Manolo for the Brides

Months and months ago, I wrote about a Guardian article that referenced a Newsweek article that referenced a bridal body image survey for You & Your Wedding magazine. The problem with the story, the way I saw it, was that the various articles and surveys focused on brides who were purging or using laxatives to lose weight, getting pre-nuptial breast augmentation surgeries, and having their teeth straightened. Botox-laden brides and bridesmaids were not stepping forward to tell their stories.

Thank goodness for the New York Times, right? The Gray Lady has ensured that brides-to-be who want to be on the forefront of all emerging trends will feel comfortable asking their moms and attendants to get a chemical peel, some dermal filler injections, or a touch of Botox.

“Most women, when they come in here, they want it,” said Camille Meyer, the owner of TriBeCa MedSpa. “They know they’re aging*.”

For Karen Hohenstein, who held her [Botox] party at the Tiffani Kim Institute Medical Wellness Spa in Chicago, convincing her friends was as smooth as a Botoxed forehead. “It wasn’t me saying, ‘Hey, we all could use a little something,’” she said. “It was, ‘I want to do this,’ and a couple of people said, ‘I do, too.’”

A certain Stacey Berlin even said these words to her future mother-in-law: “I’m serious. [Botox is] exactly what you need to freshen up.” Way to foster good relations with your future family!

Not that I have anything against cosmetic procedures, mind you, but if I was a bridesmaid and the bride-to-be suggested I get microdermabrasion sanding session or plumped up with Restylane, I’d sock her one just before bowing out of the wedding party. I’ll decide when I’m looking old and haggard, thank you very much, and I’ll decide what I’m going to do about it, if anything. Manicures and margaritas? YES, PLEASE. Botox and Bahama Mamas? Screw that.

*omg omg omg not aaaaaging! kill me now before i can get any older!

I am in total lust with this vintage frock I found at Violetville Vintage. White lace and pink taffeta come together in a fitted bodice and a super full skirt that gets its volume from built-in crinoline. A lace-trimmed band in the middle defines a gal’s waist without emphasizing anything you don’t want emphasized. Naturally, it’s totally tiny, as many vintage dresses are.

When I laid eyes upon it, my first thought was that it could make an adorable wedding dress for a fun, flirty, girly bride who wasn’t looking for anything too formal.

What say you?

Looking for a novel cake that isn’t a life-size statue of yourself or the disembodied head of Michael Jackson?

How about a feather cake? Don’t worry — it’s entirely edible. What look like feathers are actually slices of rice paper coated in a light dusting of edible glitter! The cake itself is hidden beneath the “feathers,” and the flavors offered by one British baker include dark chocolate with creamy ganache, citrus sponge with lemon curd, and traditional fruit cake with marzipan.

All of the sources I’ve found for feather cakes are across one pond or another, so it may be some time before brides in the U.S. can opt for this choice. Until then, you can replicate it by going a bit overboard with actual feather embellishments. Just remember to remind your server to remove all of the feathers before cutting and serving your cake!

I want to touch on the topic of shaving. Armpits, legs, and…more sensitive areas get a lot of media play in the world inhabited by blushing brides-to-be, for obvious reasons. Necks and cheeks, on the other hand, don’t spend a lot of time in the pre-nuptial spotlight.

It makes sense if you think about it. There are hundreds of resources that gals can turn to as they prep themselves for the big day, while there are very few places that advise grooms-to-be to do anything beyond “get out of her way” and “show up sober” and “don’t lose the ring.” I’ll admit that I don’t devote a lot of posts to groomcentric issues — this is Manolo for the Brides, after all — but sites like the newly revamped Groom Groove tell me that a whole new generation of dudes is preparing to tie the knot.

For example, Kirk wrote to ask:

Is there a better way for grooms to shave on the wedding day? They’re photographed with better cameras than they’re used to, and even a clean-shaven guy can end up looking like Fred Flintstone when the proofs come back… I know I messed this up at my wedding, with some unclever ideas. I was worried about missing a spot shaving, and thought I should let it grow out a few days before so I could see that I got everything. Well I got everything, but still the dreaded “noon-o’clock shadow” was visible! Was there something else I should have done?

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I was recently sent two freebies to review, both of which sprang from the minds of event designers. It’s a common phenomenon — when you live in the world of weddings, it’s not that difficult to envision yourself creating a product that will bring joy to brides-to-be. (Note to companies looking for new product lines: I’m available. Really available.)

First Impressions
The Wedding Book: The Big Book for Your Big Day is indeed BIG. With it’s sweet two-column, multi-color design, it rather reminds me of the many home hack books I was given when I first moved out of my mother’s house. Not a page goes by where some tip of Weiss’ is highlighted in cream or taupe — overall, it’s very dignified. Information is easy to find, and there’s plenty of it!

Deeper Deets
I’ll admit that I had high expectations for this book, because Mindy Weiss is a highly sought-after event planner and “lifestyle expert.” It’s the little details she slips in, like three ways to fold a handkerchief, sample reception menus (Weiss admits that Thousand Island is her favorite dressing), an illustrated gown guide, and multiple wedding timetables make this book stand out among its peers. For those brides who like to jot things down, there are plenty of fill-in tables and blank note pages in the back of the book.

The Verdict
Other than iDo (which still has no reviews on Amazon, hint hint), this is probably my favorite book dealing with mainstream modern-traditional weddings.

First Impressions
I really like the box that envelops the Zinke Design Going to the Chapel gift set because it’s substantial and complicated. You really have to work to get the garter, ring bag, and handkerchief out of that box — I was almost afraid I was going to rip something, but Arin Robinson’s products are auspiciously sturdy. The trio of accessories matches The Wedding Book, which is a little weird in light of this review!

Deeper Deets
The set is made of satin, linen, lace, and the garter is lovely. It combines a ribbon with elastic, which means I can make it as small as my wrist or wide enough to fit over my head. I’m actually wearing it on my head right now. The hanky and the ring bag unfortunately gain nothing from being made out of linen. Both are pretty, but the handkerchief would do little to dry a tearful eye and I don’t know that putting one’s rings in a bag is the best of ideas. This leads me to believe that these items are meant just for show, and I’m a stickler for design that’s lovely AND functional.

The Verdict
I personally would not buy this $92 set for a bride-to-be, but I could see an older female relative doing so. When, exactly, do the rings go in the bag, anyway? Is it meant to be used before the wedding or as an alternative to the ring bearer’s pillow? I’d much prefer to give my hypothetical engaged friend or sister a vintage hanky embroidered with her initials or a handmade ring pillow I sewed myself.

You all know the rules. I post a pic. You come up with your best captions and post them as replies. Next saturday I declare a winner and we all have a good laugh.

And so, without further ado, here’s the image:

Ready…set…snark!

If there’s one thing you can count on in a bridal salon, it’s that the gowns will be expensive. The styles may also be limited. Your gown will definitely take a very long time to get to you and require alterations after it arrives. When you’re on a tight budget, putting your wedding together quickly, or planning a fairly low-key celebration, the standard bridal salon experience may well not be for you.

I thought about that the other night when a friend sent me a link to an online store she’s fond of to tell me about a big sale they were having. As I browsed the pages, I kept coming across pretty clothes I thought would make good wedding regalia.

This dress, for instance, struck me as something appropriate for a wedding gown.

It’s machine washable poly/spandex velvet and comes in sizes from eight to eighteen. Oh, and if you think it would make a great bridesmaid’s dress, too, it also comes in purple and burgundy. All that for just $89.95.

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…two gowns, two bouquets, two pretty hairstyles, and two pairs of awesome shoes. It makes me feel just a tad envious of all of the girly lesbian brides out there who are marrying other girly lesbian brides and can ooh and ahh over nuptial frippery with a spouse-to-be who actually gives a damn.

Just look at this stunningly gorgeous photo taken by my friend Oolong (who coincidentally made our kitty cake toppers) at a wedding at Saint Anthony’s Chapel in Holyrood Park. The two brides, Lizzie and Ari, look absolutely smashing, and I can just imagine them having a grand old time picking out dresses and invitations and ribbons for their stem wraps.

Of course, that’s just my brain telling me that the grass simply must be greener on the other side of the nuptial fence, by which I mean the side where there are no FOBs telling future husbands that they should just shut up and get out of the way. I’m sure that the everyday reality is likely far more mundane, with one half of the couple caring more about color schemes than the other on any given day. Then again a study of married gay folks from Vermont revealed that they were generally more satisfied in their relationships than straight folks. Go figure!

A blog called It’s a Wonderful World turned me onto bouquets weirder and wackier than any I came across when writing iDo. In the floral chapter of my book, I bring up cascade bouquets, arm sheaves, pomanders, hand tieds, crescents, composites, wristlets, trails, teardrops, tussie-mussies, ballerina bouquets, and floral scepters! I obviously know a little something about bouquets.

Thus I must surmise that I can’t possibly be the only one who was a little taken aback by the ring bouquet:

Does this concoction of water iris leaves and small spray roses make anyone else think of goatse.cx (extreeeeeeemely NSFW)? Because I know that I and my sillier guests would be taking some pseudonaughty snapshots if the bride ever left her bouquet unattended.

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