Bridesmaid Contracts: Trend or Myth?
By TwistieA good friend recently forwarded a Newsweek article to me about extravagant - excuse me, extreme - wedding trends. Number two on the list was the dreaded Bridesmaid Pre-Nuptual Agreement, or bridesmaid contract.
While the brides interviewed for this part of the article a) refused to give their names and b) were not directly quoted, the article assures us that lots of brides are doing this in order to make sure they have perfect wedding days. After all, if a bridesmaid neglects her skin for a few weeks and winds up with a zit that morning, or she dares to wear her eyebrow ring, we all know the entire wedding will be ruined! Let us not even whisper of the vileness of a bridesmaid who gets pregnant before Myyyyy Daaaayyyyyyy!
On the other hand, according to the article such a contract costs anywhere from $5,000 to $10,000 to be properly drawn up by a lawyer. That alone seems to me to make the idea at the very least financially impractical for the average bride. Hmmm…I can afford to feed my one hundred guests a nice dinner and give them some good champagne to drink, or I can draw up a legal document and force my best friend and two sisters to agree not to flirt with the groomsmen. Which should I spend the money on? Oh, Uncle Joe won’t miss the prime rib. I’ll just feed him a breath mint if he gets stroppy.
I would also think there’s a very good chance that presenting your nearest and dearest with such a contract might make the issue moot simply because that’s when many a self-respecting bridesmaid will quit and never speak to the bride again.
Most interesting to me, though, was the fact that the Newsweek article linked to an article at the American Bar Association website to show us this growing trend…and the article at the ABA just plain doesn’t show any such thing.
In fact, the article, which ran in February of this year, doesn’t discuss something that American brides are doing, but rather an article that ran in the Daily Mail around the time that revealed the results of a British survey conducted by You & Your Wedding magazine wherein 20% of the one thousand respondents ticked the box that said they would like to have such a contract, and only about half of them went on to tick the box that said they’d fire a bridesmaid who broke the contract. The ABA article goes on to state that while the editor of You & Your Wedding thinks bridesmaid contracts are going to be big soon, no evidence existed that they were already in use.
But when you look at the actual quote from the magazine editor, even that’s lukewarm toward the issue. Here’s the quote the ABA article pulled from the Daily Mail article:
“Planning weddings can be a stressful time for brides, and management issues with bridesmaids can ruin both the anticipation and the big day,” says editor Colette Harris. “While our contract is meant to be tongue-in-cheek, the survey demonstrates that issues with bridesmaids are of concern. Perhaps contracts are the way forward.”
Not really the ringing endorsement promised by the article. Sure, she says it might happen and she doesn’t seem to be against it, but she’s not precisely gushing with delight over the prospect, either.
So if the American Bar Association says it isn’t being done, where is Newsweek getting the price tag from? They don’t say. If they interviewed actual brides who have used such contracts on the record, why are there no pull quotes at all? If so many women are merrily forcing their best girlfriends and sisters to sign legal contracts preventing them from getting drunk at the reception, why are they not presenting similar contracts to the groomsmen, flower girls, and ring bearers?
And if nobody can point to a bridesmaid contract that wasn’t a joke and didn’t appear in an episode of Bridezillas…then why are so many articles being written about this so-called trend?
Methinks I smell a big ol’ honkin’ rat.
June 14th, 2008 at 12:26 pm
Twistie, I’m with you: I smell a “trend” invented by a journalist who heard an urban legend and decided it would make a great story.
Personally, if I read one more “OMG weddings are so commercial and consumerist and Teh Big Bad Wedding Industry of Capitalism is ruining marriage and love as we know it and brides are CRAZY” article (like this one from the Times of London: http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/comment/columnists/janice_turner/article4133027.ece), I’m going to scream. Yes, some couples are going overboard. Yes, some brides are narcissistic and crazy. But I do not know any of these people personally. The brides I know have been excited about their weddings, but also focused on the comfort and happiness of their guests and operating on a budget well below the alleged “average” of £20K or $30k or whatever the latest made-up figure is. I think there are several journalists who look at a few bridal magazines and pictures of Mariah Carey’s wedding and pretend that somehow represents a picture of what most people’s weddings look like. It’s lazy journalism. Bah! I say.
June 14th, 2008 at 12:35 pm
I wrote about an article concerning this very topic that appeared in the Telegraph so this silly story definitely made the rounds in England. Do I think it’s a real trend? Heck no. The Telegraph article calls it an “American-style tend,” yet there are apparently no American brides-to-be hiring lawyers to draw up these contracts. Then there’s the referential nature of the story — if it began as an American trend, why is the ABA citing a British article?
It could be that the ladies themselves are creating contractesque documents, but I doubt that…unless we’re talking about those sorry jokesters whose jokes just plain went too far. That, I can believe! What’s funny when taken in context becomes abhorrent when taken out of context and goes on to be dubbed a trend when it’s lodged itself deeply enough into the collective consciousness.
June 14th, 2008 at 1:07 pm
Melissa B, so with you as is so often the case. People forget with averages that there are million dollar celebrity extravaganzas being averaged in with backyard and quickie chapel ceremonies that set the couple back less than a grand, as well as the more-or-less standard church followed by banquet hall or B&B lawn celebration. And while I’m all for being frugal and saving the sheckles for other purposes like acquiring a permanent home or getting an advanced education…I’ve got no problem with someone who has the money choosing to splash out a bit on a wedding. The price tag of the event (in either direction) does not determine the commitment of the couple involved.
I think this obsession with bridesmaid contracts is part of the cultural assumption that brides are completely irrational. All of the women I’ve known who were a bit on the irrational side while planning their weddings, were that way to begin with. Most have been perfectly level-headed.
NtB, I remember your article. I, too, find it amazing that an American publication would need to quote a British article to find evidence of a growing ‘American’ trend.
Like you, I think there have been a couple jokes that got taken badly and a few rants from generally irrational brides, and suddenly people start writing it up because of the insatiable public interest in brides behaving like Martians.
Until someone can show me some serious evidence I will continue to think of this so-called trend about the way I think of Bigfoot. There’s ‘evidence’, but not any that I can take seriously.
June 14th, 2008 at 1:38 pm
I disagree with a contract but I think sitting down and discussing what responsibilities the BP will have helps everyone!
June 14th, 2008 at 1:45 pm
Linda, I absolutely agree that clear communication is important. Some brides expect nothing more of their bridesmaids than showing up on time dressed in a way that won’t get them arrested for public indecency. Others expect help with all wedding projects, hem inspection two hours before photos, and matching updos. Most expect something in between the extremes. Whatever is or isn’t expected, a frank discussion is helpful.
June 14th, 2008 at 2:44 pm
My one hope, Twistie, is that seeing all of these articles (and hasn’t it just gotten way out of hand?) won’t inspire brides-to-be on the edge to go over the falls in a barrel. I can imagine a slightly mental but not entirely out of her head gal thinking to herself, “Well, seeing as that other brides are doing this, it can’t be that bad of an idea…”
June 15th, 2008 at 2:28 pm
To that, NtB, I can only say a hearty ‘amen!’
So brides who have seen some of these articles about bridesmaid’s contracts? Don’t drink the Kook Aid. It’s not needed and it’s a great way to drive your best friends off. Don’t draw up a legal document to insist on something that can be discussed in a completely rational and unthreatening way.
Oh, and while you’re at it, try to keep any requirements reasonable. Asking someone to show up on time wearing what’s been agreed upon is reasonable. Requesting (not demanding) help with wedding-related shopping/DIY projects is reasonable. Demanding that someone put their reproductive plans on hold for a year or that they have a beloved tattoo removed is not.