I’m Not Very Religious, But….
It’s inevitable, really. Weddings are almost indelibly connected in our cultural minds with churches, less people go regularly to church, and few of us remain close enough to our physical roots to continue attending the churches we grew up in (assuming we had one to begin with).
So when it comes time to pick a ceremony venue and celebrant, many find themselves wanting a church but not having one of their own. Not to panic. If you don’t have a regular church (synagogue, temple, etc.) but want to be married in your faith or that of your intended, or if you’re getting married in a place where neither of you lives, you still can probably to make it happen. Even if the only reason you’re choosing a church wedding is to make grandma accept the whole thing, it may still be able to do it. Just keep in mind a few simple rules, and chances are you can have your church wedding.
1) A Church is not a banquet hall. It really is up to the religious leader to decide whether or not you can get married there. You may find that if you have no strong family ties to that particular church and do not regularly attend services that you are not welcome to get married there, period. In fact, you may be turned down for any reason the minister, priest, pastor, rabbi, etc. considers important. If you are not a member in good standing with the church, then it is their absolute right to turn you down, and you have no legal recourse. If you have your heart set on a church wedding – no matter what the reason – and you are not active in your faith, you may have to be flexible about which church you marry in. Oh, and if a member of the congregation wants to get married the same day you do, you may find yourself bumped back. After all, you’re not a member.
2) Be up front about any reasons why this particular church may not wish to marry you. Unlike city hall, churches are allowed to refuse to marry any couple who: have been living together before marriage, include one or more divorces in their past, are of different faiths, are different races, have had children out of wedlock…or whatever else is considered an insurmountable sin in that faith/congregation. If you’ve got something in your past (or present) that may make the church you’d like to marry in not want to marry you, be honest about it. Let them know. Don’t take the chance of being caught out in a lie. Don’t fool a religious community into an act they consider sinful.
3) You may have to jump through some hoops, so be prepared to jump with enthusiasm. Even if you have chosen a church that is open to the life you’ve led and willing to take your rental fees, you may be required to meet some expectations on their part, as well. Some will ask you to take pre-marriage counseling, others will want you to attend a certain number of services before the wedding. There could be another requirement. Whatever it is, recognize their right to ask it in return for their services. If you find that you cannot meet their requirements, don’t expect special favors.
4) Show respect for the church. I’m not saying you should compromise your beliefs. Just be respectful. Arrive dressed in a way that will not shock or offend the nice people you are asking to perform your marriage ceremony. Be punctual. If you have a problem or a disagreement, keep your cool and mind your manners in discussing it.
5) Their site, their rules. If you are told no real rose petals, then don’t strew real rose petals. If the church does not allow secular music, don’t try to convince them that the Harry Potter theme is really a hymn they forgot about. If alcohol is forbidden, wait until you have left the premises to break out the bubbly. If photography is forbidden during the ceremony, make sure the word gets to all your guests and your photographer. If you can’t live with the rules given you, thank the nice people for their time and let them know you’re making other arrangements after all.
Thousands of couples every year marry in churches to which they have no strong personal ties. It certainly can be done. Many are happy to take your rental fees in these hard economic times, too. Just put your nicest, politest foot forward and see how it works out for all involved.
My mother is the wedding coordinator for her church. The stipend is small, but there are two or three weddings a month. It’s a nice little church with a chapel for small weddings and a couple of different options if you want to hold the reception there as well.
The biggest issues Mom has had so far are over flowers. The church doesn’t mind what flowers you have, but if you don’t take them with you when you leave or make arrangements in advance, then they’ll be on the altar for the Sunday service and distributed to the elderly or ill in the congregation afterward. Yet there are brides who call on Monday and want to pick up the flowers.
It’s in the contract the church signs when they take the money for the wedding.
And that’s why it’s important to read your contract all the way through, no matter whom it is with.
BTW, I think your mothers’ church’s policy is both practical and thoughtful of the congregation. It’s a good one.
Well said, Twistie! I’ve run across at least a few message board rants from brides upset that the church they’re marrying in won’t let them have bare shoulders or play “The Wedding March” or skip premarital counseling. But the truth is, if you want to get married in their house, you’ve got to play by their rules. And if you find those rules offensive or upsetting, it’s probably best to seek out another church that’s a better fit for you.
I think something to add would be that even if you don’t get married at the church itself, clergypeople may still have requirements like premarital counseling. I grew up Episcopalian, and while neither my husband nor I go to church, the pastor from the church I grew up in did our wedding. He’s a family friend, and my parents are still members, but he did require us to do the premarital counseling. Frankly, it was a good experience for me and my husband anyway, so it ended up being a win-win. And when our wedding venue wanted to charge us for the rehearsal before the wedding, the pastor let us use the church hall for free!
An excellent point, KTB, which I completely spaced on in the article. Thanks for bringing it up.
I had my heart set on a particular church, even though we weren’t members of the congregation. We attended services regularly for about a year and a half, and we went to pre-marital counseling with the priest. And yet it wasn’t fatal! Seriously, if there’s something about the church that appeals to the couple enough to want to get married there, maybe it’s worth seeing what else the church has to offer. Sometimes it’s worth acceding to the church’s requirements, in order to wind up with what you want.
Great post! I’m a member of a pretty big church, and never even considered getting married there. I wanted an outdoor wedding, and my church doesn’t allow dancing at weddings besides the traditional father/daughter, bride/groom. I can totally understand that because sometimes dancing can get a little out of hand, but I LOVE to dance.
Our church kind of has weddings as last on the list priority for facilities. They won’t bump someone once they’re on it, but weddings aren’t a huge priority. I think part of that is because we have so many other things going on there, different organizations love holding meetings and events there and can do it for free. Brides are often emotional and can be very demanding, sometimes it’s just not fun to deal with. The biggest problem our church seems to have is the no alcohol rule. So many times wedding parties have broken out home brews claiming it’s “root beer”. I think that’s really disrespectful. Thanks for pointing out that you should follow the rules of your venue.