When the answer is “No”
By Never teh BrideIn the past few weeks I have received not one, but two e-mails from curious readers with questions about invitation etiquette. Their questions were not, as you might imagine, about the sending of invitations or the wording of invitations, but rather about declining invitations. I was frankly amazed at how similar the two queries were, so I’m only going to feature one of them here.
I was recently sent a “save the date” card by a friend who is, well, no longer really a friend. Not that we had a falling out, but we don’t really travel in the same social circles anymore. However, I was in the couple’s life when they became a couple, and I’m so happy for the two of them. I’m not sure what to do. I wonder if she invited me because she felt she should because I knew about the wedding? I wonder if I’ll just feel terribly socially awkward the whole time? I wonder if people will think I accepted just to get a free meal, rather than to celebrate the union of these two people? Would the bride be happier if I accepted or if I declined?
To anyone,anywhere contemplating an invitation to an event they’d rather not attend, I say this: Not replying at all is a dis of the highest order. While it might seem that dragging one’s feet until it’s far to late to reply is the easiest option, there are some things polite people simply do not do. That’s not to say I was suggesting that either party who wrote to me would do such a thing. Far from it! It’s simply a gem of truth that bears repeating now and again.
If you feel uncomfortable accepting an invitation to a bridal tea, bridal shower, or wedding, then by all means decline. There is nothing discourteous or ungracious about saying, “No.” When it comes to the invites to the main event, it’s usually as easy as pie…at least I’ve never seen a response card that reads “______ declines with regrets, now tell us why in 500 words or less _________.” If you’re asked to RSVP via phone or the individual doing the inviting just has to know why you can’t attend, things get stickier.
In the 1987 version of Emily Post on Entertaining Ms. Post wrote, “If you are declining simply because you don’t want to go or dislike the host or hostess, but have no other plans, it is best not to give a reason, if asked, other than ‘I’m terribly sorry, we’re busy that evening.’ This leaves you free to accept another invitation.” Of course, if you’re being asked to attend an event that’s still months and months away, this doesn’t work so well.
To the lovely lady who asked the original question, I would say that unless the bride-to-be is a very silly person who is inviting people just to pad her numbers, she probably invited you because she’d like you to attend. She’s likely as aware as you are that you two aren’t as close as you once were, but it may be that she still cares enough about you to extend an invitation.
If you’d consider going but you can’t fathom why she’d invite you, why not ring her up and say something like, “I received your save-the-date! I was so surprised because we haven’t talked in so long.” That puts the ball back in her court. On the other hand, if you’d really rather not go at all, there’s no reason to get in touch just yet, being that the invitations have not gone out. As mentioned previously, you can decline without going into specifics, but be aware that your friend might ring you to ask why. Popular reasons for declining an invitation include chaos at work, being unable to travel, monetary concerns, and previous commitments.
My own experience: When I was a bride-to-be collecting the response cards that came in, I honestly did not give a lot of thought to those that read “declines with regret” instead of “accepts with pleasure.” That’s not to say that I wasn’t saddened to learn that certain relatives and friends wouldn’t be there, but I certainly didn’t make any assumptions about their inability to attend. They had lives to lead and bills to pay and obligations of their own! Likewise, I didn’t read overmuch into the affirmative responses I received–for all I knew, half of the attendees were coming for the free beer…which wouldn’t have bothered me a bit, truth be told.
And now a question for all the brides-to-be and former brides-to-be out there: Did you analyze the response cards that came in? Or were you too busy thinking about other things?
March 25th, 2008 at 10:34 am
There were a couple of people whose “noes” I was disappointed to receive, but my response was basically, “Oh. Bummer.” It certainly was not, “That lying, craven shirker! I’m going to call her up right now and demand an explanation!”
March 25th, 2008 at 10:52 am
Frankly, the average bride has too much on her plate to do a Freudian analysis of every response card that comes in. Of course I was saddened that some people couldn’t be with us, but it never crossed my mind to demand explanations from those who said no. And in those rare cases where I’ve had to turn down a wedding invitiation - or really did prefer not to attend for some reason - I’ve never had a bride or groom come after me for an in-depth discussion of why I couldn’t make it.
March 25th, 2008 at 11:27 am
I have a similar problem - we’ve heard through the grapevine that we are on the B list for a wedding in the city we live on Memorial Day weekend. The happy couple are friends of friends who we used to be closer with, but are no longer since we all live in different parts of the country. We tentatively have other plans that weekend, but nothing is set in stone. Is it terrible that I would consider attending if we were on the A list, but a B list invite isn’t good enough for me to waste a holiday weekend? I also know we are going to need an excuse when the mutual friends ask why we couldn’t attend. Is it worth lying over, or should we just suck it up and go?
March 25th, 2008 at 12:50 pm
It’s not terrible at all that you’d feel slighted, Kelly. What’s terrible is that brides- and grooms-to-be are still playing the old A-list/B-list game. I know some justify their choice by saying they can include more people that way, but it’s not at all nice to find out that one is on a B-list and people often do find out!
I wouldn’t suggest sucking it up and going if being a B-lister bothers you, though I don’t know whether you feel comfortable stating that as a reason for not attending when pressed. I’d hope your friend would have the good taste not to demand an explanation, but then again I would also have hoped they’d shy away from a tiered guest list.
If I were in your shoes, I’d probably decline stating personal reasons or family priorities or some such thing.
March 25th, 2008 at 2:10 pm
NtB - thanks for the ALWAYS excellent advice.
“…unless the bride-to-be is a very silly person who is inviting people just to pad her numbers, she probably invited you because she’d like you to attend. ”
I hadn’t really thought of it that way. She is not a silly person, and knowing her and her fiancé’s financial situation, I don’t think they’d be likely to “pad the numbers.” I feel much more confident now that she truly wants me to be a part of this special day.
I think my fear came from the way I react when people decline invitations to my parties. My parties, while kinda awesome, are NOT weddings, so I can see now that the mindset is different.
Thanks everyone for the feedback. I hope this helps other folks too!
March 25th, 2008 at 7:01 pm
As someone who declined an invitation, I had decided when the engagement announcement came out for various reasons. The bride and I are really no longer friends and I had a previous commitment, so I decided that it was in my best interest not to attend. I put myself ahead of the invitation and had a great time at the other event. I sent a gift and was done with it.
March 25th, 2008 at 7:51 pm
I agree with NTB. If you didn’t have a falling out, I don’t see why she would invite you unless she wanted you there. It ’s likely she still things fondly of the times you spent together, and views you as part of their history of a couple ! I say if it’s not far away and won’t cost a lot of money to travel, why not go !
March 25th, 2008 at 10:16 pm
A-list? B-list? The Annalucia does not understand. Does “B-list” mean that one is a First Alternate guest if an A-lister is unable to attend?
March 26th, 2008 at 5:48 am
That’s right, Annalucia — the A-list invitations go out first, and when A-listers decline, B-list invitations go in the mail. I have to say I’m not a fan of this concept either, as it’s easy for people to figure out that they were “B-list guests” based on when they received the invitation. Yeah, you can invite more people by using a B-list, but why not just choose a bigger reception venue or a less expensive per-head meal option if you have your heart set on inviting as many people as possible?
March 26th, 2008 at 8:27 am
Several of our friends had previous commitments already in place, despite our sending save-the-date cards months in advance. (Can you imagine wanting to go to Austria, Paris or Tuscany instead of a wedding???) Anyway, we did not think overmuch about the nays, other than regret that they would not be able to join us. It happens. No one can do everything he/she is invited to.
March 26th, 2008 at 10:28 am
Thanks NtB! I’ve said for a long time that there will be no B list when I get married. It’s great to know I’m not the only one who thinks it is silly.
March 27th, 2008 at 11:44 am
I declined an invitation to the wedding of a friend’s 18-year-old son to a girl he had known less than a year. I gave a little white lie — I said I was going to be out of town — but the real reason was that I did not support the marriage (the time from proposal to wedding was about three months and no, she was not pregnant, and I thought they were way too young) and could not in good conscience attend the wedding. I did, however, send a small gift, because the friend has always been so generous to me. I did stuggle over whether to send the gift. I want it back when they divorce in two years.
March 28th, 2008 at 4:35 pm
I was sad that some people could not make it, but like everyone else, I didn’t think too hard about it. The problem I had with my RSVPs was when people informed me that they were going to bring friends along–friends I didn’t know! No, not boyfriends, girlfriends, children or siblings, but just “my friend from work and his brother” or “my college buddy”. I was flabbergasted by that. It was so awkward telling these people that they had somehow mistakenly interpreted whom the invitation was for.
March 31st, 2008 at 7:25 pm
I had to decline the invitation to be my best friend’s Maid of Honor because I could not stand the man she was marrying, and frankly, I thought I might just do something to stop the wedding if I were there (faked paternity test anyone?) It was the hardest thing I had to do, but I just could not stand up and support her marriage when I didn’t actually support her marriage. Of course, it has been eight years later or something and they are still together. They have a daughter now. I guess she is happy. I still don’t care for him though. I think I would have stayed closer friends with her if she had married someone I found more personable.