Once upon a time, back through the mists of history, there lived a caveman. We’ll call him Og. Why? Because we will. Now stop asking questions and listen up.

Anyway, Og was a Terribly Clever Caveman who had managed to invent himself some fire. Alas! He had nothing to cook over this lovely fire. This made him hungry and grumpy.

Down the road a way, there lived another Terribly Clever Caveman called Zog. He had found a foolproof way to trap one of the giant sloths that lived in the area (just stay with me, okay?) and had a lovely huge giant sloth to eat, when he realized he had no way of cooking the meat. This made him hungry and grumpy.

All of a sudden, Zog smelled Og’s lovely fire and got an idea (I told you he was Terribly Clever). He dragged his sloth down the road to Og’s cave and said that if Og allowed him to cook his sloth over the lovely fire, he would gladly share the meat in exchange. They feasted that night on roast sloth, and in the morning they made superfantastic coats out of the hide.

Thus the barter was born.

(more…)

If you have already bought your wedding gown aaaaaand you live near Panama City, FL, you’re going to be so sad you didn’t go to Yvette’s Bridal while it still existed.

Why choose Yvette’s for your wedding gown, bridesmaids dress, and tuxedo needs? The web site says it all. Specifically, it says “Yvette’s is OPEN SUNDAYS !!!! Yvette’s will be open all holidays !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yay !! Judy !!” and “why do we have hair in our armpits??…………what possible idiosyncrasy could posses a deity to create something with hair in its armpits??…………….I seriously want to know why we have hair in our armpits??”

That is some seriously persuasive sales copy, am I right? But for reals, I don’t know why this site cracks me up so much, especially seeing as that the real Yvette’s web site likely died some time in 2006. It was a legit bridal shop once upon a time, but who knows what happened to it in the interim. Kudos to whoever took it over, as the site offers a few minutes of amusement for those super sick of looking at badly-designed bridal salon web sites that are supposed to be elegant (instead of painfully ironic).

Before you actually visit the chaos that is Yvette’s, please heed these warnings:

Warning I: Music will play. Loudly. On the front page, a piece commemorating the Battle of Flodden Field plays. Different music plays on every single page.

Warning II: Looking at Yvette’s site too long may cause blindness and/or deafness. Possibly also insanity.

Now that I’ve gotten that out of the way, have a look at the map, the poetry, the artwork, and the bizarre ramblings of what must be a junior grade conspiracy theorist. Oh, and this… Popeye and peeping? Wind me up!

Here’s wishing you and yours the most fabulous, most decadent, most love-filled, most glorious 2009! I’ll just have to imagine that you had as much fun last night as these brazen bridesmaids are having in this photograph… and that you’re not paying for it today.