Over the last few months, I’ve seen a lot of people here, on other blogs, privately discussing their own weddings in public at a volume where I couldn’t help but hear, insist they aren’t having/didn’t have a reception. They had/will have a party.
That’s when I realize that people don’t completely understand what a reception is, or how it does and doesn’t differ from any other party.
So what makes it a reception?
One little thing: the purpose.
The purpose of a reception is to hold a party so that someone of some sort of importance may be ‘received’ or greeted by a group or community of people.
That’s it.
No matter whether you have a quiet restaurant meal for five people, a huge blowout with all the trimmings and every single tradition for five hundred, or something in between, your post-wedding celebration is a reception.
So what does that mean for your celebration? Does it mean you are required to have the groom remove the bride’s garter with his teeth while stripper music plays? No. Does it mean you have to serve rubber chicken and champagne no matter what you and your guests would rather eat? No. Does it mean you can’t say a word as bride while the groom, best man, and father of the bride all have to make speeches? No.
What it means, quite simply, is that you will wish to hold a party that you and your guests will enjoy, and you will need to find some way to interact with your guests at some point in the proceedings. After all, the greeting is the point of the party in this case.
It means that since more and more of us are paying for our own weddings, we are taking on the socially strange role of being both host and guest of honor at the same time. But this is not completely unworkable. It just means we have to juggle the responsibilities of each role as gracefully as we can.
So what are the responsibilities of each role?
The hosts are responsible for:
– Issuing invitations in good time.
– Providing some form of refreshment to everyone attending. It doesn’t matter whether the chosen refreshment is cake and coffee, a five-course gourmet meal, a delivery from your favorite Chinese restaurant down the street, homemade picnic foods, or some bags of chips and soda. What does matter is that the hosts offer something in keeping with the level of formality of the celebration.
– Offering some form of entertainment. This entertainment may take the form of a band to listen or dance to; jugglers and a dog act; speeches and hurling vaguely fetishistic objects into the crowd for good luck; a rousing game of duck, duck, goose; a belly dancing troupe; or simple conversation. Let your tastes and imagination guide you, as well as expected traditions.
– Interacting with your guests. Whether you choose to do a formal receiving line, go around to all the tables during dinner, or set out to dance with everyone there, it’s your duty to say hello to everyone. And since these are your friends and family, that shouldn’t be too much of a burden, even if there are a lot of them. If there aren’t many, then that just makes it easier. There were some eighty-five or so guests at my wedding to Mr. Twistie. The receiving line took maybe fifteen or twenty minutes.
– Thanking your guests. This is easy to combine with both the responsibility to interact and with any thank you notes you write for gifts given or services volunteered. People have taken time out of their busy lives to celebrate with you, and that’s certainly something to be grateful for.
The guests of honor are responsible for:
– Allowing each guest to greet them. That’s the point of the party. You are being accepted into your community in a new role. Again, whether you have a formal receiving line, go around to tables, etc. you just have to make sure you speak to everyone and to be gracious in receiving their congratulations and good wishes.
– Express your thanks for the good wishes you receive. You can thank them one by one, and should, but it’s also a nice gesture to give your thanks in a toast to friendship and family. And of course, there are those thank you notes you’ll be writing for gifts, help with the wedding, etc.
– Interact with the guests. Dance with them, talk to them, share a drink with them…just be sure to be a part of the party. Don’t spend the whole time with eyes for nobody but your new spouse. That’s what the honeymoon is for.
In other words, the responsibilities of the host are precisely the same as they are for any other party, and the responsibilities of the guests of honor are also more or less the same as they would be for a birthday party, celebration of a promotion, graduation party, or farewell party for someone who is moving. In fact, those parties are receptions, too. We just don’t usually call them that.
I think the difference is one of expectations: at a “wedding reception” brings visions of reception lines with the parents/grandparent/everyone even vaguely related to the couple, DJs who play the Chicken Dance, cake cutting and garter/bouquet throwing, rubber chicken formal dinner with toasts, etc, while a “party” gives the impression of a more casual, less structured affair.
They’re the same thing, but you expect a looser, more fun time with a “party.” I had a very party-like reception and just called it whatever I darn well pleased.
I agree with seresy about expectations, but I’d think it’s guests who are forming said impressions. Call it what it is, then let your guests be pleasantly surprised to find a pizza buffet, beers from around the world, and an old fashioned jug band!
It’s that perception that I’m trying to break down by discussing the proper definition so that people feel freer to have the sort of celebration they would like rather than assuming the Chicken Dance is somehow required.
I know my fiance and I were much more relaxed about the whole thing when we realized that our reception could and should be a great party, and that it will still be a perfectly acceptable “reception” if we refuse to play “YMCA” or do the garter toss.
I would also add that many of the people I’ve seen making the “it’s not *really* a reception, it’s just a party” claim are trying to excuse a major etiquette faux pas (not you, seresy!) — so I’m glad to see someone point out that this is a false distinction.