10:36 am
The stress of it all! The politics! More reasons that I would probably choose to elope. OK, that would break my mother’s heart, but if I could get away with it, I would.
October 7th, 2007 at 12:32 pm
this is the biggest stressor for me. i have no idea who to pick. well, that’s not true - i know who i want for my maid of honor, but everybody else… the FI is insisting that we have the same number on each side and that they be gender-appropriate, so i will probably pick one more friend my age then two younger girls (16 and 18) who i’ve watched grow up and love like sisters.
i’m one of the last of one group of friends to get married and one of the first of the other group, so people are either burned out or have no idea what goes into the process. i wish we didn’t have to have a wedding party at all, at this point!
October 7th, 2007 at 1:03 pm
I’m so sorry you are having to deal with the politics of it, class-factotum.
Alas, all too often everyone around you thinks they have a big say in your wedding. Just keep in mind my family mantra: who’s milking this frog? IOW, who’s in charge here? And the answer is you and your intended are. Thank others for their suggestions, but don’t feel bound by them. In the longrun, planning a wedding is as stressful as you allow it to be. Find ways to shake off the frustrations and you’ll make it through with your sanity intact.
amy, I’m sorry your fiance is looking at this so rigidly. Alas, when it’s your intended, it’s a lot harder to buck the tide. Just keep breathing and it’ll all work out fine.
Hmmm…maybe I should do a couple articles on how to be a good bridesmaid/groomsman and you can have them read up on the subject in a (mostly) painless way. In the meantime, chin up! NtB and I will do our best to smooth your way.
October 7th, 2007 at 2:04 pm
I feel for everyone who has issues when choosing attendants, as I had my own issues to contend with. Just remember that there really is no right or wrong way to structure your wedding party, no matter what anyone tells you. It’s tougher when your intended has firm notions of what a wedding should look like.
October 7th, 2007 at 2:52 pm
I am having one bridesmaid, and two “bridesmen.” Aside from my confused father asking if they would be wearing dresses like the ladies, no one was surprised. After all, they are my two oldest and dearest friends and my day would not be complete without them. I even sent them the same “Will you be my bridesmaid?” cards, with a note inside reading, “I promise you dress will be even more beautiful than the one on this card.” They loved it.
I have, however, wrestled with the issue of a second bridesmaid. While we are close, I was not a bridesmaid at her wedding (she had only her sisters.) Her husband will be a groomsmen for my fiance, and I am at a loss as to whether it would be more awkward to ask her, or not to ask her. Oy.
October 7th, 2007 at 6:32 pm
Thank you, Twistie. I guess I should have clarified that I am not planning a wedding but speaking in hypothetical terms! I am an old maid of almost 44 who might get married someday if my boyfriend ever pops the question.
Still, I would be very happy to go to the JP rather than planning a big wedding. We would have to get an annulment before we could be married in the church and that takes a long time — not that we wouldn’t try; we would just get married first and then worry about the annulment, hoping that I don’t get some terminal disease and die before the annulment is granted and I could get extreme unction.
Even if an annulment weren’t the issue, I think I am a little old for a big to-do. I’d rather just throw a big party for my friends afterwards and make them take home the extra sets of silverware and towels from the merging of two complete households.
If we went to a JP, my mother, who has been hoping for years that one of her three offspring would just get married already and give her some grandchildren, darnit, would be very, very hurt.