A Pretty Tune, But What Were They Thinking?
As the wife of a musician, I tend to be very aware of music at weddings. As a long-time theater/opera buff with a penchant for listening to lyrics, I tend to be extra-aware of the messages given by music, whether intended or not. For instance, I had to turn a burst of highly inapropriate laughter into a coughing fit when I saw one groom and his attendants approach the altar to the strains of Send In the Clowns played at a dirgelike tempo. It’s a pretty tune, yes, but knowing the title would make me cross it off the list of potential songs to play at a wedding, even if I didn’t know the lyrics and dramatic context.
That same potential fit of hysteria hits me every time I hear someone use Greensleeves as a processional or to denote mutual romantic love. Really, the lyrics are a laundry list of all the money he spent on a woman who isn’t in love with him, along with assurances that the fact she’s treated him like a dog only make him more ardent. Clearly masochism was alive and well in the Sixteenth century.
So yes, Virginia, sometimes the words really do matter.
This really struck home with me today when I was perusing sites with lists of suggested songs for every part of your wedding.
Looking for a great song for cutting the cake? I’m not really sure I’d go with Barenaked Ladies’ If I Had a Million Dollars what with the line about And if I had a million dollars I’d buy your love. If the love needs to be bought, well…let’s just say that’s not the kind of love I’d want to advertize. Still, even that isn’t as poor a choice as Bryan Adams’ Cuts Like a Knife.
And while I do enjoy the song Whiter Shade of Pale, I must admit I can’t imagine using it as a processional. It might raise questions as to the sobriety of the couple which could invalidate the entire proceedings. Then again, one site I visited suggested a tune from Mozart’s Don Giovanni for the same purpose. Somehow, I can’t imagine choosing that one. After all, if I wasn’t going to use Wagner’s Wedding March from Lohengrin in part because of how badly that wedding turned out (though, I admit, even moreso because I dislike the tune and my father had a burning loathing for Wagner that might have caused spontaneous combustion on his part as we headed up the aisle), it hardly seems likely that I’d find something from an opera about the world’s biggest horndog on his way to eternal damnation any more appropriate. Love the music, wouldn’t want to send the message.
Oh, and I did mention Mr. Twistie is a musician, didn’t I? That means that once upon a time back in the early eighties he played a lot of weddings. He tells me he lost count of the number of couples that wanted The Eagles Peaceful Easy Feeling as a first dance. I wonder how many of them noticed what that entire third verse was saying.
So in choosing your wedding music, consider the lyrics and the associations involved. Somebody out there probably knows the words and may suddenly burst out coughing because of them.
Or maybe you just don’t want to invite me. I won’t be hurt, but I’d appreciate it if you sent along a slice of cake, anyway.
The one that always got me was “I Will Always Love You” by Whitney Houston for a first dance. Did they ever listen to the lyrics? It’s a song about the man LEAVING the woman.
We had a hard time with the parent-child dances, because my husband didn’t have any really meaningful songs and mine were completely inappropriate. He wound up going with “Always With You, Always With Me” by Joe Satriani — you can’t mess up lyrics in an intrumental… My options for songs that had meaning for me were “Can’t Help Falling in Love” by Elvis Presley (by chance, my father and I had danced to that three years in a row at an annual event my family attended), or “867-5309/Jenny” by Tommy Tutone (my grandmother actually asked why that was inappropriate, and I quoted “I got your number on the wall/For a good time, for a good time CALL”). So we wound up with “The Way You Look Tonight” by Frank Sinatra.
Also, from this site, “On Bended Knee” by Boyz II Men? “I F’ed up, please take me back please please please?” Sounds like a great “let’s start our lives together” kickoff song..
And finally, I had a few people suggest to me for the Bridal Party Dance “Friends in Low Places” by Garth Brooks. It’s not that it’s not a fun song, but A) it doesn’t say much about the people who are up there giving you support, and B) it’s a DRINKING SONG – not REALLY appropriate.
Music is very important to me as well. I paid very close attention to the lyrics as well as the tune:
I walked down the aisle to “We are Man and Wife” by Michelle Featherstone
Our first dance (which I choreographed and it was amazing!) “You Won’t Be Lonely Anymore” by Stryper
Father Daughter dance “Always be your baby” by Natalie Grant (except I used the karaoke demo version because Natalie Grant was too whiny for me). My dad was trying to “talk business” during the dance, when I made him listen to the words and told him I chose it carefully, he got so choked up that I changed the subject back to business for him!
I was working at a wedding once and the DJ played “With Or Without You” by U2. It wasn’t for any particular dance, but still–”I can’t live with or without you?” How romantic.
Speaking of U2, I’ve been to a couple weddings that used “The Sweetest Thing” as the cake cutting song. Cute idea, but…no. Sample lyrics: “My love, she throws me like a rubber ball… She won’t catch me or break my fall.”
I know of someone who used Lyle Lovett’s “Nobody Knows Me”, which he introduces on his Live in Texas album as “a cheatin’ song”, and which includes the lines: “And she cried, how could you do it / And I swore that there weren’t nothing to it.”
I’ve also heard of someone using “I Don’t Know How to Love Him” from “Jesus Christ Superstar.” Ahem. “I’ve had so many men before / In so very many ways / He’s just one more.”
But I’ll never forget the reception where the cover band played “Why Don’t We Do It In the Road” and “50 Ways to Leave Your Lover”.
When my parents got married, I got input on the music list for the reception. And good grief, I was appalled at some of the song choices. I’m all for modern music, especially when people are going to be dancing, but I really don’t think that “I’m in Love with a Stripper” is appropriate at any stage of a wedding, unless, of course, one (or both, hey, who am I to assume?) of the couple actually ARE strippers.
I actually made a top 5 “Don’t Play These” list, all of which I’ve actually heard played at weddings.
1. Brown Eyed Girl – public sex is a bad topic for a Father/Daughter dance, always, no matter what color her eyes are. In fact the number of weddings without this song is outnumbered about 5 to 1 by weddings that have it for some reason.
2. Band of Gold – it’s about a woman who is abandoned ON HER WEDDING NIGHT. Sweet lord, why have I heard it at three weddings?
3. Fields of Gold – public sex is a bad topic for a Mother/Son dance, even if it is an instrumental version but especially when the lyrics are sung. Seen this happen twice.
4. Paradise by the Dashboard Light – call and response from drunk people is funny, true, but see above re: public sex and weddings. DJs tell me guests demand it, but I still feel unilaterally opposed to it.
5. Gonna Getcha Good – now, this was only played once but to full effect by a clueless DJ who was eating during the couple’s first dance. “Forever and For Always” should have been playing, but he apparently didn’t notice the difference for a full 2 minutes as the MoH threaded her way through stunned (and sickly amused) guests. For bonus points, the bride was 3 months pregnant.
The Beard and I listened to the lyrics of every single song we played at the wedding, both because I have little siblings and older relatives who might not want to hear loads of cussing and because we wanted to be sure everything was thematically appropriate. I put a ready-made DO NOT PLAY list in iDo for those who are interested.
The two songs I hear at weddings that make me roll my eyes are Paradise By the Dashboard Light and I Will Survive. Sure, they’re fun…at a bbq or birthday party…but at a wedding? It creeps me out.
Somewhat related, the theme of my Senior prom was ‘With or Without You’. Huh? I don’t think people actually listen to song lyrics at all.
Hahaha, this cracked me up. My church does not allow the Wagner Wedding March since it was written for an opera and has no connection to the church, same with the Mendelssohn. Many people also use Handel’s “Largo”. Um, with words, that piece is from an opera in which the dramatic context has this very beautiful love song being sung TO A TREE.
We danced to (part of) “It’s the End of the World As We Know It (And I Feel Fine).” I know the verses are entirely WTF? for a wedding, but the refrain was just too perfect.
Continuing the U2 theme, I’ve heard the band members speak of their bafflement that people would use the bitter breakup song “One” as their wedding song. Once, I even heard a radio DJ gush, “One love, one life… isn’t that romantic?”
Out of curiosity, NTB, have you addressed (in your book or on MftB) the question of DIY reception music? I’d imagine that it is becoming a much more popular option now with the omnipresence of iPods. In fact, I’d like to do that for my wedding, but I have no idea how to order the songs in my dream playlist. Do you alternate slow/fast, or try to gradually alter the mood of the reception with the music you play?
Any thoughts… anyone?
I’m a musician, so when the fiancee and I started talking reception music, I absolutely refused to have anything but a hand-picked iPod playlist. Like NtB, there will be little ears and (very conservative Baptist) grandparent ears tuning in, and besides, our tastes are so ecclectic that I seriously doubt any DJ we’ll find would have everything we want to include. Besides, it will save us money (this is a very good excuse to use if you have traditionalist parents, I’m finding).
Ceremony music will be harder… I really love the theme from “October Sky” and am thinking about arranging it for the entrance. I know it has nothing to do with marriage or weddings or love, but at least it makes more sense than something from “Don Giovanni.”
I did indeed, Megan! Arranging the music you like into a cohesive whole is tougher than it sounds — in fact, if you look up iPod weddings or DIY DJing, you’ll usually end up on blogs written by DJs who think DIY music is a bad idea because the layman doesn’t know how to work a crowd into a frenzy.
The Beard and I used a laptop, some creative playlisting you can read about here, and a system of prompts for the best man so he’d know when to do what. People danced and had a good time…in fact, my grandparents, who can Lindy up a storm, were dancing to the most unexpected songs!
If you don’t want to wait until iDo comes out in June to find out more about DIY wedding music, a Google search brings up some good resources. Personally, I grouped song by what they were good for….cocktail hour songs didn’t have to be dance-y, a short list of slow songs led into dinner
music which led into fun dance music, etc. This worked well, and allowed us to play a variety of stuff.
What most how-tos forget to mention, however, is that a lot of venues don’t allow for direct plug ins, i.e., you can’t just plug your iPod right into the sound system. The Bear, like Mr. Twistie, is a music guy, we had all of the equipment and cables we’d need to DIY. I tell everyone thinking about being their own wedding day DJs to talk to their venue manager about what equipment is at the site and what will need to be brought in.
I knew the line dance and all the words to “Strokin’” by Clarence Carter by the time I was 5 because it got played at almost every wedding reception my family went to. Strokin’ is a euphemism for sex in the song. One particularly inappropriate line is “Stroke it, Clarence Carter, but don’t stroke so fast. If my stuff ain’t tight enough, you can stroke it up my WOO!”
Yeah, don’t play this at wedding receptions.
LadySun, I love Sinatra’s “The Way You Look Tonight” — what a perfect first dance song!
Twistie, I sympathize — I’m a lyric-listener too and it’s ruined several “romantic” songs for me. “Every Breath You Take” by the Police? Clearly a stalker song (as Sting himself admits). “One”? I love U2, but I am not walking down the aisle or dancing to “Have you come here to play Jesus/to the lepers in your head?”
And, please don’t kill me … but I really don’t like Eric Clapton’s classic “Wonderful Tonight.” I think it’s repetitive and annoying and I just don’t care for Clapton’s voice or the way it’s mixed. Nothing wrong with the lyrics, I just don’t like it.
Down here in Trinidad there is a love-on for this song ‘I Walked Away From Love’. Why do people think that EVERY slow song is appropriate for a wedding just because it’s slow?
Hit submit before I was ready there…
I’m a control freak, so if I ever agreed to marry, I’d make a playlist for the DJ, and dock him a fiver for every song played that wasn’t on the list. Too many DJs down here have no sense of appropriateness. I’ve no interest in hearing Lady Saw at my wedding, thanks.
I’m just in the planning stages of my own wedding and my mother and I have already gone head-to-head on a few songs. Unfortunately, or fortunately, depending on how you look at it, my fiance and I have a song, and it’s “Fairytale of New York” by the Pogues. For several reasons, it’s a slightly problematic first song to dance to, so we’re trying to figure out if we just say screw it and do it anyway, or find some alternative. Argh!
We only used classical music for our ceremony.
The reception was another story.
R and I danced our first dance to Elvis’ “Can’t Help Falling in Love”, but we had all kinds of songs played during the reception. All the tween age kids requested “Soulja Boy” so many times we just had to play it, which resulted in the adults standing around going “wtf is this?” and all the tweens and teens doing the dance. It was hilarious. We did ban the Chicken Dance and a few others but somehow we did end up doing what felt like the world’s longest Macarena. I HATE the Macarena but it was hilarious to see R’s 75 year old great aunt on the dance floor…the video footage is so funny.
You know, thinking about it the only love songs I would ever find lyrically appropriate and not aurally offensive for a first dance would be some of Yo La Tengo’s love songs since they tend to be all established relationship/I love you even when you leave your socks on the floor yet again.
Personally, though, I think the dance music should just be fun to dance to, once you get past all the traditional special dances.
Yes, “Send in the Clowns” is definitely a bad idea. However, here are some musical theatre songs that seem like they’d be wedding appropriate, at least for some people, and have the added advantage of not being over-done. Here are my suggestions:
All The Wasted Time — from Parade. Pros: Particularly appropriate for couples who’ve taken forever to get together, beautiful, romantic. Cons: In the musical, the events immediately following this song are incredibly tragic.
In Whatever Time We Have — from Children of Eden. I’ve actually performed this at weddings. It’s lovely and effective. Life can throw whatever it wants at us, but “at least we’ll be together in whatever time we have.”
You Walk With Me — from The Full Monty. Technically a love song between two men, but it’s gorgeous, and sounds very traditional, and would be very wedding-appropriate. Would be a great processional.
Hero and Leander — from Myths and Hymns. Musically stunning, lyrically obscure, romantic in its own way, and no one’s ever heard of it. It is based on the myth of Hero (a nymph) and Leander, her lover, which is, in the end, an ill-fated romance, as Leander drowns trying to get to her, but I think I’d still be willing to use it for something.
Love Song for Lucinda — from Bright Eyed Joy: The Songs of Ricky Ian Gordon. Because love IS a ripe vine growing on a purple tree. Simultaneously old-fashioned and modern. And very unusual. Probably not for everyone, but if you had, say, a live pianist, this would be worth using as an instrumental.
Say it Somehow — From The Light in the Piazza. Unspeakably beautiful. There’s dialogue in the middle of the recording, so you’d probably want a live version, or to do a little judicious editing. I’d ‘first dance’ to this.
The Next Ten Minutes — from The Last Five Years. Pros: Lovely, and the actual wedding song from that show. Cons: The marriage doesn’t work out.
So I take it you’d be against “I’m Getting To Old for the Oldest Profession” as the bride and groom’s first dance, Twistie?
I can think of many BAD wedding songs but I recently found a fantastic one for when I get hitched:
Cantonese: Jacky Cheung – Nay dik Ming Zi, Oa dik Sing Si (lit. “Your First Name, My Surname”)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OwASVwlbb-E
I’m a classical singer, so our wedding reception choices were:
Bridal party down the aisle: Mozart piano sonata in A, 1st mvmt (the theme, not the variations)
Me down the aisle: Ah Chloris, Reynaldo Hahn (in French – text briefly paraphrased is along the lines of I can’t believe I’m lucky enough to have your love)
Random interlude: The Call, Ralph Vaughan Williams
Candle lighting: A new piece a friend of our composed for the wedding
Recessional: Brahms, Rhapsody in Eb (op 119 no. 4)
For the reception, we didn’t want a ton of music – we had tons of family there and we really wanted to encourage conversation more than crazy loudness – so my high school piano teacher played background jazz for a few hours. It was perfect.
“Hollaback Girl” and “Baby Got Back” People actually got up and left in disgust.
The marriage lasted less than six months.
Just several suggestions from a wedding attendee:
For the 1st dance “All I ask of you” From Phantom of the Opera, “Hey there Delilah” Instrumental version from the The Vitamins String Quartet.
Also, If you want to play Brown Eyed Girl, do us all a favor and play the real, Van Morrison version.When I get married I want to have one “flashback” song, y’know something I used to like in high school, something the bridesmaids and I can go crazy to.
haha! it’s hilarious to read all of the commentary here.
I agree, however, that “The Oldest Profession” might be slightly inappropriate. (Notice the tongue in cheeck emphasis on ‘slightly’)
How about a friend’s wedding where the grooms party requested, and the DJ ACTUALLY played Prince’s Pussy Control. Ummmm…I would have had my DJ fired after the event and gotten every penny back!