Grill ‘em before you wed ‘em
By Never teh Bride
Susan Piver, author of The Hard Questions: 100 Essential Questions to Ask Before You Say “I Do” (a reeeeaaaaally great book), write up an abbreviated list of questions that engaged couples ought to discuss before tying the knot. Some highlights:
Question 2: Who is responsible for keeping our house and yard cared for and organized? Are we different in our needs for cleanliness and organization?
Question 3: How much money do we earn together? Now? In one year? In five years? Ten? Who is responsible for which portion? Now? In one year? Five? Ten?
Question 6: How much time will each of us spend at work, and during what hours? Do we begin work early? Will we prefer to work into the evening?
Question 7: If one of us doesn’t want to work, under what circumstances, if any, would that be okay?
Question 8: How ambitious are you? Are we comfortable with the other’s level of ambition?
Before I got hitched, I made sure to ask The Beard whether he wanted kids and how many he might like to have because I’ve known too many couples for whom the possibility of children became a point of contention. Luckily, we were on the same page. What questions did you absolutely need to ask before agreeing to to commit to your partner?
December 20th, 2007 at 12:35 pm
In the relationship I had right before meeting my husband, I was totally in denial about some major differences between me and Mr. Not-Right, and I stayed in the relationship far longer than I should have. So when I actually met The Right One, I announced on our second date, “I don’t want kids and my job keeps me in New York, so if either of those things is a problem for you, let’s not start.” Fortunately for me, he was impressed rather than appalled by my forcefulness :).
December 20th, 2007 at 12:52 pm
Way to go, Abby! Sometimes it pays to say what you need to say.
December 20th, 2007 at 1:16 pm
For me, it was the issue of religion. My dad didn’t go to church with my mom and I when I was a kid, and I didn’t ever want to deal with my kids asking the questions that I asked as a child. My religion is a huge part of my life, so after high school I just didn’t date guys who weren’t on the same page as I was. Result? I’ve married the church organist. He’ll definitely be there every Sunday! (Thankfully he also cooks, does laundry, and is willing to move if I get a job somewhere else, since my profession is more limited in terms of location than his.)
December 20th, 2007 at 6:51 pm
I think there are several things every couple should discuss in depth before marrying:
1: Money (how you get it, how you spend it, how/whether you will merge it, who decides in a deadlock, what assets will be kept separate, etc.). Money sqabbles are one of the leading reasons people decide in the end to file for divorce rather than try to work things out. Don’t let that happen to you.
2: Children. If one of you says no to having kids and the other says heck yeah, then you’re automatically in trouble. Never assume the other will change his/her mind. If you both say yes, you still need to talk about parenting choices, finances, whether to send the little one(s) to public or private school, when to start trying to have a baby, and so on. If you both say no, the question of a permanent form of birth control arises.
3: Religion. Do you believe? What do you believe? How similar do you need your spouse’s beliefs to be to yours? What role will religion play in your lives? If one of you is still searching for answers, will the other still be there at the end of the journey if (s)he doesn’t find the same answers you did? If you have different religious beliefs and plan to have children, what faith will you raise them in? How will you answer their questions when they start asking why you don’t go to the same house of worship? Is one of you willing to convert?
4: Extra-curricular activities and personal quirks. Don’t laugh. I know a marriage that has suffered greatly because he can’t understand and won’t respect that she loves to read, and so needs books in her life. As for me, I told Mr. Twistie right upfront that if he loved me, he was going to have cats in his life. He told me if I loved him, I had to be able to deal with his rock band and home studio. Luckily, I love music, he’s fond of cats, and the last cat that adopted me thinks all music is great…except accordians which terrify him. All three of us are delighted with the arrangement, but it wouldn’t suit everyone.
December 20th, 2007 at 7:47 pm
For me, “Do you snore?” and “Are you willing to take steps to prevent your snoring?” are very much top of the list, followed by “If not, do you mind if I am *very* grumpy all the time due to lack of sleep?”.
Work, kids, chores are all secondary to me getting enough decent kip so that I don’t turn into a homicidal maniac.
December 20th, 2007 at 8:01 pm
Mr. Twistie has a home studio? The Beard is working on his!
December 20th, 2007 at 8:56 pm
Yep, NtB. Mr. Twistie is fully digitalized. It allows him to be his own producer and engineer, which works for us.
December 20th, 2007 at 11:19 pm
That’s so great. When my husband and I knew we were heading towards marriage we asked his mom to come up with some questions for us to think about. We really respect his parents’ marriage and how they raised their kids. It helped us to think about several things that might not even have come up in our pre-marital counseling.