You win some…you Wang some
By Never teh BrideIt’s been said that the reason most people love to watch acrobatics soar through the air is that they’re hoping to see at least one tights-clad performer go splat. If that’s true, it would explain the glee I feel when looking at some of the dresses in Vera Wang’s spring 2009 collection.
Oh, some of the frocks are lovely — this one, for example, is beautiful but rather boring — but many are absolutely horrid. Most, however, would look right at home in an episode of classic Star Trek. I’m looking at this one, in particular.
Now this gown covers the midsection with a big ol’ scrunched up mess of fabric, and if there’s anything ladies like, it’s embellishments that emphasize (and add girth to) their midsections. Wait, I have that backward — that’s precisely what 99.9% of brides-to-be DON’T like. But maybe I’m being too hash… Is this dress in the process of spawning? Is that how new gowns come into the world? Ah, the miracle of life!
I feel a bit sorry for the model wearing this frock. First, she’s forced to go down the runway in an outfit that hasn’t been finished (as is evidenced by the unattached sleeves) and then, to add insult to injury, the left sleeve has begun making its way down her arm in a frantic bid for sweet, sweet freedom. All I know is that Ms. Wang better work the kinks out of this cheeky little number.
New, for the discriminating yet mentally unstable bride — a gown with a straitjacket built right in! Also wonderful for reining in runaway brides and preventing sudden outbreaks of the Chicken Dance. Whatever else you think about this dress, you can at least be sure she won’t fly away!
The first time I tried to sew something without a pattern, it came out looking a bit like this. ‘Nuff said.
Carrying around a handbag full of essentials during the reception is such a drag, right? Vera Wang has listened to the concern of wrist-weary brides everywhere and has finally come up with a workable solution. You’ll never worry about headaches, indigestion, or rogue periods again when your wedding day emergency kit is right there in your pocket…your giant mutant pocket from hell, that is. It’s also great for those who are culture-bound to hold a money dance.
I like to know that the people who make my clothes and other accessories for good living are doing their part to minimize waste. This gown, for example, was obviously created from the spare parts. And why not? A strap here, a bow there, and a diagonal line of ruffles should all come together to form a perfectly cohesive dress, right? Right?
Finally, a frock for brides-to-be who worry that their backyard barbecue receptions will sully their carefully polished wedding-day look. Who needs to go hunting for a serviette when there are at least four napkins hanging from the midsection of your gown? The party can go on unimpeded!
June 16th, 2008 at 7:39 am
Goodness, talk about karmic coincidences! I created something nearly identical to that first gown, this very weekend!
The difference is that I used paper towels, and I had the excuse of a riproaring sinus infection.
I would love to what Ms. Wang’s reasoning/excuse was. (And is it just me, or does that xylophonic ruching in Excrescence #2 really, really highlight the poor model’s bony, ribby chest?)
June 16th, 2008 at 8:30 am
Actually, it’s obvious the first gown is for when Bridesmaid #5 shows up with something on her gown! Just detach, die, and go! In a pinch, you can even lend it to your friend who has “issues” with formal wear!
June 16th, 2008 at 8:46 am
I love her out-there stuff … I love most of these gowns. Except #2. I hate shiny fabric much less in wedding gowns, and even she can’t make it work, it seems.
June 16th, 2008 at 11:55 am
I must take exception to the description of the first one as belonging in a classic Star Trek episode. No matter how bizarre, tacky, or just plain impractical to wear the gowns those space vixens lounged about the stars in, they were almost invariably (ahem) agressively body conscious.
But if you’re talking about some of the blobbier rubber monsters, I stand corrected. Vorta, I’m looking at you.
June 16th, 2008 at 11:56 am
I think Dress #2 is an ode to the skinny model and all the work they put into having ribs being that visible. Dress #3, on the other hand, looks like an ode to a Japanese Geisha in half dress.
June 16th, 2008 at 12:24 pm
When I was looking at gowns, I couldn’t understand the love that people had for Vera Wang, as her runway stuff was mostly so hideous and not anything that anyone would actually wear at a wedding. Then I realized that she probably didn’t actually mean brides to wear those, that she had a salon filled with with sleek sheaths and ballgowns. That’s it, right? It’s like high fashion designers who send their models out dressed as pirates in fuchsia eyeshadow. They don’t expect people to buy those outfits, they’re for the magazines, they have a much toned-down collection for actual consumers.
June 16th, 2008 at 12:53 pm
Is Vera on her meds? I looked at the entire collection and there is either multiple designers or a schizophrenic mind involved. Several of those gowns are magnificient! These are just biazarre! And you left out the one with the giant belly bow.
June 16th, 2008 at 4:52 pm
And I used to think that Vera Wang loved brides….
June 16th, 2008 at 5:04 pm
Forget the dresses, all these models look like they could do with a wash and a decent helping of blush. Oh, and smiling. I hate the “it hurts to be this pretty” face in general, but I really do feel bridal shows should be given a pass. If your model can’t even be bothered to pretend to like your dress when she’s being paid for it, why would I want to spend thousands to hate it on the “happiest day of my life”?
It’s hard for me to like the dress when it is so clearly wearing the model instead of the other way around. Some would say the fashion show should be about the dress, not the model, but if someone who is pretty enough to be paid for it is overpowered by your creation, how could a regular person ever hope to get eyes on her face, not her dress? Perhaps that’s why none of them bothered to brush their hair or slap on some lipstick.
June 16th, 2008 at 11:20 pm
Leah, they have no choice about hair or makeup. Believe it or not, it is the DESIGNER that directs the aesthetics of the models. While most of these children have an eating disorder, they could have presented the aura of health and happiness if the director (i.e. designer …Vera Wang…) had decided the collection would look better with living people as opposed to walking dead.
June 18th, 2008 at 8:06 am
Would someone please send these girls a sandwich?