Following on the heels of those ubiquitous bridal checklists, you’ll find the slightly less common bridal beauty timelines. Sometimes they’re squished into one perfect package so you’re reminded to have yet another facial right around the time you ought to be breaking in your bridal shoes…TIP: wear tube socks over your heels to keep them whitey white white white.
In other instances the beauty timelines stand alone, like one I found at Chopstick Bride, which advises brides-to-be to start treating acne one year before the wedding, schedule four to six acid peels six months before the wedding, and begin drinking a gallon of water per day at a month before the wedding. Sadly, they offer no advice at all with regard to explaining those frequent bathroom breaks to coworkers and friends.
As silly as the gallon rule is, the treatments recommended on these lists are fairly non-invasive. It’s standard stuff–exfoliate, use a little cellulite cream, pat some soothing eye gel on those bags, and get plenty of sleep. These are guidelines more of us should probably take to heart whether or not we’re actually getting hitched.
However, the days of moderate pre-nuptial beauty regimens may be numbered, according to a Guardian article.
A recent report in Newsweek magazine highlighted the lengths that US women are going to in preparation for their wedding day, including teeth-straightening, Botox and extreme dieting. It cited academic research that found that 70% of US women who were engaged were trying to lose more than 20lb in time for their wedding, and a further 20% were closely monitoring their weight.
Of those who were trying to lose weight, more than 20% were taking an approach that the researchers perceived as “extreme”, including downing laxatives, vomiting after meals and adopting a new-found smoking habit as a way to stave off hunger pangs.
A bridal body image survey for You & Your Wedding magazine reveals that 91% of respondents intend to lose weight for their wedding, 7% are planning to have rhinoplasty, 8% are opting for breast enlargements and 5% are preparing for a breast reduction.
Now I’m all for looking one’s best–I’m pro facials, eyebrow shaping, and all that–but the thought of this new bridal beauty checklist that’s gaining popularity leaves me a bit queasy. It also doesn’t particularly lend itself to structured planning…
How many months or weeks before the wedding should I get my Botox injections to be sure they won’t wear off mid-vow, leaving me looking like the shar pei I apparently am? How soon should I schedule my surgeries to ensure that I don’t look stitched together like the Bride of Frankenstein? How many miles do I need to run to burn off the small undressed salad I had for lunch?
I’m going to say something I’ve said many times before, here, in wedding forums, and in iDo. You may be sick of hearing it, but when your man (or your woman) asked you to marry him (or her), you looked a certain way. Maybe that involved a few extra pounds or a bushy brow line, and maybe it didn’t.
In fact, it’s highly unlikely that your fiance (or fiancee) is looking forward to seeing you model skinny, model young, or model perfect. That’s why I just have to scream AAARGH! when I hear about shows like WEs Bulging Brides. No, your intended is just looking forward to seeing YOU, in all your wonderful you-ish glory. So get that chocolate scrub, get an eyelash perm, and learn how to properly deal with cuticles if you must, but if you’re considering going on a nutty crash diet or getting your boobs done just for the occasion, please think twice.
Amen! And on the Bulging Brides issue — I’ve watched a few times (yes, I am a voyeur) and I have yet to see a truly bulging bride. (And even if she were, so what?People are who they are and they make wedding dresses in all sizes.) All I see are lovely young women wearing dresses that are too tight.
A-freaking-men, NtB!
That is all.
Have you ever noticed that the Guardian always has something negative to say about US brides and how they are preparing for/hosting/whatever their weddings but they never have anything to say about the brides in their own country? Like..somehow I don’t think it’s only US brides who are bleaching their teeth and trying to lose weight before the wedding. And botox? Only in CA and NYC are these trends, I’d be willing to wager.
Perhaps a bride-to-be panics less over what her intended thinks than what her friends/relatives/guests will think. The groom presumably loves her as she is, but those in attendance at the wedding may well arrive prepared to pick apart every perceived imperfection in the hair, makeup, body, demeanor, taste, and character of the blushing bride.
Most people don’t do that, but some people (possibly more than one would hope) treat a wedding as a show, and see themselves as critics of the performers — particularly the bride, of course, but I have sat in the pews and heard remarks on the weight and hairstyles of the bridesmaids and the height and facial hair of the groomsmen.
Of course, that makes brides’ attempts to look perfect on the wedding day — or, worse, to cast a chorus line of perfect bridesmaids and groomsmen — even more pointless, because people like that will always find something to pick at.
When I hit up the local Bridal expo a few years ago, cosmetic dentists were aggressively flogging expensive cosmetic procedures like braces, veneers, tooth whitening (duh). They even paused the hot-guys-in-tuxes stage show to get in a plug for some dentist, so there must have been an awesome commission involved.
I’m delighted to say I somehow stumbled across a man who thinks I’m HOT, even as my hair reaches the dreaded 10% gray stage and utterly fail to avoid any signs of biological change. And for that, I feel pretty darn clever, much better than I would with a mouth full of veneers in an attempt to look all red carpet for a four-hour event.
Bridey–your comment about the guests picking apart the bride’s character/weight/appearance/emotional state is so sad. While our solution to bitter and battling relatives isn’t for everyone (we eloped, and are celebrating our 20th anniversary, also in private, this fall), surely NOT inviting the more beeyotchy relatives is a much less expensive answer than cosmetic procedures. You can save money by just paying the harpies to not show up!
Or better yet, elope. 🙂
I whitened my teeth some, with strips I bought at the drug store, after I looked into getting my teeth spiffied up at the dentist. Turns out that it’s mega pricey to get those professional treatments. Ah well, the drugstore stuff did the trick!
I agree with you, BigRed. There was – ALAS – one critical person I was obligated to invite to my wedding being that they were family, but other than that my invitations went to people who I knew would focus on having a good time…not the fact that we didn’t have a full bar or that my gown was kind of loose because I’d lost weight.
I genuinely felt like all I needed for my wedding day was a dress that fit me well, a hairstyle that flattered my face and wouldn’t fall apart during dancing, and a big, happy smile. I don’t look like a model in my wedding photos, but I don’t look like a model in my everyday life. In my wedding photos, I look like a more dressed up and more brilliantly happy version of my usual self.
(That isn’t to say I didn’t apply my makeup more carefully than usual or get a facial the week before, but those are normal things for me to do when I want to feel pretty.)
How soon am I supposed to start drinking my own urine, like those ladies in the picture?
I’m sure the answer to your question is on some checklist somewhere, weeza!