4 days after he proposed, I had my first 6 hour panic attack. And then a week later? Another one. And another one. I found a not-challenging therapist and spent a lot of time trying to talk myself into the relationship, and about how great he was.

6 months later, I finally called it off. For me? Cold feet (aka panic attacks) were my brain’s way of telling me to get out while I still could.

Best decision I ever made, too.

I’m marrying someone else – the most wonderful man – in a few months time.

Sometimes cold feet are a way of your gut trying to tell your mind what it doesn’t want to acknowledge.

Victor: That’s terrible! And you’re right that sometimes calling off the wedding will cause long-lasting or even irreparable family rifts. I feel sorry for the couple, but in the end I hope that neither of them showed up to the ceremony. As horrible as it sounds, sometimes it’s better to lose the esteem of a relative or friend than to make a bad, hard-to-undo life decision.

So I’m tending bar for this rehearsal dinner and I notice Bride and Groom don’t seem to be into it that much…probably because Bride’s Mom and Groom’s Mom seem to be battling it out for the most attention, I thought. After dinner, Groom was at the bar (to his credit, he wasn’t getting totally smashed, though he should have–more later) when Drunken Uncle came up to him, put his arm around his shoulder, and slurred something along the lines of, “I hope you and your beautiful bride have a long and happy life together.”

Groom snorted, shrugged off Drunken Uncle’s shoulder, and said, “Maaan…I hope we make it through one year.” I later found out B&G realized they weren’t compatible and tried to call off the wedding (to their credit, IMO!), but neither Momzilla would allow them to do so! As I recall, Bride’s Mom didn’t want to be embarrassed in front of her family; I don’t recall Groom’s Mom’s reasoning.

Sadly, they weren’t having the reception at the club. Too bad, because I would have loved to have known if B&G showed up for their own wedding.

So true! And on top of that, your relatives will eventually forgive you — if they can’t support your decision right away — but forgiving yourself years down the line for making a bum choice is a lot more difficult.

Since those were brief flashes of random what the hellness, though, I would sit myself down, make myself start breathing again, and come to the realization that I was getting ready to share my life with the man I loved. Thinking about that calmed me right down. That’s how I knew it was that I was making a huge change in my life, not what the change was. It might take the form of ‘I’m going to spend the rest of my life with someone who thinks that joke was funny?’ or ‘God, has this man ever voluntarily eaten a green vegetable in his life? How am I going to eat with him?’ but looking into his eyes took all my questions and quibbles go away.

If it’s more than periodic generalized freakatude over a major life change, though, definitely take a couple steps back and try to figure out whether the step you’re making is the one you really want to.

A few lost deposits and disappointed relatives are a lot less expensive than years thrown down the drain of an unhealthy relationship.