Happy Mother’s Day, everyone, from Twistie and Never Teh Bride!
Speaking of mothers…
I have a couple questions about the role of the mother of the bride in modern weddings. I hope this will encourage a lively discussion.
What role did/do you expect your mother to play in your wedding planning? Is/was it her show? Yours with her input? None of her business?
What about mother of the bride outfits? Something you want(ed)? Something she want(ed)? Or something you both feel/felt is/was unimportant? Are/were the choices designed for the purpose too frumpy? Too sexy? Just right?
Any other thoughts on the subject?
When I was planning my wedding, I pretty much expected my mamman to take a hands off approach…which she did. The only things she did that irked me was inviting someone without asking me first, but in the end I was quite glad that person attended. I wouldn’t have minded a bit more input as I really felt I was doing just about everything on my own. I envied the gals who had at least one fitting with mom there, but it just wasn’t to be!
As for the MOB outfit…that was the one thing my mamman really cared about. She made me drive into the city early one morning to watch her try on a variety of outfits and tell her which I preferred. I kept trying to tell her and my FMIL that I didn’t care either way. I did ask that mamman and her wifey wear hats, but that’s because I thought hats were just SO apropos at an afternoon garden party in a chic locale.
My wedding was very casual, so Mom’s MOB outfit was the same sort of lightweight summer skirt and knit top that she wore for any other occasion that required “nice but not fancy” clothes. And she stayed out of the planning completely, although she did offer an opinion if it was directly solicited. Maybe the fact that I was nearly 30 had something to do with that part of it; I suspect she’d have been more involved if I had been considerably younger.
I get easily overwhelmed by all of the decisions that have to be made when planning our wedding. My mother has been my rock through all of this, taking charge and helping me make these decisions and making sure things get done when they need to. I honestly feel that there’s no way this wedding would ever go through if it was just me.
She’s been far from overbearing in all of this. I have never once felt like she tried to turn the wedding into something she wanted, although there are quite a few things she and I disagreed about, like matching colors or invitation wording. But usually she argues because she is only concerned, not because she wants things her way. The biggest source of frustration has been that she is constantly second guessing decisions because of new worries that come to mind. I can’t handle that and I need to make a decision and stick to it without worrying about it. I’ve tried to tell my mother this is the one place she needs to butt out.
My mother’s attire is up in the air still. I’ve been pretty vocal about the fact that I want her to look good and NOT wear a pastel and frumpy overbeaded shapeless sack of a dress. That pretty much eliminates most local stores for dress choices, but my mother does not want to order a dress online. She’s said she’ll just surprise me but I’m really worried! I know that I should butt out and let her pick something she’ll feel comfortable in, but I can’t help but think she’ll buy something hideous and not show me until the wedding day.
My mother is the kind of person with great intentions that she just doesn’t follow through with, so I chose not to include her in most of the planning of the wedding. I don’t regret it for one minute.
As for her attire: we chose to have a coordinated look throughout the wedding so we asked my mom to find a floor length dress in navy blue and my MIL to find a floor length one in a pale blue. We told them both that if they couldn’t find anything they liked then they were welcome to wear any color. They both found coordinating gowns and looked fantastic!
My mom is a very no-fuss kind of person, and in her efforts to avoid causing me stress over the details of the wedding, she actually was a little less involved than I’d like. Didn’t want to come dress shopping with me, didn’t particularly want to see details of flowers or favors, and basically was content to let me tell her where and when to show up. I didn’t realize I cared about having her more involved until she wasn’t. But I will say that after our wedding, she told me that she loved every detail and it was better than she could have imagined (and it didn’t even feel like she was just saying it because she’s my mom!).
My mom is almost totally hands-off. She’s said several times that she’ll do anything I need done, but she is not one of the moms who’s dreamed of her daughter’s wedding for years and years, and she’s not particularly interested in which kind of paper I choose for the invitations or whether we give out favors. My parents’ wedding had 25 guests; my mom wore a pink dress she already owned, and I think my grandmothers cooked all the food. Big weddings just aren’t my mom’s “thing.”
I’m actually quite grateful that she’s so laissez-faire about everything. One of my friends had a really rough time with her mom, who basically wanted to use her daughter’s marriage as an excuse to re-create her own wedding. On the big day, the MOB wore (I kid you not) an ivory, floor-length, beaded, satin dress.
When my older sister was getting married my mom was indispensable. My sister and her Hubby-to-be didn’t have a car at the time so my mom drove them around to visit vendors venues. My mom doesn’t care a too much about the details herself but is happy to help you choose between A and B which worked wonderfully because my sister is super detailed oriented and indecisive.
She wore a skirt suit several shades lighter than the bridesmaid’s dresses. My sister’s MIL pitched a fit because my mother did not pick the color of her dress fast enough.
My BF called me last summer when his mother and sister were fighting over her wedding and said “it’s a very good thing our wedding with take place 500 miles away from my mother.” FSIL and her mother are wonderful, caring people. They also happen to have all the same personality flaws. FSIL was living with her parents during the planning and I’m amazed that they were on speaking terms by the end. FMIL kept saying “but that’s not what your sister did!” She seemed to think that their weddings should be identical and cost the same even though the weddings were over 7 years apart. She also wore a skirt suit in a lighter shade than the bridesmaids dresses. It was glittery and the glitter got all over the flower girl when FMIL picked her up. Everyone else who picked up the flower girl also ended up covered in glitter.
My mother wore a wine-colored skirt and matching velvet jacket. It took her forever to find an outfit–I think she bought and returned two other dresses, and bought and kept a third one (which I later swiped from her because it matched the tartan sash I wore at the wedding).
The wedding was my party, but the reception was mostly my mom. She was paying for it, so I gave some basic guidelines and let her have at it. She checked in with me periodically to make sure that what she was doing was fine, but she made almost all the decisions, from the band and food down to the table decorations. My husband and I just wanted our guests to have a good time, we didn’t care how it was managed. My mother is a fabulous hostess, and planned a party that our guests raved about for three months afterwards.
My mom stayed out of it completely. They only helped for a small portion of the costs, so that might have been why. Also, I was thirty, so I like to think that she felt I was capable of handling things on my own.
As for her dress, she knew the color palette of the evening, and chose her dress according to that. I let her choose whatever she wanted, and it was lovely. I had a formal wedding and she wore a long beaded dress in sort of a pewter color.
Mine’s been involved in some stuff but has left us to a lot of it. She lives in the village where we’re getting married, which is only 4 miles from the reception venue, so she’s been really useful to have ‘on the ground’ so to speak. She’s also been a good liaison with my dad’s family who are all a bit difficult to contact. We had a fun day shopping for her outfit and she’s been really involved in my dress and accessories. I just wish she’d stop asking me if I’m sure about everything!