Manolo for the Brides

I want to touch on the topic of shaving. Armpits, legs, and…more sensitive areas get a lot of media play in the world inhabited by blushing brides-to-be, for obvious reasons. Necks and cheeks, on the other hand, don’t spend a lot of time in the pre-nuptial spotlight.

It makes sense if you think about it. There are hundreds of resources that gals can turn to as they prep themselves for the big day, while there are very few places that advise grooms-to-be to do anything beyond “get out of her way” and “show up sober” and “don’t lose the ring.” I’ll admit that I don’t devote a lot of posts to groomcentric issues — this is Manolo for the Brides, after all — but sites like the newly revamped Groom Groove tell me that a whole new generation of dudes is preparing to tie the knot.

For example, Kirk wrote to ask:

Is there a better way for grooms to shave on the wedding day? They’re photographed with better cameras than they’re used to, and even a clean-shaven guy can end up looking like Fred Flintstone when the proofs come back… I know I messed this up at my wedding, with some unclever ideas. I was worried about missing a spot shaving, and thought I should let it grow out a few days before so I could see that I got everything. Well I got everything, but still the dreaded “noon-o’clock shadow” was visible! Was there something else I should have done?

I know The Beard is fond of the shaving ritual, so I approached him first in my foray into this most manly of arts. He swears by his Geo F. Trumpers shaving cream (which smells soooo good) and his Rein Dachs lather brush, and he looked shadow-free in our wedding photos. Then again, he’s a redhead and his skin can be rather ruddy, so he had a distinct advantage over dudes with fair skin and dark hair.

I turned next to my grandfather, who looked perfectly hair free in the close-up shots people took of him at the wedding. He has, for years, opted not for two, three, four, of five blades, but for the simple old-fashioned safety razor. While it seems counterintuitive, he swears by it.

A little more research showed me that old school is in when it comes to hair removal and that shaving officiant swear up and down that yesterday’s tools result in a smoother, longer-lasting shave. Wetshaving is the buzzword I came across again and again, in articles on MSNBC claiming that “A dull disposable razor dragged across a layer of foam or gel on your cheeks is a step backward from the past, not an improvement,” on forums like Badger & Blade, and on blogs like ShaveBlog and Mantic59’s Shaving Blog.

Mantic59 even produced a series of seven videos on the subject, beginning with this one:

Obviously I cannot speak to the validity of the claims made on blogs and in videos, seeing as that I have never shaved my face. I should say that no everyone agrees with the old schoolers out there. It works for The Beard and it works for my grandfather, but it obviously doesn’t work for this guy:

A badger hair brush is all right, for the pikers and fifteen year olds who are cultivating that “did I just have some chocolate milk or is it a mustache look”, real men rip the head off the badger (preferably Mauritanian NOT the ones from Brussels, which are actually a kind of non-swimming water rat, think Nutria but unable to swim or even float) and lather that up with some Vendigliani Otrusco, which is a Sicilian emollientie di priapari (lit. boner cream). By all means use an English lavender scented creme if all you are going to do is spend the rest of the day comparing man purses down at the emo-record shop, but if you are trying to emulate the real leading male lights of the century you are going to need at least the Vendigliani, the scent of which Graham Greene once noted “… most resembles that of toasted almonds, with perhaps just a tint, a mere suggestion, of stale urine.”

Finally using a blade at all smacks of Oscar Wilde on poppers levels of limp-wristedness (you might as well try to have some kind of man-baby and spend the rest of your life baking orange zest muffins). Real men, true men, (like Kaiser Wilheim, the last actual MALE man who ever lived) merely lather up and then, elbows clasped tightly to the sides, perhaps two inches above the kidneys, sprint at top speed towards a coral reef at low tide and with a last light (but masculine) leap, scrape off 1/18th of their face, per side, per day. If no coral is available it is best to grow a beard, as attempting the same thing on pumice or god help us, volcanic rock is akin to living ones’ life as a Spaniard.

…and there you have it.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, July 22nd, 2008 at 5:00 am and is filed under Grooms. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.