Comments on: Second Weddings: Myths and Facts

By: Melesha

Melesha — Mon, 21 Dec 2009 23:55:24 +0000

I know I had more money for my second wedding than my first. So it was much nicer.

By: tba

tba — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 18:34:17 +0000

Precisely. Who am I to criticize eternal wedding bliss that will end up in another divorce 5 years down the road? Go big or go home.

By: Julie

Julie — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 17:58:26 +0000

Also, anytime people talk about second weddings, they seem to assume divorce. I’m currently helping my father plan his second wedding after the death of my mother several years ago. Why is there still this feeling that this wedding is less-than when absolutely no one I know of would find the marriage “wrong”?

By: Shelly

Shelly — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 17:28:23 +0000

Thank you, La BellaDonna, I will check out your links!

In a way, I feel more celebratory about this wedding than my first one. I feel intensely grateful to have found love after heartbreak, and in my mind, I think it’s an even more serious thing to give yourself over to love and marriage a second time, knowing how much it can hurt you if it doesn’t work out. I think it takes so much more vulnerability and trust- but being lucky enough to have found someone worthy of that much trust makes me so very happy.

By: La BellaDonna

La BellaDonna — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 17:04:10 +0000

I really appreciate this post. I’ve hated the way that some people seemed really eager to find ways in which to curtail other people’s joy and celebration. Because a second wedding is SHAMEFUL! Shame, shame, SHAME! Ugh. How many of us got married expecting it to fail? I gave mine a twenty-five-year effort; if I should unexpectedly find someone who actually loves me, why wouldn’t that be deserving of celebration? I’d like to think that the days of telling twenty-two-year-old widows that they “can’t” wear a veil or a white dress for a second wedding are over.

Shelly, if you go to NtB’s post a few days back (the post showing short white wedding dresses), in the comments, I listed a number of websites that carry reproduction vintage and/or short wedding dresses. If you’re looking for a sleeker silhouette than the princess type, you might find a 30s or 40s reproduction dress to your taste.

By: Twistie

Twistie — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 16:31:12 +0000

It’s a little-known fact that I am, in fact, Mr. Twistie’s second wife. Of course, the old rules about no white, no attendants, etc. pertained more to a second time bride than groom. Back then, the groom was expected to attend the wedding ‘appropriate’ to his wife’s circumstances.

Oh, and like NtB, I have never heard the ‘nobody may toast’ thing. I also agree (as does Miss Manners, et al) that writing ‘no gifts’ on any wedding stationery is the height of crassness. It assumes that people will give gifts to begin with, which is never a polite assumption. Any information about what gifts might be appreciated or that they won’t be appreciated at all is properly spread via word of mouth.

Most of the rules about what’s appropriate for a second time bride went flying out the window about forty years ago. These days it’s about celebrating rather than slinking to the altar. My feeling is that a wedding is (and ought to be) a joyful celebration. If your idea of celebrating happens to include a pouffy dress and a bevy of bridesmaids, I say go for it.

By: kate

kate — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 16:02:14 +0000

thank you thank you thank you for this post. particularly for pointing out that it may be the other party’s first wedding. I had my second wedding last year, but it was my now-husband’s first (only! ). If there were grumbles about too big of a to-do for a second wedding, they fortunately never reached my ears. I wore a somewhat poofy white gown, altho I did draw the line at a veil. that seemed to scream “virgin” more than i was comfortable with.
i think you hit all the big points, tho.

By: Shelly

Shelly — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 15:39:38 +0000

Thanks for this post! I’m actually planning my second wedding and I’m pretty much doing whatever I darn well please. My fiance has never been married and I want to plan a wedding that he will love- which means that it will be a little larger and fancier than I consider ideal, but I am very comfortable compromising in this area. As for a ceremony, I plan to have a brief one in the same venue as the reception, but that’s more a point of convenience than anything else- I don’t want my guests to have to find parking at two different places in my city! I will probably have a white or ivory dress because it is hard to find dresses that look suitable for a wedding that are not white, but I am describing my dream dress as “the exact opposite of the poofy princess dress, and also maybe short.”
The only thing has thus far bothered me is my parents rather bluntly telling me that since they’ve already paid for a wedding, they “don’t have to” pay for a second one. I hadn’t asked them to pay for my wedding (and had no intention of asking them) when they said this. I was like “That’s fine, but it’s not like I intended for my first marriage to end!” The way they said it just sounded very blame-y, if that makes sense. (And my first marriage ended under really upsetting circumstances that were in no way my fault, so it’s doubly hurtful.)
On the other hand, them not paying has been a godsend it terms of guest list management.
Mom: “Can I invite so and so’s second cousin’s twice removed best friend?”
Me: “You can’t invite anyone. You’re not paying for the wedding.” >=)
I do then go on to say that I will look at my budget and consider whether or not I can invite that person. I’m not completely heartless.