It’s been said that the reason most people love to watch acrobatics soar through the air is that they’re hoping to see at least one tights-clad performer go splat. If that’s true, it would explain the glee I feel when looking at some of the dresses in Vera Wang’s spring 2009 collection.
Oh, some of the frocks are lovely — this one, for example, is beautiful but rather boring — but many are absolutely horrid. Most, however, would look right at home in an episode of classic Star Trek. I’m looking at this one, in particular.
Now this gown covers the midsection with a big ol’ scrunched up mess of fabric, and if there’s anything ladies like, it’s embellishments that emphasize (and add girth to) their midsections. Wait, I have that backward — that’s precisely what 99.9% of brides-to-be DON’T like. But maybe I’m being too hash… Is this dress in the process of spawning? Is that how new gowns come into the world? Ah, the miracle of life!
I feel a bit sorry for the model wearing this frock. First, she’s forced to go down the runway in an outfit that hasn’t been finished (as is evidenced by the unattached sleeves) and then, to add insult to injury, the left sleeve has begun making its way down her arm in a frantic bid for sweet, sweet freedom. All I know is that Ms. Wang better work the kinks out of this cheeky little number.
New, for the discriminating yet mentally unstable bride — a gown with a straitjacket built right in! Also wonderful for reining in runaway brides and preventing sudden outbreaks of the Chicken Dance. Whatever else you think about this dress, you can at least be sure she won’t fly away!
The first time I tried to sew something without a pattern, it came out looking a bit like this. ‘Nuff said.
Carrying around a handbag full of essentials during the reception is such a drag, right? Vera Wang has listened to the concern of wrist-weary brides everywhere and has finally come up with a workable solution. You’ll never worry about headaches, indigestion, or rogue periods again when your wedding day emergency kit is right there in your pocket…your giant mutant pocket from hell, that is. It’s also great for those who are culture-bound to hold a money dance.
I like to know that the people who make my clothes and other accessories for good living are doing their part to minimize waste. This gown, for example, was obviously created from the spare parts. And why not? A strap here, a bow there, and a diagonal line of ruffles should all come together to form a perfectly cohesive dress, right? Right?
Finally, a frock for brides-to-be who worry that their backyard barbecue receptions will sully their carefully polished wedding-day look. Who needs to go hunting for a serviette when there are at least four napkins hanging from the midsection of your gown? The party can go on unimpeded!