An Open Letter to Wedding Gown Designers
By TwistieDear wedding gown designers,
Can we talk about something that’s been bothering me for years now? It’s a little thing called sleeves. Specifically, it’s about how nearly all of you refuse to design any.
Why are almost all wedding gowns strapless these days? Why are the few that aren’t strapless nearly all sleeveless? Unless a lady wants to buy her gown from a so-called ‘modest’ gown manufacturer designing specifically for brides marrying in religious traditions that have strict guidelines for appropriate clothing, it’s nearly impossible to find a sleeve on a wedding gown.
The truth is, though, that religion is not the only reason to cover an arm. Some of us don’t like to show off our upper arms because we dislike the way they look when exposed. With more women waiting longer to marry and more women (and men) carrying more excess weight for longer periods of time, the number of women who don’t want the world looking at their upper arms is only going to keep rising. And no, those tiny sheer cap straps you offer us as extra-cost additions aren’t helping one tiny bit. They don’t cover the area in question, and they cost extra. When we’re already paying several hundred to several thousand dollars for the priveledge of wearing your gowns, we don’t really want to spend yet more money in order to almost sort of cover our shoulders.
Some of us just plain don’t look good in strapless even if we have good, firm upper arms. I know I look rotten in strapless. I have great upper arms, but I have a long neck, sloping shoulders and a very small bust in proportion to the rest of my body. If I try to wear strapless, I look like there’s a country mile of nothing between my chin and my waistline. If, however, I have shoulder detail and a high neckline, I look freaking fantastic. I don’t see any reason why I wouldn’t want to look my absolute best on my wedding day, and I certainly don’t see why any woman should settle for not looking her absolute best, either. If you can manage sheaths and ballgowns, long and short, ruffled and sleek, I don’t see why you can’t offer strapless gowns and ones with sleeves as well.
On top of all this, to look good even on the right woman, a proper and aerodynamic strapless bra is necessary to the line of a strapless gown. So you’ve got boning in the bodice of the gown, boning in the bra, or possibly a full-blown corset underneath that gown. It’s difficult to find a bra or corset that is both effective and comfortable - particularly if the lady in question has a generous bosom. It’s not impossible to do, certainly, but it’s another layer of effort in an already emotion-fraught and detail-oriented undertaking that some of us just plain don’t feel like adding to the pile of things we have to do.
Some of us aren’t religious, but still feel that a wedding where a woman is pledging her life, her heart, and her devotion to one person for the rest of her life isn’t necessarily the place to wear almost nothing above the nipple line. Some weddings just aren’t formal enough to justify strapless. Even if I looked great and felt comfortable in strapless, I wouldn’t have worn it to my wedding because I just wouldn’t have felt comfortable exposing that much flesh in that particular situation. Religious? Hardly. I just feel there’s a time and a place and my wedding wasn’t it. Between the vows I was preparing to take and the picnic in the woods atmosphere, strapless wouldn’t have been my choice even if I loved wearing it and looked amazing in it.
Most of all, though, your refusal to make gowns with sleeves is stifling your creativity. You deny yourself any design elements above mid-breast. Why are you doing this to yourselves? I understand that having a single template seems easy, but in the longrun you’re denying yourself opportunities to truly flatter the most women, to indulge in flights of fancy that don’t fit that tiny mold, and to allow women to feel as though they are wearing their fantasies rather than something stamped out with a cookie cutter that is frustratingly not them.
I’m not trying to say that strapless should completely disappear. Far from it. There are women who look glorious and feel superfantastic in strapless. They should absolutely have their needs, fantasies, and desires served. All I’m trying to say is that strapless is neither flattering to every single freaking woman on the planet, nor what we will all feel comfortable wearing. Please, please, please take this into consideration and broaden your horizons just a bit…just to our upper chests and arms.
Thanks,
Twistie
January 19th, 2008 at 4:41 pm
YAY! for sleeves!!
And might I add, to those designing “temple-ready” gowns with sleeves, can you design more than one bodice/sleeve combo? Every single one is the same, with the same neckline (round or square) the same princess seams (lovely, but change it up a bit) and identical sleeves on every single dress.
January 19th, 2008 at 5:11 pm
Absolutely, Sarah! Cookie cutters are cookie cutters, and they don’t do anyone any favors. Women come in all shapes and sizes, women have widely varying tastes. Trying to dress us all the same precise way, whether strapless with an A-line skirt or princess seams and puffy cap sleeves just plain Doesn’t Work.
January 19th, 2008 at 5:18 pm
Amen. I *like* sleeves. I want sleeves. I don’t particularly like the LDS-approved neckline (square with short sleeves) but I dislike strapless more.
January 19th, 2008 at 5:44 pm
I always wonder what winter brides are supposed to do–put on a sweater? Manage a shawl in addition to veil and bouquet? Or a velvet cloak over the dress you picked, so nobody sees it? Some places are cool; and even some summer brides have weddings in over-air-conditioned buildings.
January 19th, 2008 at 7:34 pm
This is why I wore my mother’s gown from the 60’s. And also because it was free.
January 19th, 2008 at 8:19 pm
They make these utterly horrid “bridal jackets” that are supposed to keep winter strapless brides warm when they’re out of doors. Indoors I guess they’re screwed unless they want to rock a bolero…
January 19th, 2008 at 10:00 pm
Someone, somewhere told me it was cheaper to omit sleeves when making gowns….less fabric!
Yes, we need option of sleeves!
January 20th, 2008 at 1:37 am
[...] Twistie… Some of us aren’t religious, but still feel that a wedding where a woman is pledging her life, her heart, and her devotion to one person for the rest of her life isn’t necessarily the place to wear almost nothing above the nipple line. [...]
January 20th, 2008 at 10:05 am
Timely…very timely. Yesterday, I went out with The Younger Daughter to have her try on wedding dresses to get some ideas and yes, the sleeve situation is just not there. I asked the “helper” at the shop and told me that yes, indeed, they don’t stock ‘em because the girls won’t buy them because the magazines won’t show that style. So, people have to go get someone else to rig something in the way of a sleeve on the dress so that they feel comfortable. I don’t understand it at all - but the problem really does start with the magazines because that is where the brides-to-be start - get the magazines to start showing non-strapless gowns and especially if a celebrity bride rocks something with sleeves, and maybe we have a shot at seeing bridal fashion with sleeves again.
January 20th, 2008 at 11:45 am
Hear hear! I’ve always dreamed of a winter wedding, and now that I’m getting it, I have found myself looking at white knitted cardigans on sale.
I’m designing and making my own gown no matter how much that might break the rules, so there will be exactly the amount of bare skin that I think the older relatives can handle, but I really desperately need some ideas and most designers don’t provide well. Long gloves are the only nice option I’ve come across. And that won’t help if it gets -30°C like it sometimes does here in February..
I agree that there are more suitable occasions for showcasing your breasts than the wedding, and I’m not even the least bit religious. So hear us, wedding gown designers, and get back to the drawing board.
January 20th, 2008 at 11:47 am
Not to mention the way these brides today, with their strapless A-lines, all look like a bunch of debutantes. Strapless is “cute,” but not everyone wants cute. Perhaps that’s just my Louisiana sick-to-death-of-cotillion self talking but strapless is not always the most sophisticated look.
January 20th, 2008 at 12:27 pm
Sing it, sister. I’m currently gown shopping with one of my best friends and we’re tearing our hair out over this. She’s not necessarily looking for sleeves, but she does want at least some straps, and this eliminates about 75% of the dresses of any store we walk into. For us at least the strapless aversion is not so much an issue of figure-flattery, we’re just sick unto death of it. The lack of imagination is the thing that drives me craziest. ::yawn::
January 20th, 2008 at 5:28 pm
Yes! Please! More sleeves!
The sad thing is, I happen to look really good in strapless, A-line gowns. But they’ve become so prevalent that they’re almost cliche (like those big 80s mutton sleeves), and I’m determined to find something different.
January 20th, 2008 at 9:59 pm
Hey, don’t knock the bolero till you’ve tried it — although mine was still a little tight in the sleeves, it actually REALLY worked with the dress
However, the only other dress I tried on that had sleeves had tight, painfully itchy lace sleeves with a horrendous amount of beading. It also had godawful cutouts on the train and beading over the entire torso.
(This, of course, was the dress my mom and aunt wanted me to get. *shudder*)
January 21st, 2008 at 12:01 am
My husband is 6′5 and I am 5′7 so I was afraid that a gown with sleeves would make it really hard for me to dance with him, but me and my DDs just don’t do strapless. I tried on a couple of the corset-backed Maggie Sottero gowns and while they fit well and were surprisingly supportive to the *ahem* ladies up top, the strapless thing just wasn’t my cup of tea. I ended up wearing Casablanca 1831 ( http://tinyurl.com/qyuz8 )which was lovely, except the weird spaghetti strap back which I had altered to match the front.
It was really frustrating to only be able to find the temple ready look (I live in Utah) or strapless gowns and nothing really in between. There are a few high end designers (Justina McCaffery, Augusta Jones, Romona Keveza) who custom make all of their gowns so it is possible to have the designer put sleeves on the gown ( http://tinyurl.com/34voc9 ) but I know I sure didn’t have 5K laying around to spend on my wedding dress…and those “sleeve options” at places like David’s are total crap.
Ugh.
January 21st, 2008 at 9:03 am
I agree. I was over 40 at my wedding, and I didn’t want to look like I was trying to look 27. (Or like an 18 year old debutante.) I didn’t want to look too formal; I wanted something that would flatter my figure; and I wanted something that wouldn’t look dated in 15 years. I ended up with a cowl-neckline, sleeveless dress that suited my figure and late-morning garden wedding much better than a strapless gown.
Years from now, those strapless dresses will look just as dated as picture hats from the 70s or puffy sleeves from the 80s. If it was the right style for the woman’s figure and the style of the wedding, it won’t matter much, but a lot of women will be wondering what they were thinking.
January 21st, 2008 at 5:39 pm
When/if I get married, I`ll wear but a strapless A line gown. When I remember all the weddings of my friends during last few years, I wonder if the brides all wore the same dress, magically altered into different sizes. (I know they would like something more interesting, but when one wants anacceptable dress for reasonable sum of money, there`s not much choice.)
I`d sooner wear this: http://www.eternitygowns.com/assets/occasions/EB020.htm or this http://www.eternitygowns.com/assets/occasions/EB021.htm or this http://www.eternitygowns.com/assets/occasions/EB003.htm (this one would look better with sightly different neckline and on a different model), and not because I have problem with baring my shoulders. These gowns aren`t particularly inspired, but they are pretty, dignified and I guess they make the bride feel like she`s wearing clothes. And they are different from the army of strapless A-lines.
I`ll probably end up with something not wedding-gowny at all.
January 21st, 2008 at 11:00 pm
There you go! I would like to see some brave designer try to beat (or even dream of) Grace Kelly’s wedding gown. All covered up but never more beautiful. I don’t get why it has to be a choice between 2000 strapless white gowns. It doesn’t make sense! Hasn’t a single bride looked at them all and said that she wants something ELSE?
January 22nd, 2008 at 12:45 pm
My mother told me that when she got married (in the early 60’s), wearing a strapless bridal gown, no matter what the setting, would have been considered totally inappropriate, as it showed too much skin. Perhaps the trend towards strapless is reflective of the general oversexualization of our culture…
However, religious or modesty issues aside, I also have a long neck/sloping shoulders/small bust issues and generally don’t look good in a strapless gown. It was frustrating to have to go to so many salons and find that most of their stock was strapless.
January 22nd, 2008 at 5:36 pm
The cookie cutter look of wedding dresses, and hating the look of strapless has me actually contemplating making my own.
January 23rd, 2008 at 11:06 am
Ugh I hate strapless dresses! They flatter very few and I personally, think they are tack for a church wedding. I’m always afraid to say so in real life because inevitabely the peer I’m talking to wore/is wearing/wants to wear a strapless dress!
I don’t even need sleeves! I just want a V-neck or a potrait neckline. I’m going to have to consider having it made. There justisn’t anything out there.
I had never thought of the debutante thing but now that’s all I’ll be able to see.
January 23rd, 2008 at 6:59 pm
I think that strapless is easier to manufacture, when I ordered my dress, the shop owner used the size that fit my shoulder even though the waist had to be let out, she said dealing with a shoulder alteration would be much more difficult.
January 24th, 2008 at 1:15 am
I was just on the Jasmine website (www.jasminebridal.com) looking for bridesmaids dresses when I stumbled across a feature called “Temple Ready.” This is a feature that allows brides to customize some of the standard Jasmine designs (nearly all strapless, of course) to make gowns more appropriate for conservative religious ceremonies. You can add sleeves of varying lengths and also get a choice of necklines, all fairly modest. Though made for religious brides, perhaps more secular brides sick of the strapless parade will want to utlilize it!
January 24th, 2008 at 2:34 am
I, too, would like to voice my support on this subject. AMEN! I recently became engaged and began this very stressfull mission of finding an appropriate dress that I love, feel comfortable in and flatters me. I was shocked to find 99% of dresses are strapless. I happen to know that 99% of women DO NOT look good and/or feel confident in a strapless gown. However, many are forced into this because of no other beautiful options. I have large bustline & being in a strapless dress seems so inappropriate and uncomfortable. Also, why do designers insist on making the sizes at least two times smaller than street sizes? As if everything isn’t stressfull enough already, we have to feel like cows while trying to find our dream dress!! Wake up!
January 24th, 2008 at 11:56 am
Tacoma, most bridal salons order gowns to fit the largest measurement of the lady because there’s little extra fabric in the seam allowances. Yes, depending on the style, it can be more difficult to adjust the shoulders than the waist even if you’re letting out said waistline…though I fail to comprehend how that is in a gown that doesn’t have shoulders to begin with. But strapless is actually more difficult to produce because of the engineering involved. Most gowns, no matter how fitted, don’t require carefully placed boning to keep their shape, and that’s tricky to size and fit properly. In most dresses, if there’s lining it just has to fit the outline of the rest of the dress. In strapless, the lining must also fit each bone perfectly and be constructed carefully so the boning won’t pop through the delicate fabric.
Kate, your mother is absolutely right. I was growing up (and going to a LOT of weddings) in the late sixties onward. When I first started really taking a look at how weddings went together as a teenager, most churches would not allow brides to marry in strapless unless they had some sort of jacket, bolero, or other wrap to cover the shoulders. I don’t know when the rules on this changed, but when a friend of mine was getting married in a Catholic church in the early eighties, I know strapless was not only fairly rare in bridal salons, but at least seriously frowned upon if not actually forbidden by her church.
Livia, you are so very right. That gown was amazing. While it was very much in the forefront of fashion for its time, it’s also timelessly elegant. There’s a reason Grace Kelly was such a fashion icon.
Even twenty years ago, there was a lot more choice of style and line in bridal gowns. I could look through the magazines and see everything from strapless mini dresses to ballgowns to long-sleeved sheaths to things that looked scarily like white, lacy Power Suits. There is simply no real excuse for the endless rows of strapless A-line fill-in-the-blanks wedding gowns.
January 24th, 2008 at 2:40 pm
They omit sleeves because it’s easier to fit all bodies without them. Brides are fooled into thinking sleeveless is their choice.
I had my dress custom made and, in the end, it wasn’t any more expensive than an off the rack dress with alterations.
3/4 sleeves, draped neckline showing collarbones. That day I was the prettiest I have ever looked.
January 25th, 2008 at 3:21 pm
Ah… i totally agree. Im having the hardest time finding my wedding dress
January 27th, 2008 at 10:57 am
Inspiring! And oh, so true!! Not everyone is meant for strapless and sleeves can be just as elegant and wonderful. I wish sleeves would make a comeback and I hope some designer reads your post and starts a new trend!!!
January 31st, 2008 at 4:28 pm
My understanding was that strapless is easier to fit to more people. I have a long torso and wide shoulders, so trying to get a sleeved dress to fit me is a nightmare. For my wedding, I wore my mother’s wedding dress, which is an empire-waisted long-sleeved winter gown, and I had to completely remake the bodice in order to get it to fit; it couldn’t be “altered” to fit me.
That said, there’s plenty of women out there who can probably fit standard measurements and wear sleeved gowns, so I have no idea why they are nearly nonexistent.
January 31st, 2008 at 6:55 pm
I see Roz has entered what I would have. Essentially, it’s cheaper and easier for the gowns to be made sleeveless, so that’s what manufacturers are doing. I made my sister-in-law’s gown; she wanted something with sleeves, because she doesn’t like her arms, but she wanted a gown she could dance in and not die. In the end, I made a sleeveless bodice, which was covered in the church by a jacket overbodice with sleeves, to which the train was attached; the gown looked like one piece when the trained jacket was on, but it also looked like a complete gown when the jacket/train was taken off.
Johanna, I can’t do the tiny url thing, but here are three websites where you can get patterns for sets of sleeves. Yes, once upon a time, you could get patterns for sleeves ONLY, even as late as the 1950s. There are usually quite a number of choices for the period 1900-1919, for whatever reason. These are only a few, after a little searching; I recommend going to the different sites that carry vintage patterns, in your hunt.
http://www.bestvintagepatterns.com/catalog.php/andykathy/ct1845/Vintage_Patterns_1910http://trulyvictorian.com/catalog/90cat.html
http://www.agelesspatterns.com/sleeves.htm
In fact, don’t be afraid to pick ANY sleeve pattern that you happen to like, for your gown; it may require some adjustment, but that can be done. A white wedding dress is just a dress, after all; a non-white wedding dress, even more so, is … just a dress. Don’t be afraid to look at all sorts of different evening dresses, or even vintage nightgowns, for inspiration; an evening gown, in white may be just what you want. Don’t be afraid to take a street-length dress and just … lengthen it.
What I suggest is that you write down a list of all the elements that you would like your dress to have (if you have some idea of that already), and then start sketching. It may be easier than you think to have the wedding gown of your dreams.
A site with beautiful dresses, and a kick-start to finding links to vintage pattern
sites, is Erin’s Dress A Day: http://www.dressaday.com/dressaday.html. Go there and have an inspirational look around!
February 7th, 2008 at 2:01 pm
Yes, but other considerations can make strapless the only way to go. I for one, not wanting to look like a cookie-cutter bride, found that the most classic and unusual bridal piece was not the dress but an accessory- a sleek mantilla veil edged in about 2 inches of Alencon lace that draped around my shoulders. I wore it the whole night. Wearing that with a dress with any kind of sleeves- even spaghetti straps- just absolutely would not work and obscure the flowing lines of the veil, which was really pricey and the showpiece of the whole outfit. (I didn’t even wear a necklace or bracelet of any kind- just my rings and tiny pearl drop earrings.) So “strapless” doesn’t automatically mean an identical dress. I didn;t have a single sequin, bead or rhinestone on my dress either- I think that’s one of the rarer elements among wedding dresses today.
March 1st, 2008 at 3:31 pm
Thank you for posting this!! I am in complete agreement. I am in the process of searching for a wedding dress, and it is amazing how few non-strapless gowns there are out there. What happened to OPTIONS?!!
March 8th, 2008 at 7:53 am
I totally agree. I am looking for a classic wedding dress……with 3/4 or long sleeves. BECAUSE I THINK IT LOOKS SLEEK AND GLAMOROUS. A little bit off the shoulders and longer sleeves. How beautiful. I CAN’T FIND IT ANYWHERE…. DO I HAVE TO DESIGN IT MYSELF AND HAVE IT MADE.
You are right about ALL the dresses are strappless or almost. And YES they don’t look good on everybody. I have been to a few weddings that the bride (even young) do not look good in a stapless dress.
I have looked through many hundred of pictures and can’t find what I’m looking for. I thought it would be simple….but….all the dresses look the same from the boobs up. NOT MINE….I WILL FIND WHAT I AM LOOKING FOR, EVEN IF I HAVE TO DESIGN IT MYSELF……….
March 8th, 2008 at 10:10 pm
My niece just got married. She couldn’t find anything she loved (and she is a bit of an original) so she went on line and found a beautiful vintage dress for around $50.00 including shipping. It took a little bit of tailoring to get rid of the Muttons on the sleeves but it looked fabulous. Not only was it beautiful but it was enviromental friendly to repurpose something that was wasting away in a box. With “green” as the newest buzz word, it’s not a bad idea….