Who’s Milking the Frog?
By TwistieThat’s the battlecry of my family. If one of us asks another if there might not be a better approach to a task without being asked for advice first, this is what they’re most likely to hear in return. Witness these (semi) real exchanges:
Me: Are you really sure you want this whaling song about a guy leaving his woman for quite possibly ever as your first dance at your wedding reception?
My Brother: Who’s milking the frog? We like it.
Me: And that’s great. Enjoy. (makes mental note not to use same song for own wedding)
or
Me: What would you think of this for the cake?
Mr. Twistie: I don’t really like cake.
Me: What would you like?
Mr. Twistie: No, no, you can have your cake.
Me: But what would you like?
Mr. Twistie: I like fruit tarts.
Me: Wow! That sounds great! Let’s do it!
Mr. Twistie: Don’t you want your cake?
Me: Hey, who’s milking this frog? I can have cake any time I like. You don’t like it, and truth be told I like tarts better, too. Let’s have tarts.
In my family, once the magical phrase has been used, everybody knows to back off and let you do what you want. It doesn’t just say ‘I’m in charge’, it also says ‘just because it isn’t the average way something is done doesn’t mean I haven’t thought this through’ as well as ‘when you’re the one doing this, you can do it whatever damn fool way you please and I won’t get on your back, either.’ Pretty much as long as what someone is trying to do isn’t illegal, insanely beyond the reach of the current budget available, or actively harming someone else, we make no fuss once the phrase has been spoken…unless it’s been spoken by someone who doesn’t have the right.
With weddings, it can be tricky sometimes to figure out just who is milking that poor amphibian. (see, I told you this would work out to general discussion about weddings and not just tedious family linen laundering) Does the buck stop with the person signing the checks? The ones getting married? Grandmother from the Old Country?
I thought about this a lot while catching up with the culture. I finally saw My Big Fat Greek Wedding for the first time. Yes, that’s right, get your sniggering out of the way now. Sometimes I’m slow. Unlike a lot of people, though, the film didn’t leave me with a heartwarming feeling of how sweet it was that Toula finally got her man or that Ian saw her worth before she left frumpiness behind, or that her family accepted her not-Greek guy. I was left fuming over the sense that her family was milking the frog with no regard to how anyone else felt, including both Toula and Ian. It was the family’s production number, and the bridal couple just squeezed in however they could.
The bride and groom were given no say at all in the invitations, the bridesmaid’s outfits, the setting…the invitation apparently even went out with the groom’s mother’s name wrong so that it looked like Ian had two daddies. Ian couldn’t have his best friend as his best man because the best man had to be Greek Orthadox…but even though Ian made conversion look as simple and whimsical a matter as changing his socks, neither this option nor the option of filling another role in the wedding party is offered to his friend. Toula even hates her wedding gown so much that she’s pretty much ripping off all the trim in the limo on the way to the reception. Ian’s family isn’t allowed so much as a peep about any of the planning. The only decision Ian appears to make is that of converting so they can marry in Toula’s family church in order to please her family. And having done so, admits to not being a religious person. In fact, he says neither of them is religious so it didn’t really matter to them.
Of course, the film is exagerrating for comic effect. I know this. I also know that a lot of couples deal with a lot more family pressure than I did. Let’s face it, a very opinionated thirty year old bride and a second time groom who decide to pay for the entire shindig themselves are going to have an easier time getting their way than a twenty year old bride being funded by her parents who have been dreaming of this day since they were told ‘it’s a girl’. It also helps that my family takes a laissez faire approach to the choices made by others in the family. And it also helps that the wedding Mr. Twistie and I planned fit well with the tastes and expectations of those around us. Left to our own devices, we actually didn’t make a whole lot of controversial decisions. Probably our biggest break from expected tradition was the tarts, and those were a huge hit.
So how do you deal with the question of who’s in charge when the issues are murkier than the ones Mr. Twistie and I faced?
Communication is key. Talk to those most likely to consider themselves in charge and hash out who really is the boss in what areas. Remember that purse strings often trump all other issues. If you can afford to pay for things yourself, chances are you’ll have an easier time getting your way.
Compromise is important. After all, while a wedding is a day for the bride and the groom, it’s also a big day for both families. If everyone involved gets some of their way, it makes things easier for everyone involved.
Choose your battles wisely. Sometimes the thing you want isn’t practical. Sometimes other people’s feelings and expectations have to be taken into consideration. Work out in advance what is absolutely vital to you, and where you can be more flexible.
And when all else fails, remind the people around you that this is your frog to milk. If nothing else, chances are the phrase will confuse them long enough for you to make your getaway and unwind before the next round of planning.
April 13th, 2008 at 2:06 pm
I totally agree with your assessment of MBFGW, Twistie. I think it’s a cute movie, but thinking about weddings and wedding planning more has given me a different perspective. I re-watched it on TV last night and was appalled that poor Toula didn’t even get to pick her own dress!
I’ve seen tons of posts about money/control issues on the bridal message board I’ve been visiting recently. A lot of people could benefit from the advice you just gave.
April 13th, 2008 at 2:41 pm
My parents paid for most of the wedding budget, and my husband’s parents paid for some as well. I made it clear from the very beginning that two things I wanted the majority of the budget for were location and photographer. I still shopped around for good deals on what I wanted, but by letting everyone know up front how important those were for me, it saved a lot of hassle in people trying to decide it for me.
My mom did end up spending $ on things that I didn’t really care about, which was a source of frustration for me. But I have a wonderful father who loves us both and told me not to include those things as part of the budget. He really helped prevent arguments.
April 13th, 2008 at 3:58 pm
My FI and I are totally milking this frog ourselves, mostly because my parents really have no money (though poor mom is still talking about helping, despite my dad’s continuing unemployment), and his parents haven’t volunteered. Also, they’re just really respectful of us and our decisions in this process, which I am extremely grateful for.
Just out of curiosity, your brother’s whaling song isn’t “Boston and St. Johns” by Great Big Sea, is it? Because that’s quite possibly what FI and I would have danced to were we dancing at our wedding.
April 13th, 2008 at 4:16 pm
My family’s Indian, and I married a white American guy. We had an Indian wedding because I wanted one, but with that came an entire package. A traditional Indian wedding means that the bride’s parents do everything. And I mean, everything.
Since I grew up here and both my parents have been here for many many years, we took many American ideas into account. The bride having some say in the wedding is one of them, so I did have a say in all the details that mattered to me. However, in many cultures, the bride and groom are not supposed to be involved in the wedding preparations. They are considered the guests of honor. Why would they stress out about planning?
That being said, of course that movie exaggerates hilariously. But I think that it’s important to consider that different cultures do it different ways. The bride planning her wedding is a singularly western and modern tradition. My mom didn’t plan hers, and neither did some of my cousins or my aunts. There were a lot of things I did not decide about mine–what song I would walk down the aisle to, for example–and the ceremony required some things being certain ways that I perhaps wouldn’t have chosen myself. And my husband? Well, he was just happy he was marrying me, and sat through the whole thing with excellent grace (and some happiness too!) But I wouldn’t have had an American-style ceremony for the world. It’s just a different way of doing things!
There’s one scene in the movie Monsoon Wedding that kind of shows this mentality. The bride and her mom and sisters are out shopping for what she’s going to wear. The bride’s family goes into a shop and oohs and aahs over dresses… and the bride goes off to buy a popsicle! And her mom doesn’t even find it weird.
April 13th, 2008 at 4:34 pm
Huh, I was always disappointed that other people didn’t take more initiative as our two sets of parents were doing the paying! But now hearing about how it might have been, a la MBFGW, perhaps I should just count myself lucky!
April 13th, 2008 at 5:42 pm
As soon as I met Mr. Anastasia, my mother started planning the wedding. My friends started planning the wedding. His parents started as well.
Everybody told me they hated the music I wanted (something cuban and old), my mother hated the dress I wanted and wanted to get the dress from her designer friend and his parents hated the location and wanted me to wear long gloves (don’t ask), the friends wanted a party with lots of silly, humiliating games and hated my plan of a nice party with dancing and no games or humiliation whatsoever.
But, said me and the Mister, this is supposed to be the happiest day of our life.
What you all want is not what we want.
And so we eloped and got married on the Seychelles, with the music and the dress and without the gloves.
April 14th, 2008 at 9:33 am
Slightly off-topic — but in the movie, is it just me or was there no chemistry between the Greek girl and the boring, bland guy? I honestly couldn’t see what she saw in him other than his generic frat-boy good looks.
April 14th, 2008 at 11:41 am
KES, the song was Farewell to Tarwathie. If you want to see the lyrics, here they are: http://www.contemplator.com/tunebook/scotland/tarwath.htm
Nariya, that sort of cultural expectation is precisely why I said everyone should discuss who is in charge of what. The thing that bothered me more than the fact that Toula didn’t get to choose anything in the movie was the fact that she obviously expected she would be making these decisions. When she started talking about choosing invitations, she found her mother had already ordered them. When she said she would think about the fabric for the bridesmaids dresses, her cousin bought the fabric, designed the dress, had it made up for everyone and got matching earrings made all while Toula still thought she had a choice about what fabric would be used, let alone how it would be cut and what jewelry everyone would wear. If everyone had sat down and talked about who was in charge of what, then she could either have demanded control over the parts that mattered most to her or sat back secure in the knowledge that everything was taken care of. It was the mixed expectations that caused the most problems.
NtB, sometimes being left on your own to do thing is actually easier. My brother and SIL made dozens of concessions large and small to her controlling father in hopes that making him happy would mean he would attend. Did he show? He did not. Did he bother sending his regrets? No. Did we all have a good time without him? Hell, yeah!
Of course, that was an extreme example, but I’ve known several women who were nearly bald by their wedding days from tearing their hair out trying to juggle the warring expectations of two extended families with very different philosophies about how weddings should be conducted. Never forget, there was my good friend who spent the night before her wedding scouring the woods because her groom’s family was convinced it would never be clean enough for the purpose of joining two people in matrimony.
class-factotum, you are not alone. I thought Ian was kind of generic, too. Cute enough, and easygoing, but that was about it. I’ve known plenty of cats that fill that particular bill.
Anastasia, that’s the way to milk your own frog!
April 14th, 2008 at 2:37 pm
It’s odd because everyone is being so hands off with us even though they are paying, they just gave us the money and let us spend it how we see fit ! Sometimes it’s kinda like I wish someone else WOULD make a decision ! Like I was with two of my Bridesmaids yesterday and they were like “how do you want our hair ?” I was like Umm… IDK…. there’ll be a stylist, just decide how you want it to look ? LOL
April 15th, 2008 at 12:33 am
My mother decided–without consulting us–to hire a band that I really liked for the reception. She knew I was very fond of that band and that my husband would like them too (he likes that kind of music although he’d never heard that particular band play before), but we had only been planning to have recorded music for the reception. I was pleasantly surprised by my mom’s move, but Mr. Jane thought my mother was being pushy. He still sometimes sees pushiness or meddling in my mom’s behavior when I don’t see it, but maybe they’ll come to an understanding someday. Mr. Jane ended up absolutely loving the band. (That’s the thing about my mom that I think Mr. Jane hasn’t learned yet–she may come across as interfering, but the people she bosses around end up happy 99% of the time.)