WE Goes Nuts

I know, I know, the actual slogan is ‘WE go bridal’, but I think mine is more appropriate.

Tomorrow, WE TV kicks off a week of intense bridal programming to program us all for Valentine’s Day, when successful girls get diamond rings and live happily ever after…once they finish with all the stress and insanity of plotting…er…planning a wedding, which cannot be done without the help of a wedding planner and now a boot camp instructor.

Yes, a new and yet more degrading show has been added to the lineup by the folks that brought you such gems as Bridezillas, that ode to bridal misbehavior, and Rich Bride, Poor Bride which seems to mainly be about how it’s impossible to stick to a wedding budget and why your marriage will always be improved by spending twice what you thought you were going to on the wedding. This one is the revoltingly-titled ‘Bulging Brides.’

Yes, at long last we have a show dedicated to informing brides to be that their lives will be ruined if they don’t lose those extra five or ten pounds before they march down the aisle in their cookie-cutter-inspired strapless gowns. From the previews I’ve seen, most of the women featured are not heavy by any stretch of the imagination…they just either bought their gowns a bit too small or managed to gain a couple pounds since they bought. Eek. How horrible!

Don’t worry, though! Help is on the way! Trainer Tommy Europe and nutritionist Nadeen Bowman are ready to publicly humiliate you and whip you into shape. I’ve asked this before, but why oh why do women sign up for these shows? What are they getting that’s a worthy recompense for their dignity?

I’ve got a bridal tip that will save you money, fail to eat away at your self-esteem, not open you up to public ridicule, and allow you to have fun at your wedding: choose a gown that fits and that has a somewhat forgiving silhouette. Then you can actually look your best whatever size you are and be comfortable enough to boogie at the reception secure in the knowledge that you can move whatever way you need to without disaster.

If you long to watch women let themselves be bullied into fitting their wedding gowns rather than being rational enough to get the gowns properly fitted to them, Bulging Brides debuts on WE TV on Sunday, Feb. 17 at 10PM.

In the meantime, WE TV will air a wide variety of their wedding reality programming, including goodies like Married By the In-Laws, where a couple turns all planning control over to their parents so that they don’t even know where they’re getting married when the wedding day rolls around; and a special entitled Culture Clash Weddings where a couple agrees to have their wedding in the style of a culture they are unfamiliar with.

In the meantime, there’s a new web TV feature at WE: Groomzillas. Yes, it’s the bad boy version of Bridezillas.

And there’s a plethora of articles to help you plan your wedding, as well, including help for men trying to plan a wedding with someone of the opposite sex (no help if both of you are the same gender, though), glib advice on dealing with difficult in-laws, and reminders that bridesmaid’s gown can be cut down into cocktail dresses later which will delight your bridesmaids, really.

WE TV, I will say it again: you haven’t just gone bridal; you’ve gone nuts.

6 Responses to “WE Goes Nuts”

  1. Jennie says:

    On a rainy Saturday, I was channel surfing when I landed on the Zilla show. The behavior of these women was disturbing, violent, and selfish. If any of my friends acted that way I would walk off their wedding without a second glance. The grooms to be should buy a ticket and RUN!!! Reality my shiny, pale, backside…

  2. Me says:

    I’m involved theater as are most of my friends and my fiance. If Bridezilla offered something more than a video (like pay for the honeymoon) we might have colluded to get on the show for my upcoming wedding, and be as over-the-top as we could get away with. It would’ve been hilarious. Wonder how often that happens.

  3. sterlingspider says:

    I believe they get a Sandals honeymoon.
    And I’ve still heard several woman on the show say that it wasn’t worth the humiliation.

  4. Jen says:

    I was practical and had my dress custom made for me rather than attempt the impossible task of losing weight before my wedding (on top of all the other wedding stress). It came out beautifully and I felt confident and classy.

  5. anonymous says:

    When I was engaged (7 years ago), I was pretty full-figured, and I had the chance to meet the supermodel Emme. I told her I was engaged, and the first words out of her mouth were, “DON’T tell me you want to lose weight for your wedding!” What she meant was, it’s the real YOU who is getting married, not some slimmer and forced-into-a-stereotype you. She went on to compliment my figure and my boobs – I will always be grateful. And I loved my dress and the way I looked and felt in it. And my wedding. These shows are bad for the self-esteem!

  6. Twistie says:

    How cool, anonymous! That’s a wonderful story…not to mention excellent advice.