Contracts? You’ve got to be kidding me.
(It appears that entire posts and a good chunk of recent comments have vanished into thin air — for that I humbly apologize! Presumably this has something to do with the recent image uploading issues that are no doubt being fixed as I write this)
It’s a good thing my bridesmaids weren’t being judged by the wedding establishment — they would most certainly have been deemed unfit. Luckily, they were being judged by easygoing little ol’ me who didn’t care whether or not they lifted a finger to help. Unfortunately, those stationary fingers couldn’t even be arsed to, say, order gowns in a timely fashion, meaning that both of my attendants ended up wearing frocks I didn’t quite care for. C’est la vie!
Still, my duo of bridesmaids showed up wearing appropriate wedding wear and were generally pleasant before, during, and after my wedding. Thank goodness for small favors…I chose family over friends, you see, and that in and of itself can be a recipe for calamity.
According to a Telegraph article sent to me by the absolutely fab Nicole (and a Daily Mail piece), the newest “American style” trend being adopted by British brides is the bridesmaid contract. First things first: I’d love to send off a letter to journalist Aislinn Simpson to make sure she wasn’t simply duped into thinking a one-time, overblown spoof event is the nuptial norm here in the States.
Because, really, I’ve known plenty of brides and bridesmaids in my day, and I have never once encountered anyone who either seriously thought of presenting her maids with a contract or had to sign a contract before being accepted into the bridal party. And yet the article linked above states that:
Despite the fact that 61 per cent of brides picked a best friend as their choice of bridesmaid and 49 per cent chose their sister, 48 per cent would sack a bridesmaid who failed to stick to the rules.
The survey of 1,000 women, commissioned by You & Your Wedding magazine, asked women which clauses they would put in their contract.
It found that respondents’ biggest gripes were with bridesmaids who put on weight, became pregnant or changed their hairstyles before the big day.
Humph — I can just imagine the sheer horror the 48 percent would have felt when looking at my maids. One was not exactly what you’d call petite and the other had all manner of tattoos! By the time my wedding rolled around, I hadn’t seen either gal’s hair style in ages upon ages. For all I knew, they were both as bald as babies! All right, neither actually was bald, but they could have been bald, pierced, fat, emaciated, pregnant, disabled, punk, goth, or whatever.
It wouldn’t have mattered! One of the things I state very emphatically in iDo (look for it in June) is that the only sack-worthy offenses are the ones that are also sack-worthy in real life. For example, you can fire a bridesmaid if you discover that she’s just committed a crime, she’s an alcoholic or drug addict, or that she’s sleeping with your fiance…in which case you ought to fire him, too.
If said bridesmaid dyes her hair purple without asking your permission, has a surprise bun in the oven, or gets a little pudgy in the months leading up to your wedding, deal with it.
Anyone who “sacks” a bridesmaid for not looking exactly the same on the wedding day as they did when asked to participate would get “sacked” as a friend. WTF?
I’m glad you mentioned that joke contract–when I heard about this nonstory I thought, “The journalist found that joke on the internet and thinks it’s real, because the UK already assumes most of us are idiots anyway.”
If 61% picked their best friend, and 49% picked their sister, I’m going to look at that in a positive way that a a lot of women consider their sisters their best friends, and not that the author has shoddy math skills.
Also, Toni, we could assume that we’re talking about more than one bridesmaid, even though the article doesn’t use the plural.
When I sat down and watched a marathon of bridal reality programming early in my Manolosphere career, I actually saw one bridesmaid contract on an episode of Bridezillas, so somebody took the spoof seriously. OTOH, the woman in question was also seriously deranged and far from representative of the average American bride.
I’m with you, NtB. I had five bridesmaids, and while I got a lot of help from two local ones, I expected nothing of most of them beyond showing up, and the two who were helping out did so out of a desire to help rather than any huge demands I made on them. I gave them all patterns and fabric for their skirts and blouses, then told them to get creative in trimming the outfits. When they asked me what shoes to wear, I said anything flat they liked. I only told them heel height because of the wedding location. When they asked about hair, I said wear it however you please.
Result? After the wedding, I still had five good friends.
Most brides I’ve known (including the three I was a bridesmaid for) were also completely reasonable in their requests of their attendants: wear what you’re asked to, show up on time, act with a modicum of dignity at the altar. I’d even have been fine with being asked to wear my hair a certain way, so long as my hair could do it.
Let’s hope this UK ‘trend’ is being blown out of proportion as much as the US version has been.
I didn’t really expect a lot of help from my bridesmaids/Maid & Matron of Honor. They all were there for the big day which was the most important thing. That being said it would have been nice for any of them to show up to my bachelorette party (co-party thrown by a friend’s friends). I was pretty hurt that none of them came and none of them called to tell me they wouldn’t be there. There are a couple of other little things that would have been nice throughout the day (like checking to make sure I had all of my stuff before we left the ceremony site, helping bustle my gown etc) but in the long run that stuff doesn’t really matter.
Off subject: NtB I have been trying to read your Manolo for the Home blog but every time I go to click to expand a post or comment the page reloads and the ad bar moves from the side of the screen to the middle. No new text shows up and I can’t ever get the comments to open. I’ve tried it on several different computers with no luck…it’s been like this for about 3 weeks now.
I’m going to pass that along to The Manolo, C*. I’m not sure why it’s doing that — it’s not doing it for me, but other readers may be experiencing the same difficulties!
It did that to me this morning as well. It wasn’t happening last week though.
Thanks! I’ll keep checking it over the next few days to see if it starts working!
hahaha! I have at least gotten the OK on my purple hair and my bride is wicked stoked that she’ll have a preggo attendant in June. *grin*
Hey, pregnant attendants are the latest hot wedding trend. I plan on making at least two of my bridesmaids sign a contract promising to be visibly pregnant by my wedding date.
But seriously … maybe we should e-mail this British journalist to explain that the vast majority of Americans don’t actually do things like this!
I agree with the above comments and I too are not leaving many expectations or responsibilites for my bridal party. I only expect them to show up. I don’t expect their life to stop for an entire year because of my wedding. However, when your maid of honour ends up pregnant and within 2 weeks of your wedding date…what is a bride to do? I would be fine with it if she was even 6 or 7 months pregnant. But being left with no guarantees that she’ll be there because she lives out of town, I’m sorry but this is added stress I do not need. I do not want it to end up being my problem. So would I be considered a bridezilla if I asked her to step down?
Did you mean that her due date is within two weeks of your wedding, Worried Bride?
I’m actually surprised your MOH hasn’t stepped down of her own accord, as I’ve seen lots of preggers message board posts that could be summarized, “I just found out my due date is five days before the wedding and I don’t know what to tell the bride, I feel terrible but I’m afraid to drop out!”
Have you talked to your MOH about this? What’s her take on the whole thing? Ultimately, I don’t think it would make you a ‘zilla to bring up your concerns, but not because you don’t want it to be your problem. A lot of fit-to-burst mommas-to-be aren’t comfortable standing for a rehearsal and ceremony. It might not do for her to travel when she could potentially go into labor. She may be waiting for you to say something!
On the other hand, don’t be surprised if she’s hurt if you ask her to step down. A lot of other preggers ladies on those message boards say things like, “I was due right about then, but we figured it all out, and I knew my friend would understand if I couldn’t make it.” After all, your other maids could break a leg or just plain get the flue the day before your wedding and there’s nothing you can do about that, either. There are no guarantees where human beings are concerned.
In your heart, you probably have an inkling of how your friend will react if you ask her to step down. Personally, I’d tread carefully if your main worry is the potential for stress caused by an uneven wedding party.
Worried -
Why don’t you talk to her about it and see what she’d prefer? Say something like “I’m so excited about your pregnancy, and don’t want you to do anything that will jeopardize your health or delivery, or effect your finances when you’ve got a baby on the way. If you don’t think you can do it, I won’t be hurt if you want to step down. Or if you want to try to participate, let’s find ways to make it work for both of us.” Make it easy on her by not expecting too many demanding tasks from her, let her sit down during the ceremony and rehersal, and don’t delegate anything to her that would be a disaster if she can’t make it at the last minute.