Comments on: A rose by any other name

By: Fenny

Fenny — Sat, 08 Dec 2007 11:53:24 +0000

Ive thought about the whole name thing for years. My surname is extremely unusual in this country (UK) and nobody can spell it correctly, even when you spell out the 5 letters to them. There are only our branch and my uncle’s side left. My brother has 2 daughters, my cousins (1 male, 1 female) each have one son, so of the next generation, only one will carry the name on under traditional circumstances. Here it is much less common for women to keep their own name or hyphenate.

My parents are separated and I sometimes wonder, from conversations I have had with Ma, whether she would be miffed if I wanted to keep Pa’s surname if I got married. Her maiden name is fairly common and easy to spell, but I wouldn’t choose to use that instead, because it has never been *my* name.

I have no problem in taking my husband’s name, but the genealogist in me would love to pass my name on to the next generation.

By: Audrey

Audrey — Wed, 05 Dec 2007 20:41:35 +0000

It never crossed my mind to keep my last name. I have no hatred for my maiden name, but all my life I imagined being Mrs. -something-. What girl doesn’t secretly practice her name with her boyfriend or crush’s last name just to test it out? My husband, on the other hand, comes from a family where the wife keeps her last name and the kids get hyphens. Since his mother is remarried he has half the same last name as his siblings. We actually argued about me changing my name because he felt like he was imposing his male dominance on me. I had to point out that telling me I couldn’t take his name was actually imposing on me more than letting me do what I wanted. Since his name is hyphened, so is mine, which causes for confusion for a lot of people.

The funny thing is that his parents said they had never thought about what their kids would do for their own children..would they have to have a hyphenated hyphen? (this seriously crossed my husband’s mind, but there was no way I was going to become Mrs. B____-P___-W__________ or make my kids go through that. The in-laws’ solution to this was to offer to pay for him to change his name if and when he got married.

By: Dianasaur

Dianasaur — Wed, 05 Dec 2007 19:33:40 +0000

I definitely think this should be up to the individual. I never even thought twice about changing my name. I knew it’s important to my husband who’s very traditional. I tend to only like tradition when it suits my purposes, and although I’m extremely independent, I had no reason not to change my name. It’s also made a lot of things easier. When we were engaged and went on some group trips, only the married couples got seats together and we were separated on a very full plane. It’s also easier in different countries in Africa, they would not understand why I wouldn’t have his name. Plus, I just like it. I can make jokes about being a DJ, and every time I sign or say my last name I smile and think of my wonderful husband.

By: jinnan-tonnyx

jinnan-tonnyx — Wed, 05 Dec 2007 18:42:37 +0000

Re: K

Sometimes there is no way to combine the names & come up with anything remotely pronounceable. For couples in my situation, I’m sure we’d prefer not to be judged on our depth & spirituality for the fact that we decided to pick an entirely new name for ourselves. For us it comes down to equality, not “being different”. Moreover, it’s really none of anyone’s business why we chose the name we did.

By: cari

cari — Wed, 05 Dec 2007 18:35:53 +0000

I’m in the same situation as Abby–unusual, difficult-to-pronounce last name–and it’s had the opposite effect on me. I will never change my name because I’ve fought too many battles for it. Besides, it’s an excellent barometer of who’s an idiot and who isn’t. If I pronounce it for you once and you keep saying it wrong, or if I spell it for you and you still write it down wrong, you’re not worth my time.

By: Jennie

Jennie — Wed, 05 Dec 2007 01:26:21 +0000

Twenty five years ago I hyphenated my name. My full signature became a nightmare (try signing all of your full name on a house closing! Jennie Middle Name Hypenated-Last Name), I have more AKA’s than a mobster, and the IRS, driver’s liscense, and most credit cards never did get it right. Since my divorce 4 years ago, I have been trying to get back to my maiden name. 4 trips to SSN agency, driver’s liscense agency, and repeated calls, actual closing of accounts because they wouldn’t cooperate and I now only have one that I cannot get to change…. Unless you feel strongly that it will adversely affect your children, keep the name you are use to. Or adopt the Spanish custom of giving the children the last name of the mother….

By: Molly

Molly — Tue, 04 Dec 2007 22:50:53 +0000

I totally dropped my maiden name when I got married, despite going to a very common last name and despite having strong feelings about identity. I did it because my husband was very sensitive about our disparate backgrounds and in some way, taking his name reassured him that I needed him as much as he needed me. I joked about having him take my name and he said something sour about it to the effect that my values and my family defined so much of our relationship that his name was all he had left. (That was pretty true at the time.) I don’t understand why it was so important to him, but given how much I defined about our early marriage I was willing to compromise on a point that mattered less to me than him. I haven’t ever regretted it.

My own family still addresses me by the wrong name and initials *five years* later. I still have girlfriends look at me like I have two heads for dropping my maiden name. I’ve definitely felt pressure for “selling out.” I think it’s a shame that such a personal decision between two people has so many people sticking their oars in… but then again we haven’t had children yet!

By: Carol

Carol — Tue, 04 Dec 2007 22:48:03 +0000

After divorcing my first husband, I kept his name because it was easier to spell than my maiden name, the kids had his last name and I was already known professionally with that name. My recent marriage did NOT bring a name change - Mr. Carol is just fine with that. It makes sense because his mother’s name is exactly the same as what mine would be if I changed it. We are having some troubles, however. The church sends me mail under my maiden name, my married name and a hyphenated blend. When introduced, sometimes they use his last name, sometimes they use mine. We decided to fight it only if it became a legal or postal issue. So far, so good!

By: Abby

Abby — Tue, 04 Dec 2007 18:22:37 +0000

I have a name that is often misspelled or mispronounced, and when I got engaged I figured, “Great, I can change my name and everyone will get the new one right.” But it’s months later and I haven’t done it yet…it’s turning out to be tougher than I thought to let go of that annoying name I’ve had for so long!

By: K

Tue, 04 Dec 2007 18:06:21 +0000

The only thing that bugged me in the article was the couple who chose an entirely new name. I expected that they’d come up with a combination of their own last names, but — nope! — brand-new, completely unrelated last name. I just think it’s a little superficial to pick a name out of the blue that holds no meaning whatsoever for you. It’s not a family name, an honored friend’s name, the name of a person you admire — it’s just a random name because you felt like being different. Yes, I suppose it’s special to them because it’s the name they’ll start their new lives with, but…the whole thing seems very hollow and spiritually empty to me.

But that’s just me and my old-fashioned ways, I guess.