Nariya, that sort of cultural expectation is precisely why I said everyone should discuss who is in charge of what. The thing that bothered me more than the fact that Toula didn’t get to choose anything in the movie was the fact that she obviously expected she would be making these decisions. When she started talking about choosing invitations, she found her mother had already ordered them. When she said she would think about the fabric for the bridesmaids dresses, her cousin bought the fabric, designed the dress, had it made up for everyone and got matching earrings made all while Toula still thought she had a choice about what fabric would be used, let alone how it would be cut and what jewelry everyone would wear. If everyone had sat down and talked about who was in charge of what, then she could either have demanded control over the parts that mattered most to her or sat back secure in the knowledge that everything was taken care of. It was the mixed expectations that caused the most problems.

NtB, sometimes being left on your own to do thing is actually easier. My brother and SIL made dozens of concessions large and small to her controlling father in hopes that making him happy would mean he would attend. Did he show? He did not. Did he bother sending his regrets? No. Did we all have a good time without him? Hell, yeah!

Of course, that was an extreme example, but I’ve known several women who were nearly bald by their wedding days from tearing their hair out trying to juggle the warring expectations of two extended families with very different philosophies about how weddings should be conducted. Never forget, there was my good friend who spent the night before her wedding scouring the woods because her groom’s family was convinced it would never be clean enough for the purpose of joining two people in matrimony.

class-factotum, you are not alone. I thought Ian was kind of generic, too. Cute enough, and easygoing, but that was about it. I’ve known plenty of cats that fill that particular bill.

Anastasia, that’s the way to milk your own frog!

Since I grew up here and both my parents have been here for many many years, we took many American ideas into account. The bride having some say in the wedding is one of them, so I did have a say in all the details that mattered to me. However, in many cultures, the bride and groom are not supposed to be involved in the wedding preparations. They are considered the guests of honor. Why would they stress out about planning?

That being said, of course that movie exaggerates hilariously. But I think that it’s important to consider that different cultures do it different ways. The bride planning her wedding is a singularly western and modern tradition. My mom didn’t plan hers, and neither did some of my cousins or my aunts. There were a lot of things I did not decide about mine–what song I would walk down the aisle to, for example–and the ceremony required some things being certain ways that I perhaps wouldn’t have chosen myself. And my husband? Well, he was just happy he was marrying me, and sat through the whole thing with excellent grace (and some happiness too!) But I wouldn’t have had an American-style ceremony for the world. It’s just a different way of doing things!

There’s one scene in the movie Monsoon Wedding that kind of shows this mentality. The bride and her mom and sisters are out shopping for what she’s going to wear. The bride’s family goes into a shop and oohs and aahs over dresses… and the bride goes off to buy a popsicle! And her mom doesn’t even find it weird.

My mom did end up spending $ on things that I didn’t really care about, which was a source of frustration for me. But I have a wonderful father who loves us both and told me not to include those things as part of the budget. He really helped prevent arguments.

I’ve seen tons of posts about money/control issues on the bridal message board I’ve been visiting recently. A lot of people could benefit from the advice you just gave.