Real World Budget Dos and Don’ts
By Never teh Bride
I love when the comments on an article are better than the article itself. A few months back, the Washington Post published a frankly tired piece on saving matrimonial money in these tough economic times. Those interviewed were forced by trying circumstances to cut their guest lists from 240 to 200 (gasp!), to stuff envelopes themselves (Gasp!), and to get married in the Bahamas (GASP!). Oh, woe is them, right? This is my favorite response:
Was the article on “less expensive” weddings ["The Big Day Gets Smaller"] intended to upset readers? We read about these poor souls who are downsizing their $40,000 weddings to budgets of less than $30,000. They are forced to opt for destination weddings to reduce the number of guests. One bride-to-be said she was “even considering who is a better gift-giver, like my dad’s friends, to keep on the guest list.” Give me a break.
If the purpose of your wedding is to rake in cash and gifts, why invite anyone? Just send contribution envelopes to your contributors, er, “guests.” Maybe you could even include suggested “gift” amounts. Then you could mail thank-you postcards from your honeymoon. Oh, wait, perhaps it would be easier to just have the guests fill out and mail their own thank-you notes, too.
Amusing, no? Had I read the article in question when planning my own wedding, I would have laughed until I cried. For The Beard and I, there was no “This is just how much weddings cost in this zip code.” It was our responsibility to figure out how we could afford to feed and entertain our guests using the money we had, not the money some random online app like Cost of Wedding told us we should spend.
It’s all well and good when you have $30,000 to kick around, so downsizing from $40,000 is a trial, but doable…but how can those of us with a lot less keep costs down without resorting to tacky tactics like inviting only those people guaranteed to fork out the cash? Here’s how:
Do: Downsize your roster of attendants.
Don’t: Choose only your richest friends to be bridesmaids and groomsmen, regardless of the depth of your relationships.
Do: Serve mainly vegetarian fare for dinner and sheet cake for dessert.
Don’t: Hope and pray that 40% of your invited guests can’t make it so you don’t have to beg your in-laws for money to cover the cost of 200 plates of filet mignon.
Do: Print your own invitations using less expensive blank cardstock and a template.
Don’t: Send out an Evite to everyone whose e-mail address you’ve collected in the past five years.
Do:Serve a small selection of wine and beer instead of cocktails.
Don’t: Put “BYOB” in big, bold letters on your save-the-date cards and invitations.
Do: Skip the favors.
Don’t: Buy something tacky, useless, and non-recyclable at the dollar store just so people can see you made the effort.
Do: Carefully compose your guest list to ensure it stays small without excluding anyone truly important to you.
Don’t: Create an A-list and a B-list — if the B-listers are lucky, they’ll have a chance to watch you get married.
Do: Elope.
Don’t: Have your ceremony and reception in a locale you know that is almost impossible for guests to get to so you get gifts without actually having to deal with family or planning logistics.
Do: Get married in the wintertime, on a Sunday, or in the morning.
Don’t: Get married on a Wednesday in the dead of night.
Do: Let go of outdated ideas of what a wedding should be.
Don’t: Assume that any wedding that costs less than $30,000 will be absolute crap and not worth having.
Do: Have a wedding that rocks because it’s *your* wedding.
Don’t: Try to outdo your bitchy cousin who got married last year or live up to some ideal you saw in a bridal magazine.
Do: Stick to your budget, even if it means prioritizing and making sacrifices.
Don’t: Take our a wedding loan or burn through your savings.
Those are some of my favorite money savers — now I wonder if you’d be so kind as to share some of yours?
August 18th, 2008 at 1:21 pm
That’s fantastic advice! Especially the prioritizing your budget. It helps a lot. If you know you have a strong eye for artistic photographs, you won’t be satisfied with anything less. So budget more for the photographer and skip the favors, or alcohol, or do your own flowers.
Research is key. I spent hours on Craigslist, floral websites, etc to find the best deals. We used very few vendors, but I set my wedding up as something THEY’D want to be a part of. When I e-mailed 30 photographers from Craigslist that my wedding was an outdoor Renaissance wedding with the bridal party and most guests in period costumes, they were jumping at the chance to get that in their portfolio. What will be unique about your wedding?
The average wedding budget for our area is $25000. We didn’t want to go into debt, and wanted an awesome honeymoon. We had a gorgeous wedding for only $5000! By the way, last bit of advice, there are lots of B & Bs all over the country (esp Hawaii) that are very private and cheaper than a hotel for your honeymoon. We saved lots of money that way too.
August 18th, 2008 at 1:42 pm
I’ve never understood the tip to downsize your guest list. Leave people out so you can have what - more food, nicer clothes, better venue? Not for me, no. I’d rather have a chips and Kool-Aid reception in an alley than leave out the people I care about.
August 18th, 2008 at 1:42 pm
Do choose a venue where you can hold both the ceremony and reception in one place, if possible. This saves on site fees, reception cards, transportation costs, and the liklihood of guests gone missing because they took a wrong turn.
Do choose the best-looking place you can afford and save a little on decorations.
Don’t be afraid to ask vendors if they can sweeten the pot…but be prepared for them to say no.
Don’t skimp on the free things: writing a meaningful ceremony costs nothing, but if it’s good, people will remember it long after they forget whether you passed three kinds of appetizer or two. No amount of elaborate decor and gourmet food will make up for a grumpy bridal couple.
August 18th, 2008 at 3:55 pm
You forgot about the horrors of using facebook or myspace instead of sending out invitations.
As sad as it is a lot of people seem to be doing that now.
It also helps to save money if you take up all those people who are asking how they can help. Let your mother in law sew the ring bearers pillow, or get together with a friend to make some mints. It saves money, they all know they contributed, and you have a good time getting together.
August 18th, 2008 at 4:18 pm
Point #1: Find out what is included in the cost of any package, and consider whether it’s good enough. We used (for ‘free’ = the cost of the candles, bought in bulk online) centerpieces that were the standard item for the banquet hall. And they were lovely - hurricane glass with candles and marbles. Was it everything I’d hoped and dreamed? Well, I hadn’t really dreamed about centerpieces. I’m sure there have been lovelier centerpieces at some point in the universe. But they were a lovely complement to the room, and looked FINE.
I guess point #2 is to aim for GOOD, GOOD ENOUGH, or FINE. Not PERFECT, not EXQUISITE. Perfect & Exquisite were provided by my spouse and our friends being there.
August 18th, 2008 at 4:34 pm
This must be in the standard “advice” list, but I’ll mention it anyway: use a DJ instead of a live band.
I had the great pleasure to attend a wedding earlier this month. It was gorgeous from start to finish, and the reception had a 9-piece band that was among the best I’ve ever heard. Really outstanding. My husband and I agreed that the band probably cost more than our entire reception, which was so long ago now I can’t remember how much it cost. But I’m sure it was less than what it cost to have that band, and everyone danced at our reception, too.
August 18th, 2008 at 6:18 pm
Consider a harp or acoustic guitar instead of a string quartet for the ceremony music. Fewer musicians = less $, and a harp or guitar can be just as lovely!
August 18th, 2008 at 8:08 pm
I read that article too. And many of the comments ripped the bride-to-be who was editing her guest list based on gift value potential.
August 18th, 2008 at 9:48 pm
This weekend I happened to see a snippet of Who’s Wedding Is it Anyway where the planner was whining about only having $30k for a wedding with 275 guests and I was floored. We planned our wedding for a guest list of 160 (we ended up with maybe 65 guests in reality) and did so on a budget of $4k total - including the costs of my dress, his tux, the wedding album/guest register and ring holder books my husband made himself and the invitations we purchased the supplies for and created ourselves. There was tons of food and cake left over so people were able to take multiple boxes of whatever they wanted home with them..so I just never understand these high budgets people simply HAVE TO HAVE.
August 18th, 2008 at 9:52 pm
MissPinkKate: That advice is usually directed toward people whose guest lists are spiraling out of control because of familiar expectations or other factors. I would never recommend a couple cut people important to them! Better to have the Kool-Aide, indeed.
blablover5: MySpace? Facebook? Oh. My. Gosh. I wish I had known handier people prior to my wedding. As it is, I’m grateful to a good friend of mine for helping me make my bouquets even though she couldn’t attend.
Everyone else: Great tips!
August 19th, 2008 at 1:23 am
We saved money several ways: we held the reception in the church hall, which was free since we’d had to pay to use the church. We had very few flowers, bought them from Costco, and asked artistic family members to arrange them. The music for the ceremony was provided by friends–again, free. The wine came from wineries that my dad has a membership with, so we got between 15-20% off.
And to add to Melissa B.’s comment about hiring a harp or acoustic guitar instead of a string quartet–if there is a university with a music department in your town, call them and ask about student musicians. When I was a student harpist, I charged about 25-30% less than my teacher did, but as long as I was only expected to play background music (no special requests), you would never have known that I wasn’t a professional.
August 19th, 2008 at 9:52 am
The internet is a fabulous tool for saving money, so feel free to shop around. I found my wedding dress on EBay for $100! (It had been bought and altered by another bride, who then changed her mind and found a dress she liked better.) It fit me like a glove and looked great.
And, if you have even the slightest knack for floral arranging, and don’t care about a fancy, cascading bouquet, then consider arranging your own flowers. I ordered a dozen rust-coloured roses, mixed with hypercium berries, to be delivered to our hotel room the day before my wedding. I did not breathe a word about “bouquet”, “wedding”, or anything else like that. I brought some gorgeous cream and bronze ribbons from home, and the night before the wedding, arranged my own bouquet. It looked great.
And my headpiece was $10 from Zeller’s.
But, I did splash out on a good photographer. That was my major priority — having those wonderful photos that I could look back on later.
So it’s all about sitting down and really picking out the top 3 things that you HAVE to have. For me, it was an outdoor venue, the pretty white dress, and the excellent photographer. For others, it might be a string quartet at the ceremony, a great meal, and a huge guest list. Spend your money on your top three priorities, and find ways to save money on the rest of it.
August 20th, 2008 at 1:03 am
It’s not *necessarily* cheaper to have a DJ than a band…it depends on your idea of a “wedding band”. We’re having some local honky-tonk types to play, and we have finally convinced them to take $200 of our money (they wanted none). I’ve also saved a LOT by getting mismatched tablecloths and champagne flutes and vases at thrift stores (far less than renting, and so much cuter!). We’re a little extreme on the DIY stuff, but we’re having the party at our house, are growing most of the flowers ourselves, and my FMIL and her friends claim to have had a blast sewing napkins from old sheets and stuff I’ve thrifted.
I’ll second the skipping-the-favors thing. Have you seriously ever gotten one that you *really* loved? Loved so much that you think the bride should have spent several hundred dollars to give you that warm, fuzzy, favor-y feeling?
August 20th, 2008 at 8:22 am
I personally would view Cost of Wedding as a challenge. How much under the average for my area can I get?
I attended the wedding of a friend this weekend. The couple had friends of theirs play the piano and sing at the wedding (free) and made up their own reception playlist which one of the groomsmen was in charge of starting and stopping at the appropriate moments (also, free). They made the centerpieces with the help of their respective sisters out of pictures of them as a couple on various dates and vacations, a bouquet of photos if you will (cost of printing the photos). Everyone had a great time.
August 20th, 2008 at 9:37 am
That’s really funny, because a few weeks ago here in Ireland, the Sunday Business Post had a “feature” on saving money for your wedding, and it was remarkably similar to The New York Times article you mention.
Also, the brides in the article had budgets of €25k-€35K for 160 guests. Guess what, we’re having 160 guests for €12K. How? By not renting a castle, for starters. Nor am I spending €5K on a dress as my mother will be making it for me. We went to London and bought fabric in the shops owned by Indian and Pakistani ladies, which was remarkable value at £2 per yard!
My friend is making our invitations, another friend is making our cake, and we’re supplying our own wine (two gorgeous italian wines, Elfo Salento and Fattoria Laila).
Current projected cost: €11,500.
August 20th, 2008 at 10:08 am
The Norwegian and I are coming in nicely under our budget of $5k by doing a good deal of DIY tasks that have already been mentioned here. We printed our own invitations and programs, I’m making some of the food and both of the cakes, our florist is a local organic gardener who is doing bouquets and arrangements for $15 and up (!). My gown is an evening gown from a 2007 collection that I bought with my tax refund. He’s wearing his Navy uniform (lots of military bling from his 30 year career). We’re using our own linens and serving pieces found at estate sales and thrift stores. My 13 year old daughter is my MOH and her dress came from an estate sale and cost $10. It’s vintage lace and looks like it was made for her. This is a remarriage for both of us, and we’re getting married at home, and for once, EVERYTHING is exactly the way we both want it–small, intimate and peaceful. Our one splurge has been on catering–we are having some wonderful Italian/Mediterranean food that will be about half of our entire budget. But we’ve had a great time looking for ways we could plan our perfect wedding without spending a fortune. It’s brought us very close and given us a chance to look at what’s really important to each of us independently and together as a couple, and also we can see how we prioritize spending. It’s been a very useful pre-marital exercise! We’re 37 days from our wedding day and there hasn’t been a single argument or even moment of real stress about any of the planning. I think we’ve got it right this time!
August 20th, 2008 at 1:31 pm
Over 27 years ago, my dad offered me $2000 for my wedding. Whatever was left over was our wedding present.
My dress, expensive at the time, cost $80. The minister and the organist and the church rental for the ceremony ended up being about $125. All our in-town relatives provided food: They cooked a couple of turkeys, made a ton of pasta and brought their homemade specialties for the buffet. We had a sheet cake from a local bakery. My dad provided beer on his own dime for those who wanted to drink.
My sisters picked flowers and a florist charged about $35 to arrange them for the church and the wedding party. My maid of honor wore her prom dress, my little sister was junior bridesmaid and she wore her First Communion dress. A friend played ukelele on the front porch for music.
It cost us about $650 in ‘81. The only think I regret is cheaping out on the photos, they were slides a friend took, but we got them reprinted and they have a kitschy charm to them. We didn’t have a honeymoon until 2003, but we have had lots of life adventures.
And I am still married. At least five other couples I know with spendier weddings who got married around the same time we did are now divorced. Money really doesn’t make a bit of difference.
August 20th, 2008 at 7:37 pm
Well, as my name suggests, I am becoming an expert on ways to save!
Broke-Ass Bride
Those are all good suggestions - I am also a big fan of the ole “do your own flowers” but how but “do a work-trade for your wedding dress” like me?
August 21st, 2008 at 10:15 am
I went and did a thing on the no-no list… But then my guest list is very small, and it was as much an information for friends thing as anything else.
I emailed everyone on my guest list… But the email was a wedding itinerary, with a link to a website that I created myself for my own wedding because… That is what I do for a living. Websites. I did my site in my colours, it is clean, crisp, and easily navigated. There won’t be any issues with load times, or accessibility because that is also a major part of my job so I tied those in.
No one will get lost going from point A to point B… And then on to C or D… And if it rains and the pictures have to go to the alternate location… That is there too! How am I pulling this off? Google Maps. I created a PRIVATE (make sure you select private) map which shows when you link to the page. It shows the points I have placed on it, and with each I have put the event name, address, time, and most importantly the phone number. What this means is that my guests can punch in their starting points and get directions right to my locations.
So yes… I emailed my invites but I made it so interactive that everyone loves it over being offended by it.
Next… We have everything we could possibly want (ok… So we need a new dishwasher, and a new dryer. They both went on the fritz this year… But I am not asking for THOSE for my wedding), and it makes both of us exceptionally uncomfortable to get “cash” as a gift… As well as being on a mega budget - 2500$ CAD for the wedding, honeymoon and any shopping, meals, and events on that honeymoon and this is my choice - not financial constraints, but I am feeling good about my wedding instead of freaking out because the costs are so high. And I won’t have to pay things off after either. I have done the naughty and chosen a restaurant with a really great menu where you can choose this gourmet sampler (22$ for 8 courses of amazing Italian food) or something A-La-Carte (Standard prices), and then asked that in lieu of gifts (yeah… I know I am nuts but what do I need another gravy bowl for?!) I have asked that people treat themselves to dinner. (I can hear you all gasping from there!)
There is one key point though - Should anyone not be able to afford to cover their dinner we will help them or cover it for them. Another key point is we will cover our families dinners.
I know I am very un-traditional in this but we were planning a destination wedding that was mostly an elopement and we are making the concession to have it much closer to home at the requests of friends and family who want nothing more than to attend.
August 21st, 2008 at 11:32 am
Wow, BudgetQueen?! That’s a version of ‘cover your plate’ I’d never heard of before.
Just when I thought that phrase couldn’t get worse….
Also, it’s lucky for you that every single person you would want to invite to your wedding a) has internet access and b) knows how to use it. I spend more than half my life online and I can’t make that claim.
August 21st, 2008 at 12:25 pm
Oh, one more thing: NtB, thank you so much for a budgeting guide that doesn’t include eight million DIY projects! My DIY skills are nonexistent; every arts-and-crafts project I’ve ever tried ends with me throwing it in the garbage in complete frustration. I love seeing and hearing about other couples’ DIY projects, but for the untalented like me, sculpting our own centerpieces or hand-crafting 200 personalized individual wedding favor tea bags is maybe not such a great idea. Better to skip the favors and use inexpensive candles as centerpieces than reduce myself to a quivering ball of frustration in the name of saving money!
August 21st, 2008 at 3:03 pm
Guess it comes off badly to those who don’t know me… I should probably clarify that this is a really small guest list. It is so small I could have phoned it out, or driven it out to my guests. I knew it would be unpopular to post it but I figured that maybe it would be a different perspective. This is also not a first wedding for him.
I can honestly say I can’t even think of 50 people I would want or need to invite to my wedding which is why I can do it. If every person I invited or even told about my wedding showed up and brought a guest I would still have under 36 people there. Including us.
I guess the classic wedding behaviour would have been to invite all my clients, his co-workers, my extended family including my second cousin 4 times removed, etc.
But I don’t have that inclination. It smacks of everything I am not. I live a simple, quiet life. We have 2-5 BBQ’s per summer entertaining friends from out of town, I do the play date thing with 4 local friends and make the trip out of town to visit 1 friend 3-4 times a year, with a trip once every 1-3 years to see a handful of others. I do a girls night once every few months at a friends place, but that is it. Am I suppose to pad my wedding list with acquaintances just to fill some perceived minimum guest list? (Or as one of my clients pointed out… what about the neat presents like Cappuccino makers… Um… I’m ok without it really.)
It is immediate family, a few of my closest friends. Two of whom are professional photographers and both have offered to take photos as a gift to us (whom we are covering their meal and the cost of prints for). We offered to pay them. They won’t accept it. We said “We’ll just pay someone… come as a guest only”… Not happening. So we smile, and I blush… and two people whom I love with all my heart will be taking my pics.
So our total guest list includes us, our little girl, my parents (his have passed), none of either of our siblings can make it, my best friend from college will be there with guest, two of my 4 close friends I have met through being a mom will be my attendants, and there (the other two can’t make it and only one of the two coming is certain her husband can make it and the other is likely leaving hers at home to watch the kids), one of my friends who is also a client will be coming (probably not bringing a guest - her choice), my photographer friend (sans guest - his choice), and on the off chance that people quickly change their minds and bring their children there are 6 kids between 3 and 15 who might attend.
So at this point … 12 people. Maybe another 6 including children. But it is a long shot 1 1/2 weeks out from the wedding.
Some have asked where we are registered, or if they can send a gift… We’ve politely said “Thank you for the thought… If you really wish to send something then please just send a card with well wishes”…
Honestly… Any extended family we have is either too far removed, we never see them, over 3000 km away, or deceased (it happens at times that families will have people move too far away or one loss after another for a few years and those wedding lists get shorter as you wait for mourning periods to pass… 3-4 years ago our list would have been about 50-60 people including immediate family).
And yes with this small of a guest list we could have found the money to cover the dinner for everyone. Though renting a hall is way out of the question (and silly no less)… We had a budget and we stuck to it. The choice was 2 nights away after the wedding or 4 nights away. The choice was go all out for our little girls back to school clothing, or stager it and just buy the essentials now and the rest over the next few months. The choice was to set aside money for the things we need to cover a month later (childs’ b-day party) or spend it and worry later. The choice was to use cash in hand for everything and have absolutely NO wedding debt… Or to use our credit cards, and LOC to pay for things with interest eating away at us if we still had to cover all of these things + the dinner.
I suppose we could have just waited till next summer (as I’ve had the dress since last summer and it is a summer dress) and then we could have done the backyard BBQ, or whichever with something closer to home… But with all that has gone on but we figured we would take the chance and do this now before we needed to postpone. Again. As it is I regret not doing it 2-3 years ago when the people whom I have lost could have been there.
Sorry if I offended your sensibilities… But to be honest… I am kind of proud of not having debt kicking my butt over this when I have other things I would rather spend my money on.
P.S. Yes… I still have the pretty dress, the cake, the bouquet (silk flowers hand tied by me, and flowers were chosen by myself and my father), and my wedding will be a quiet and intimate, yet pretty and memorable wedding. The only difference is that I won’t have to tug someones sleeve and say “Psstt… Who’s that man/woman/child over there? and did you invite them?”, or try to figure out where I will get the extra money to pay for that loan I had to takeout to pay for my dinner/honeymoon/whatever…
To each their own.
August 21st, 2008 at 4:14 pm
I have a couple of pieces of advice to keep costs down:
Don’t invite people you don’t know and aren’t close to- just because they’re colleagues or business partners of your parent does not mean they should be invited to your wedding. Even if your parent is paying for it. It’s your wedding, not a business event.
If the (insert random thing(s) here) weren’t crucial to your existence before your wedding planner told you that they were, they probably aren’t. Especially if you’ve become so out of touch with real-world finances that the fact that the added expense for them is higher than your monthly income doesn’t phase you.
Remember it’s a day. It’s a gorgeous, important day, but if the cost of your wedding would pay off your mortgage, rethink.
August 21st, 2008 at 8:15 pm
Budget Queen?! nobody here said a word about:
- inviting people you don’t wish to invite
- registering for gifts
- renting a hall
- deliberately putting yourselves into debt
As far as anyone writing for this site is concerned there’s no need to do any of those things.
What would definitely put you on the wrong side of Miss Manners is having people pay for their own meals. If all you can afford is sheet cake and coffee, that’s perfectly correct to serve. Or lemonade and cookies. If you can’t afford to pay for dinner, that’s fine. But if the party is more formal than ‘hey, why don’t we get a couple pizzas and a bottle of soda and watch the game’ then it’s generally expected the hosts will pay for any refreshments for the entire guest list…not half of it.
August 22nd, 2008 at 2:41 am
Strangely enough I actually went back and asked the people coming to my wedding if they were ok with it, or if it was not ok. Turns out they all were actually pretty happy about it.
For none other then one thing:
They are glad to not have to figure out a gift of some type. As already noted above - we have everything we could want or need. And those coming get it. There are so many idiosyncrasies that I wouldn’t even dream of putting them here (and it kind of publicly announces a private event as they would be easily defined as pertaining to me so I am not adding those).
Meh… Guess we are all just a bunch of odd people. The cake is bought, paid for and the roses are being made starting tomorrow. There is a “champagne toast” in our room after the ceremony and prior to heading to dinner. (This is of course covered by us as well.)
A far cry from sheet cake and coffee… But certainly not the tradition. The way it was put out was “You’re welcome to join us when we head to dinner that evening… Just let us know if you will be coming along so you can be included in the number for the reservation. It’s not a formal dinner, but rather us going to a restaurant… But we will be doing cake, and whatnot according to when people need to head out so don’t rush off right after the wedding ok?!”
I never used “reception” or anything of the like… Just the words above. Interestingly enough you might want to google this. I am not the only one… Especially in the case of small gatherings or destination weddings. Both of which are what my wedding is regardless of my “destination” being within travel distance that is suitable to make by car on the day of… in both directions. For all but … Once again. My parents.
In fact… In certain parts of the world it is more customary for it to be done this way. Though there seems to be a hold over for parts of the world to not do it this way. Should I tell you now or later that there is even mention of this at O.B.B.?
With regards to the ones we are covering:
We are of course covering our own meal, and our childs’ meal, and we are covering my parents because my dad contributed to the wedding by way of the ceremony, bouquet, flower girl dress, and my dress (all still in that same budget as noted above). It is our thank you to them for having made that contribution. It certainly wasn’t asked of them and took us by surprise but it was appreciated and we want to show them that.
And funny you mentioned Judith Martin (Miss Manners) as that was brought up. The other one brought up in the numerous conversations today was Ann Landers (there was more than one woman behind that)…
Anyway… I am off to bed. Night!
August 22nd, 2008 at 11:09 am
Twistie — where do you stand on cash bars?
I am arguing with my fiance’. We are taking our families out to a nice supper after our small wedding. (I wanted to elope, but no luck.) We are going to provide wine. My fiance’ says his parents will want cocktails. I said too bad, they can drink wine if they want alcohol.
There would be the option of their buying their own cocktails, which I don’t care if they walk up to the bar and do (although I would never have a cash bar at a reception), but I have really worked with our budget to get a nice meal and I don’t want to blow it by opening my wallet to however much hard liquor they might want. (And they want a lot.)
I am also annoyed that fiance’s parents will be here for nine days (yes, I will be running a hotel during my wedding) and will undoubtedly drink everything we have in our liquor cabinet. So are we obliged to restock? Or can I send them to the liquor store down the street?
August 22nd, 2008 at 12:32 pm
(Note: Twistie is the etiquette expert while I am the “here’s what I’d do” expert, so her opinion may differ from my own!)
Personally, class-factotum, I’m no big fan of cash bars. People should be satisfied with beer and wine if that’s what is offered. Heck, they should be satisfied with coffee and soda if that’s what is served! Alcohol is not an integral part of a reception, no matter how many people say they wouldn’t attend a dry wedding. It’s perfectly fine to ask your in-laws to walk over to the bar…supper doesn’t automatically include booze, after all! If someone is buying me a meal and I see they’ve ordered wine, I’m not going demand a cocktail on top of that!
As for your liquor cabinet, I would not feel obliged to re-stock if I were you. In fact, if you are opening your home to your in-laws for nine whole days (!!!) one would think they’d step up and buy you some groceries on top of replacing your booze. I would never stay with someone for more than a day or two (other than my very generous parents ;-)) without contributing something to their larder. I certainly wouldn’t drink them dry!
August 23rd, 2008 at 2:23 pm
NTB, you are brilliant. And yes, I don’t even expect my hosts to provide me with diet Coke, much less nine nights worth of heavy drinking.
It’s a good thing I still have the xanax my friend Leigh gave me last Christmas to get me through the week at the in-laws’ house.
August 23rd, 2008 at 3:44 pm
NtB, you answered that pretty much as I would have.
Just remember, class-factotum, that the restocking trip by the guests is optional for them. But so long as you offer reasonable amounts of food and drink that are not patently offensive, it falls on them to accept your hospitality in the spirit in which it is offered. Like NtB, though, I would never dream of staying nine days in someone’s home without offering either to restock something I’ve used a lot of or taking my hosts out to dinner.