If you’ve been fretting because there’s no one out there who recognizes the special love that exists between you and your cat/dog/budgie/salamander/ferret, I have some good news to share. While human-animal marriage isn’t legally recognized by any modern nation, there’s finally a site you can visit to formalize your union.
Marry Your Pet is a service that helps people marry pets because, as they put it, “Marriage is for life when your pet is the wife.” Presumably, also the groom, though there aren’t as many crafty rhymes. All you need to do to get married is propose to your pet, wait for he/she/it to accept (I recommend asking just before dinner), fill out a form, PayPal over ten to 200 British pounds, and wait for your marriage certificate to arrive via post.
Not ready to take the plunge? A site founder can help you decide if marriage is right for you. You can also talk to those already married — at least those with thumbs — on the message boards or browse snapshots of happy newlyweds.
Let’s see what people are saying about their new husbands and wives:
She’s the best brood bitch in the world.
Being twins, I do not favour one over the other, so I married both my tabby boys.
She’d have left if I didn’t commit.
Does it count if the bride walks off halfway through?
Ah, young love! It brings a tear to my eye!
Once you’ve tied the knot, don’t think you’re out of options. Should your relationship take a turn for the worse, you can get a quickie divorce on another part of the site. Pet shrinks and councilors promise to make the process as painless as possible for both you and your pet.
Didn’t some woman try to marry a dolphin a few years back too? I don’t think it worked out but maybe she can try again.
What, no animal husbandry jokes?
Somehow all I can think of is a routine Ellen DeGeneris did on same-sex marriage a few years back where she said in a very confused tone: “but I don’t want to marry a goat. Really, I don’t.” at the conflation of same-sex marriage with beastiality.
I don’t want to marry my cat. Really, I don’t.
Wow, I consider myself to be reasonably open-minded.
Portia and Ellen, bring it on … But, this is more than I am capable of bringing into my realm.
Kim
blablover5: There was indeed a woman-dolphin pairing, but unfortunately the dolphin passed away leaving a widow in his wake.
May I suggest ‘marriage until doom, when your pet is the groom’?
Does anyone else find this as weird and creepy as I do? I love my cat, but marry him? Ridiculous!
I already had one marriage where he was indifferent, I did all of the work, and our interests didn’t mesh. I refuse to make the same mistake again therefore, my cats will not push me into another unequal marriage. (Aside from the fact that the boys are gay and a little incestuous being brothers).
I would normally just roll my eyes at the extent to which folks enjoy taking their hobbies, but in truth, for any marriage to work, both partners need to be adults who can give informed consent. Anything else is just … squicky.
I may actually be at a loss for words. Loving your pet and “loving” your pet are very different. How do they respond to the Do You questions? With a face lick, a howl or just blinking will do?! Very interesting.
This is an insult to the marriage equality movement.
To be fair, it sounds like the site is in on the joke. It simply has to be.
This post is making me nauseous. Those people should be in jail or a mental institution. Either way, they’re not stable.
The guy from India married a dog to atone for cruelty to animals when he was 15. He thought it would lift the curse. Some eastern religions have mock marriages to animals to ward off bad luck or bring blessings to the village. Sex is not involved. Now we do have cuckoos that marry their pet for a kick. Hopefully it’s not sexual, it’s just like getting a tattoo (a symbol of commitment or memory). Any other reason is sick and weird.
Wasn’t there some guy in Vermont or NH who wanted to marry his dog for sexual reasons and his dad beat him up and the dad got charged? I tried to google it, but I didn’t want to use the combination of “sex,” “dog” and “man” for obvious reasons.
Are you kidding me? The people who are doing it for kicks aren’t going to be the ones actually DOING this. People who have sex with animals are going to get marriage certificates and use them as a justification for continued perversion. Just check out this link for an example of animal wifery gone wrong.
I’m not the kind to use the word perversion in such a sense, as I’m generally a Savage Love 3G’s kind of girl, but creating anything that could lend validity to acted-upon zoophilia is NOT something that should be mentioned in the same breath with ‘marriage equality’.