A few thoughts … I don’t think that having a satisfying sex life in the long term hinges on whether or not you have sex before the wedding. I really think it depends more on whether or not the spouses are able to communicate with each other about sex. I was a bridesmaid in a wedding where the couple waited for the wedding night, and my friend said that her pastor put a lot of emphasis in premarital counseling on the fact that sex would be an important part of the marriage and they needed to feel comfortable talking about it with each other. This is just as important for couples who don’t wait, because having sex before marriage isn’t a guarantee of lifetime sexual compatibility (and I say this as someone living with my fiance!). Sex drives and desires change over time, and to be successful in the long term I think a couple needs to be able to talk about those changes.

What I find appalling is that on getting to that point, they decided to toss all decorum and taste to the four winds in a public display that would most certainly frighten the horses. My convictions happen to include one about long tonsil hockey sessions being most appropriate for private times. They also include one about not making a huge public display about my sex life.

BTW, Mr. Twistie and I do kiss every day…usually multiple times. Choose to wait, choose not to wait, that’s up to the couple involved. I will say, however, that kissing before marriage does not automatically lead to never kissing again, anymore than choosing to wait automatically ensures a life of sexual incompatibility.

Oh, and I don’t know what weddings you’ve been going to, but in more than forty years of weddings I’ve seen very few awkward first kisses. A couple yes, but hardly the majority.

As far as abstinence only education, I believe in the benefits of abstinence before marriage, and I talk openly with HS girls I mentor about my experience. But I don’t believe it should be the only thing taught, especially in schools. If we simply taught our kids to never walk across the street because cars are dangerous, some of them would daringly cross without looking because we never taught them how to be safe. It’s important to educate teens about all their options so they make informed choices.

That said, your Entry Reader has decided it’s duplicative; is there some way we can work around that to get it posted? Thanks very much.

After a whole lot of years going under the bridge, I find that I’m really not enthusiastic about the bride and groom refraining from physical intimacy before the wedding. I don’t have any particular problem with one’s first experience being with the person one marries – but I DO have some objections to the marriage coming before physical intimacy, oddly enough.

Sexual compatibility is, IMO, important in a marriage – sometimes it’s really REALLY important. For a lot of men, sex is the physical manifestation of the love in the relationship; many women often accept other forms of care as demonstrations/manifestations of the love in a relationship. The real downside to celibacy before marriage is that quite often, women find that the men who have been so considerate and respectful actually are either gay, or have low or no no sex drives, which the women did NOT bargain for nor want. The men may also find a downside – I personally know two men who waited, at the request of the brides-to-be, only to find out after the wedding that the brides in question had no interest in EVER consummating their marriages.

Mind you, I’m not saying that a high-sex, low-sex, or no-sex marriage is the only way to go here; my caution is that I think it’s highly preferable that the bride and groom have a chance to discover if their ideas as to how much and what kind of sex match. Some couples can manage very nicely with a no-sex marriage; some couples can scrape along with a high-low pairup; some scrape along with a high-low pairup with one member of the couple being very, very unhappy.

I think it’s better to talk frankly to young people about some really good reasons to refrain from sex while in high school because of the complications it can bring in its wake in any relationship: makes them more complicated, the hazards of pregnancy, STDs, etc. Once that’s discussed, I think it’s vital to discuss forms of birth control and personal protection, because while sex in high school may not be a great idea, pregnancy and STDs are the WORST ideas in high school.

I also think young men should be educated to keep and use THEIR OWN CONDOMS. I don’t think there’s anything like enough emphasis on warning them that virtually any time they have sex with a woman, they run the chance of a lifetime of legally mandated childsupport payments, whether or not they marry the woman, and that they shouldn’t necessarily trust in the other partner’s birth control method working efficiently – or being in place at all.

Linda: Darn right it was! For some people, not doing something makes finally doing it more special. For others, that something, whatever it is, is special no matter what.

blablover5 and Melissa B.: Good catch. I didn’t even notice that it was the public school system. Studies have shown that abstinence programs do very little outside of pretty much guaranteeing that high school kids eventually experiment with unprotected pre-marital sex. I personally wouldn’t want my property taxes going to that kind of thing.

Kate: PREACH IT!

MissPinkKate: You know, that’s for the best. Especially, I think, when it comes to the bedroom.

KES: More power to you! If that’s what was right for you and your spouse-to-be, you shouldn’t worry about what anyone will think about it. Your choice might not be the norm, but I don’t see that anyone could find anything to criticize about it. If they do, maybe they are a little crazy

HurricaneDeck: I actually got the impression that both of them had histories, but had decided that they would now proceed thusly.