Posture, Ur Doin It Wrong

In addition to their scowls and smirks, bridal models are usually sporting at least a mild case of scoliosis or lordosis. At best, they’re slightly hunched. At worst, they’ve contorted themselves into positions typically reserved for those touring with Cirque du Soleil. I don’t want brides-to-be to get the wrong idea about what constitutes good posture on one’s wedding day, so with the help of Amoretti Weddings I’ve put together a short presentation I’m calling “How Not to Stand On Your Wedding Day.”

posture brides 2

Don’t slouch. It makes you appear sad or scared and even worse, those of you who aren’t 98% fat free will not be able to help looking thick around the middle. This model also appears to have to go to the bathroom rather badly… not a good look.

wedding gown posture

Darling, your pits smell fine so please remove your nose from them. Or at least go check your odor in the privacy of a bathroom stall. Or perhaps the model is a hunchback and the belt under her bosom is actually covering her entire midsection?

bridal model posture

Contrary to popular belief, you can wave to your lover who is standing in the courtyard below without listing dangerously toward starboard. Why listen to little ol’ me? List too far and you risk defenestration.

bridal posture

I can’t even tell what’s going on here. The model seems to be rounding her shoulders forward, ensuring a none-too-subtle jutting of the clavicles. One would think that would give the appearance of a concave tummy, but the model also seems to be sticking her stomach out while simultaneously pushing out her tush. Then again, maybe she’s standing as straight as she can.

wedding gown posture 2

If someone has ripped off your arms and sewn them on backward on your wedding day of all days, you get a free pass to stand like this. Otherwise, please refrain from performing optical illusions with your body until you and your new spouse are alone in your hotel room.

10 Responses to “Posture, Ur Doin It Wrong”

  1. Silvia says:

    Thanks for posting this! I can’t tell you how many times I see these wedding magazine pictures and cringe! The models looks deformed when they pose like that!

  2. Leah says:

    I think the last one is the best!
    Perhaps her arms were replaced backwards to make room for the demon wings that she is sprouting from her waist tie.

  3. SusanC says:

    Perhaps model #4 is reacting to having her veil caught in the door behind her?

    Great post! I look forward to more edification- perhaps you can tackle the makeup and hair styles that the models often sport? Judging from the pix I’ve seen, there’s lots of wanna be undead raccoons who get married in wind tunnels.

  4. Don’t you love the word “defenestrate?”

  5. Twistie says:

    @ class factotum: ‘Defenestrate’ is one of my all-time favorite words. In fact, one of my favorite operas is The Defenestration of Figaro. ; p

    @NtB: You have hit on one of my biggest pet peeves and made me giggle uncontrollably. Thank you.

  6. modern-bride says:

    Lol! Love this. Maybe their posture is a result of vitamin deficiency – obviously they’re not eating much from these pictures :). Love the third dress though.

  7. Margo says:

    Is it about pushing forward the boobs while showing off the razor-sharp clavicles? Or are the photographers just really bored sadists? Will we ever know?

  8. Lauren says:

    These girls have been listening to Tyra too much. “Model jeans like you were wearing couture, and do the broke-down model poses for couture.”

    These are almost as amazing as slutty brides. Those guys are the BEST.

    These ladies lack enough sandwich-power to hold these heavy dresses up.

  9. Sarah Elizabeth says:

    Maybe they’re all rather constipated