It’s been said that the reason most people love to watch acrobatics soar through the air is that they’re hoping to see at least one tights-clad performer go splat. If that’s true, it would explain the glee I feel when looking at some of the dresses in Vera Wang’s spring 2009 collection.

Oh, some of the frocks are lovely — this one, for example, is beautiful but rather boring — but many are absolutely horrid. Most, however, would look right at home in an episode of classic Star Trek. I’m looking at this one, in particular.

Now this gown covers the midsection with a big ol’ scrunched up mess of fabric, and if there’s anything ladies like, it’s embellishments that emphasize (and add girth to) their midsections. Wait, I have that backward — that’s precisely what 99.9% of brides-to-be DON’T like. But maybe I’m being too hash… Is this dress in the process of spawning? Is that how new gowns come into the world? Ah, the miracle of life!

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When you head to either your friendly neighborhood caterer, your own cookbook shelf, or your favorite group of church ladies to work out your wedding reception menu, a great many concerns will affect your final choices: price, personal taste, known food issues among your nearest and dearest (allergies, moral or religious dietary restrictions, cousin Wendy’s legendary phobia of Brussels sprouts), cultural expectations, etc.

But there’s one thing that most likely won’t even enter your thoughts: availability.

We’re spoiled for choice today. If strawberries aren’t in season, we can get them from another hemisphere or an agricultural concern that creates the correct circumstances for strawberries to grow all year round. If we want lemongrass, it doesn’t have to grow nearby. Freezing techniques allow us to have duck, venison, or lamb whatever the time of year. Corn on the cob in December? Not a problem.

Back through the mists of time, though, what you ate depended far more heavily on where you were and what time of year it happened to be. If you wanted oysters but lived inland, you might well be out of luck. If the only fruit trees in the local orchards were apple and peach, then good luck coming up with oranges. Oh, and if you wanted a cake, it took much stronger arms to whisk the ingredients since you wouldn’t have a nice stand mixer to whip the butter and eggs for you. Excuse me for a moment while I go pet my KitchenAid.

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A good friend recently forwarded a Newsweek article to me about extravagant – excuse me, extreme – wedding trends. Number two on the list was the dreaded Bridesmaid Pre-Nuptual Agreement, or bridesmaid contract.

While the brides interviewed for this part of the article a) refused to give their names and b) were not directly quoted, the article assures us that lots of brides are doing this in order to make sure they have perfect wedding days. After all, if a bridesmaid neglects her skin for a few weeks and winds up with a zit that morning, or she dares to wear her eyebrow ring, we all know the entire wedding will be ruined! Let us not even whisper of the vileness of a bridesmaid who gets pregnant before Myyyyy Daaaayyyyyyy!

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The beautiful Francesca has been celebrating BBB — that would be “big beautiful brides” — over at Manolo for the Big Girl as of late, and I thought I’d hop on the bandwagon. Two posts, both inspired by reader questions, sparked the convo, and I thought I’d put in my two cents.

The first inquiry came from a bride-to-be who feels slighted by the salons she’s visited, but is afraid to buy her gown online because of the rigid no-return policies many online bridal shops have adopted.

She also wants to look like a princess while spending less than $500. I’d recommend this ivory chiffon gown from Torrid Bride. Mind you, the princess I’m picturing is the dignified Audrey Hepburn sort rather than the poufy Cinderella sort, which isn’t really what the reader had in mind. But it’s lovely, it looks comfortable, it costs a mere $220, there’s not a halter in sight, and as far as I can tell, it’s returnable as long as it’s sent back unworn before 45 days have passed.

Hey, there are all sorts of princesses out there! And I always tell my engaged galpals that they should try on all sorts of dresses because the most unexpected gown is sometimes the most beautiful one.

The second inquiry came from a bride-to-be planning a daytime courthouse wedding followed by a small reception. Unlike the first reader, she is “not given to froufrou” in her attire.

Is this frock froufrou? I have not a clue, but I do know that the defined waist and dipping neckline will emphasize what she wants emphasized while the full-ish skirt will hide what she would prefer remain hidden. I can imagine it paired with a large hat in black, pink, or white, and a small bouquet of loosely tied roses. The best part? It costs a mere $70!

PS — I was recently interviewed for an article about online wedding planning for Smartmoney.com and for an article all about iDo for the New York Daily News! Once the former hits the airwaves, I’ll link to it here, and I’ll do my best to scan the latter when it comes out.

All right, I’ll admit it. I love saying “Swati Argade.” While I have no idea how one ought to say it, I’ve certainly enjoyed trying out different permutations of the Indian-American clothing designer and entrepreneur’s name.

Let me preface this edition of LOVE/HATE by saying that these designs are something like two years old. I can’t be sure they’re still out there. Basically, I enjoy saying (and reading) the names “Swati” and “Argade” so much that I found myself compelled to ignore the age of these designs.

Besides, it’s wedding season, and those people who have been invited to attend said weddings are frequently looking for a little inspiration. I know this because these lucky — depending on how you look at it — individuals often reach out to me to ask what they should wear to a wedding taking place in such-and-such a location at such-and-such a time.

I’ll spare you any further blathering on my part and simply say that I LOVE these two exteremely versatile outfits. Were I to see them on a duo of fellow guests at a wedding I was enjoying, I’d have to corner the chicks in the ladies room to ask where they purchased their clothes. In fact, considering what I do for a living, I’d probably gush so long and so hard that they’d begin to fear for their personal safety.

This, on the other hand…well, it…how about I just point out that every designer will have her hits and have her misses? It’s HATE all the way.

Honestly, I cannot even begin to describe what is going on here. It’s like someone tookthree or four unrelated pieces of clothes and, much like Dr. Frankenstein, used some form of unholy science to merge them into one schizophrenic outfit.

What say you?

What does £240,000 of wedding gown look like? A little something like this, apparently:

Some gals dedication a huge slice of the budget to their day-of frocks. This is a dress for brides-to-be for whom money is no object! It was designed by Mauro Adami, who — according to the Daily Mail – once made Keith Richards a platinum jacket.

Wait, wait, wait. Is that an impressive credential? No matter. The gown, which I personally do not find particularly attractive, was crafted from fabric spun from threads of silk and platinum. That may sound pricey, but it’s actually not actually the MOST expensive wedding gown in the WORLD. Take, for example, the diamond-encrusted $12 million gown created by jeweler Martin Katz and dressmaker Renee Strauss!

What is it with blah (or even bleah) wedding gowns that cost more than my house? Personally, I’d much rather have Jerry Hall’s white lace Anthony Price wedding dress:

The former model put a whole mess of her clothing up on the auction block to benefit Emmaus . Sure, this frock a little dated, but all-in-all still serviceable. The best part? It was only expected to fetch around £400. How’s that for reasonable!

The emerging gay wedding demographic has come up quite a bit here at Manolo for the Brides as of late. With the California Supreme Court’s recent ruling — go Cali! — you can bet that there are scads of couples are sprinting toward the altar.

You can also rightly assume that “gay weddings” (a term I really dislike because it’s not a gayyyyyy wedding, it’s just a wedding) are all over the news. Why, just this morning I was knocking back the first latte of the day and listening to NPR when a story came on about Renellie, maker of what they call the world’s first interracial and interchangeable wedding cake toppers.

I do dispute the claim, because there are plenty of topper shops that let you buy figurines individually, whether you want an Asian bride and an Asian groom or an African American bride and a Native American bride or just one white groom because your fiance is a furry and you’re going to pair it with a statue of an anthropomorphic fox.

And yet, I’ve got to hand it to topper designer Rena Puebla for loudly jumping on the same-sex-wedding-friendly vendor bandwagon because my own mother was pretty well ensconced in the proverbial closet not twenty years ago. We’ve come a long way, baby!

The idea for interracial, interchangeable wedding cake toppers sprang fully formed into Puebla’s mind when she, an African American chick engaged to an Asian dude, was unable to find a topper that looked like her and her intended.

“When two people fall in love and become engaged,” she says, “there is so much going on in their lives that the last thing they should have to worry about is the unfamiliar and awkward representation of themselves on the cake.”

So where do I stand on the toppers themselves? I appreciate that Puebla has good intentions, and $70 per couple isn’t entirely unreasonable for a 7″ handpainted figure. I would imagine — though I cannot say for sure — that it must be refreshing to see a statuette of oneself when one has been “left out in the cold” for some time. And maybe, just maybe, same-sex couples in the US have been barred from officially enjoying the traditionalesque wedding for so long that they crave matrimony with all the trimmings.

But really, when it comes right down to it, these toppers are just not all that attractive. I’d much rather see something kooky like two G.I. Joes or something indicative of the couple’s interests like, say, a surfboard and an astrological symbol*. How about some Matchbox cars or two different busts of Tutankhamen or a couple of those cute birds Ann Wood makes?

Heck, if you want a topper that looks like you, get some mini frames, take some cute snapshots, and stick ‘em in the cake. Problem solved!

* I’m looking at you, mom!