Upon first glance, this wedding gown from St. Pucchi Couture appears nothing short of gorgeous.

The huge flowers in the skirt are a little over the top, but isn’t a wedding gown supposed to be a little out there? And while the fullness of the skirt wouldn’t be for everyone, there are those of us who would gladly strut around town dragging a huge and possibly heavy cluster of fabric rosettes around our calves and thighs.

But look closer… that’s not ketchup or motor oil staining the bodice.

Nope, they’re cut-outs. Big circular cut-outs. All sizes. Placed randomly around the gut. Perhaps that is why the obviously depressed bridal model has chosen to isolate herself from the world in what appears to be an abandoned mental health facility?

Hello young caption lovers, wherever you are! It’s time once again to play Twistie’s Sunday Caption Madness. You know how this works. I post a picture that’s simply crying out to be captioned. You provide the funniest captions you can think of in the comments section. Next saturday, I declare a winner and there is much rejoicing.

Got that?

Good! Then let’s get started:

Ready…set…snark!

The warm weather of late has put me in mind of two of my favorite underused accessories: fans and parasols.

Many of us don’t even think about these lovely, graceful goodies to keep us cool when it comes to weddings. When we think of what the bride and bridesmaids will carry, we assume it will be flowers. Obviously there’s nothing whatsoever wrong with flowers. Flowers are great. They’re attractive and appropriate to every season.

On the other hand, there’s nothing wrong with not using flowers for your hand-held accessories. Many a bride and bridesmaid down the ages has carried a fan, a parasol, a prayer book, or nothing at all in her hands. There are dozens of reasons for it, too. Someone in the wedding party may have severe allergies that make handing her a bouquet (let alone surrounding her with them) a dangerous idea. If the wedding is out of doors and someone in the party burns easily, there’s nothing like a parasol to protect delicate skin while looking awesome. Me? I like a good prop. It makes a nice picture and gives nervous hands something to keep them in one spot.

Not convinced of the cool of alternatives to bouquets? Take a look at a few examples of how great they can look:

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I was thinking the other day about a post from quite a while ago. You may remember the story of the bride who sued her wedding florist, Posy Floral Design, for $400,000 after they substituted pastel pink and green hydrangeas for dark rust and green hydrangeas in the reception centerpieces, ruining her wedding. While I understand that Elana Glatt was angry and disappointed that she didn’t get the wedding flowers she really wanted, I have to wonder if a lawsuit was the right way to handle her feelings.

I won’t argue that it’s a bride’s right to seek compensation when a vendor contract is breached. Glatt asked for one thing and received another. But I can’t help but ask what she’ll remember when she looks back on her wedding day, say, twenty years from now. Will it be the gorgeous kiss she shared with her spouse at the climax of her wedding ceremony? Perhaps the delicious cake that was served at the reception? Or will Glatt look back and find that what comes to mind is both feelings of anger and visions of spending time in court?

There is, as both Twistie and I have asserted on many occasions, no such thing as a truly perfect wedding. Then again, maybe there is. If you can look back on your wedding day and remember all the good things that happened while putting all the annoyances out of your thoughts, then that sounds pretty perfect to me. Yes, the cat walked on your train with his little muddy paws while you were posing for photographs. And your FIL got a little too drunk and broke his wrist trying to breakdance at the reception. But you got married. Successfully, I might add. What some brides and grooms call catastrophes can even make for some funny anecdotes years later.

Yes, I lied a little in the title of this post — there are indeed ways a wedding can be truly ruined. Wedding guests and participants can get sick or even die. Natural disasters or man-made disasters can interfere. The bride or groom not showing up certainly applies. But I know from personal experience that many of the disappointments or situations that have the potential to ruin a wedding only actually do so when the bride or the groom can’t let go of them after the fact. Instead of recalling the ninety-nine good things that happened, they remember the one bad thing, and it colors their remembrances forevermore.

If one of those circumstances mentioned at the start of the previous paragraph happen to you, I give you full license to call your wedding ruined. But if it’s something else, like your wedding gown not shipping forcing you to choose an alternate dress or a misspelling of your new name on your last-minute programs, I’d ask you to think carefully before making such a pronouncement. Did you get married? Did your guests congratulate you on a beautiful ceremony? Did you dance and kiss and smile at the reception? Was the champagne delicious? Were the bouquets beautiful?

I bet the answer to those and most similar questions would be a resounding yes. So seek out financial compensation if you really need to because a contract hasn’t been fulfilled, but please, please don’t let one detail ruin your wedding in your mind. As goofy as it sounds, you have the power to have that so-called perfect wedding, but only if you allow yourself to think of it as perfect, flaws and all.

Love… hate. Love? Hate?

Ha ha, just kidding. How loudly can a gal yell “Hate!” anyhow? I mean, what the hell was St. Pucchi thinking? Hmmm, we’ve succeeded in creating the dowdiest wedding dress ever, but just how can we really dull it down even more? I know! Let’s wrap a dead animal around the midsection and the arms, just to give it that extra bit of width every bride craves. This is one time I simply cannot blame the bridal model for looking less than thrilled.

What say you?

If you’re a bridesmaid looking to insure that people attending a bachelorette party or shower actually talk to one another or a bride who wants to be sure that no one will be bored at the reception, wedding-themed scratch-off tickets may be the answer. These scratch-off game cards are like lottery tickets, but instead of revealing that, no, you didn’t win any cash, they reveal trivia questions about the couple to be married meant to inspire discussion among bridal shower guests or wedding guests sitting at the same table.

It’s a cute idea for those with extra cash to spread around on useless-but-fun favors, but won’t be everyone’s cup of tea… especially since they can cost up to $1 per card, money perhaps better spent on a truly conversation-worthy cake. But that’s all right, since Mitsy at ArtMind has posted DIY instructions for scratch-off tickets you can customize any which way.

It looks easy enough to personalize with your own text and wedding colors — the hardest part would probably be coming up with and printing out the different cards.

Big thanks to xkcd for reminding all of us what a slippery slope marriage really is.