Archive - April, 2008

It’s a nice day for a wild wedding

What happens when there’s less wedding bliss and more WWF? Newlyweds land in jail, natch. I don’t know why stories of brawling brides and bridegrooms tickle me so, but if I had to guess I’d say it’s the pure unexpectedness of the whole fracas.

Note: This is a dramatization!

Just yesterday The Beard sent me a link to an article about Christa Vattimo and her husband David W. Wielechowksi. Freshly returned from an official wedding ceremony that took place in the Bahamas, the couple was ready to renew their vows in front of 150 friends and relatives.

But something must have gone sour after I do number two, because Dennis, according to the criminal complaint, “used a karate-style kick with his leg to kick Christa, knocking her to the floor” as they were making their way into their hotel room…presumably for some post-post-marital you-know-what.

Two guests of another wedding heard the bride’s screams and rushed over to help her. But when they restrained Wielechowksi, his bride began attacking her rescuers, police said.

The fight traveled from a hallway to an elevator then into the hotel lobby where, police said, the couple threw metal planters containing live plants into an elevator at the men who tried to break up the fight.

Police arrived to find the dentist lying on the floor of the lobby and his bride “yelling loudly” and “apparently highly intoxicated,” according to the complaint.

Highly intoxicated, you say? SURPRISE SURPRISE! I kid…what’s really surprising is Christa’s claim that her husband didn’t start any fights with her or anyone else. Why do I doubt that other hotel guests conspired to get the couple thrown into the pokey?

As real as it gets

It’s been a while since I’ve been in a wedding. The last wedding I participated in was my own, and I don’t think that counts. No, “being in a wedding” means being a bridesmaid or a groomsman or bridesman or groomswoman or flower girl or ring bearer or whatever. I’m only qualified to do some of those jobs, and I’m a quite a bit to old for the latter two.

The first wedding I was ever in was my father’s wedding. Of all the things I must have thought on the day he married his third wife, I remember most clearly thinking how odd it was that my future step-mother was crying. People told me I’d cry at my wedding. They were wrong. The last wedding I was in was a relatively simple affair, and I had no responsibilities whatsoever.

So, yeah, it’s been a while, which means I adore reading other people’s tales of happiness and woe, worry and excitement. One of the best and most vivid tales from the wedding front I’ve ever read came from the keyboard of Anne of Elastic Waist:

The day started at 6 in the morning with makeup, then running laps around the hallways of the hotel, looking for money and keys and some person to tell something and breakfast and coffee and back for touch-ups and hair and pictures and a furtive cigarette out by the pool and pressing the dress and being asked “Are you going to press your dress?” and indignation because it was fine except after Aunt Betty gets ahold of it with her iron, it is returned in pristine condition and maybe you just don’t know how to iron, and arranging for rides, and rearranging, and rearranging again, and ducking in to make sure the bride’s head, which seems on the verge of exploding, has not yet exploded.

Photo courtesy of the WPJA

Arriving at the venue—a beautiful Victorian mansion. Cringing at the video camera—a video camera! No one said there’d be a video camera! Oh, holy hell. Trying to act natural but realizing it is completely and one hundred percent impossible not to keep looking straight into the lens of the camera like some kind of giant dork and knowing any reality television dreams have been cut abruptly short. Starving. Starving to death. Sitting in a small room, all the dresses lined up on a rack, the hem of the wedding dress trailing against the rug, and realizing a wedding is going to happen, and happen soon, because there is the dress and here is the bride, wringing her hands. Oh thank god, cheese. Oh thank god, champagne.

Disappearing into the bathroom and dressing. Emerging, one by one, in yellow, and suddenly we are a flock of lovely birds, in lovely plumage. Blaming the champagne for the terrible, emotional analogies, but wallowing in the treacle. Holding tight to the arms of the chair as the bride steps into her gown and turns to the mirror. She is nervous, but she shouldn’t be. He loves her so much, and she is so lovely right now. Her mother holds her hand as she steps into her yellow heels.

Isn’t that just divine? I feel like I’ve just been given a behind the scenes look at what being a maid of honor or bridesmaid is really all about, once the invitations have been addressed and the programs have all been folded. It almost makes me want to be asked to be someone’s attendant…almost.

And the winners are…

It’s official! The first ever Manolo for the Brides Sweepstakes is over. Dunso. Finito.

Don't tell sci-fi contest cat who she ought to be!

The first $50 prize winner, as chosen by a random number generator was Claire, of Confessions of a Chronic Dork. She described her ultimate wedding wish thusly:

I would love to have a live swing band at my wedding. There are only two problems with that fantasy (other than the fact that I’m not yet engaged): 1) Money. 2) Neither the boyfriend nor I know how to swing dance. We’d love to take lessons sometime, but as the relationship is currently long-distance, that might be hard. But I can dream, right?

On to the second $50 prize winner! Kristin, concerned with her coiffure, wrote:

If the budget allowed, I would be flying my hairdresser to my DW in Cancun. In all of my 25 years, she is the only person who has known what to do with my coarse, frizzy, not-curly-but-not-straight ramen noodle hair. It makes me a little scared to think about the pompom I am going to have on my head on my wedding day, what with the humidity and all… and my dearest LeeAnn won’t be there to flat iron it, spray it down or coax it into submission!

And now, on to the $150 grand prize winner, Debra. She’s already married, and from the tone of her comment, it must have been a beautiful day.

There’s not much I would change about my wedding. To me, it was a dream. Nonetheless, I would have loved to be able to fly out my overseas relatives to attend the wedding…we had lots of his family there, which was nice, but I missed being able to share such a wonderful day with my extended family.

Congrats to the winners are in order, and I absolutely have to thank everyone who entered. I LOVED reading your ultimate wedding wishes! FYI: Either I or the Manolo himself will be contacting the winners shortly.

If you commented to let me know that Manolo for the Brides is on your blogroll and I haven’t added you yet, rest assured that I’ll be doing that tonight. With so many comments coming in, I figured it would be easier to update my own roll en masse once the contest was over.

Cheers, and thanks again for playing!

T-minus three hours and counting!

This is just a quick post to say that there’s still just about three whole hours to enter the Manolo for the Brides Sweepstakes. The whole shebang will end at 12 a.m. EST on April 28, so hurry up and leave a comment for your chance to win!

Sweet, Sweet Schadenfreude

There are few things I love so much in life as a great story. If there’s a little bitter bite to the story, so much the better, I admit it. Tales of other peoples’ disasters tend to be a lot more entertaining than concentrating on your own miseries, after all. It feels good to be able to point and laugh and say ‘better someone who isn’t me than me.’ I’m not proud of it, no, but there it is.

Thus it is that one of my favorite haunts to visit on the net is Etiquette Hell. There I can have my fill of cautionary tales about brides run amok and flower girls mooning the congregation, of grooms gone gaga and guests who have sadly left all their couth at home for the event. From ring bearers who drop the rings to bakers who drop the cake, it’s all there in glorious Technicolor and four-part harmony…with feeling.

Some highlights include the couple who noted a $115.00 cover charge for their wedding on the invitation, the maid of honor who didn’t invite the other two bridesmaids to the shower, the groom’s family who take over the entire process…without putting up one red cent, the vindictive ex-girlfriend of the groom who tipped off the police about where to find him to arrest him on an outstanding warrent on his wedding day at the altar, and of course multiple cases of actual assault.

If you need a little perspective (or a bit of etiquette advice), I highly recommend Etiquette Hell. Oh, and while you’re there, check out their recently added feature The Library which houses works on etiquette ranging from George Washington’s Rules of Civility & Decent Behavior In Company and Conversation up to the 1922 edition of Emily Post.

Now, back to those tales of woe. Heh, heh.

Twistie’s Sunday Caption Madness: The Result

Once again, you guys amaze, amuse, and generally delight me. Faced with this image

you came back at me with ten different captions to tickle the fancy. There can, however, be only one winner, and that is…the anonymous soul who came up with this beauty:

While photographs such as the one above were widely disseminated at the time, many historians continue to cast doubt on the exact events of the “Kleinfeld Death March”

Congratulations…whoever you are! And thanks to everyone who played.

I’m just mad about Saffron

I have it on good authority that the hot colors being adopted left and right by those planning weddings for later in the year are yellow and gunmetal gray. Gunmetal? Bring it on, especially in the dresses! Yellow in the frockular area? Um…I can’t say I’m a fan. A brief looksie reveals gowns that are playful to the point of being juvenile. Add to that the fact that yellow was associated at some point in history, according to Snopes, with lying, unfaithfulness, and oath breaking.

And lets not forget this little rhyme: “Married in yellow, ashamed of your fellow.” Now that’s how you condemn a color, folks, at least as far as bridalwear is concerned.

But all is not lost, for there are a thousand and one ways you can incorporate the happiest of all colors into your wedding palette. Flowers are an obvious choice, seeing as how Mother Nature saw fit to create oh so many lovely yellow blooms. A yellow cake…it’s a thought. How about some yellow stationery, done four different ways?

The Crane’s variety

This lovely set from Crane’s includes invitation cards, inner and outer envelopes, reception cards, and response cards, and weighs in at $456.00 for just the invites.

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