Too Fat to be a Bridesmaid?

You know, I would love to live in a world where this issue only comes up on Bridezillas. After all, the entire point of the show is to make the subjects look as crazed, confused, and deranged as possible. Alas, this is something that gets mention in a lot of other fora, and made its way into a live chat with advice columnist Carolyn Hax on friday. Here’s what the question looked like:

Bridezilla: So I just learned today that my college friend, A, disinvited another college friend, B, to be in her wedding in two months because B is fat (she’s about 5’3″, 200lbs) and would ruin the pictures and how everyone looks at her on her big day. She did tell me that if B lost some weight, she’d let her back in the wedding party. I can’t communicate in polite enough terms how offended and appalled and disgusted I am by A’s behavior. Her rationale is that B promised to lose the weight by the wedding but didn’t, and that whenever there is a big bridesmaid everyone is looking at her and not the bride. I am so angry about her nastyness that I can’t even think straight. Is it kosher for me to drop out in solidarity with B (with whom I am actually not that close)? What is the best way for me to communicate back to A that she is a gigantic -glass bowl-? I am stunned. I don’t know if I even want to be friends anymore. FWIW, B hosted a bridal shower, has come to all the food tasting/clothes fittings/other assorted crap. She’s a good egg – we don’t click personally, but I am really at a loss for how someone does this. I heard from mutual friend C that B spent the morning crying her eyes out. I would too! What can I say to B that will help her?

Take a moment to soak the thought in: after throwing the shower and being involved in every decision making field trip, a bridesmaid was removed from the wedding party for being the shape she’d apparently been when she was asked in the first place. She’s done the work, supported the bride, and given a party, but she doesn’t get to take her place at the bride’s side on the wedding day because apparently one fat bridesmaid means nobody will even notice the woman in the big white dress with all the lines.

Want to know what Carolyn replied? Here it is:

Carolyn Hax: Everything you hope to accomplish, you can accomplish in one move: End your friendship with A (which obviously includes dropping out of the wedding). When A asks, tell her exactly why. B doesn’t even need to hear it from you; it’ll make its way around. I hope C follows your lead.

Kudos, Carolyn.

When choosing a wedding party, there are things far more important to consider than whether your wedding album looks like a pile of stock photos for a wedding magazine. Choose people you love, choose clothes for them that make them look and feel their best, thank them for any help they give, and I guarantee that your pictures will look fabulous because they’re filled with people you love.


12 Responses to “Too Fat to be a Bridesmaid?”

  1. kt says:

    Oh god, I hope the bride falls into a pool or something while reciting her vows like that one possibly fake youtube video. How could you ever do that to a friend?

  2. Melissa B. says:

    I wish I could say I thought that situation was made-up, but I’ve seen similar queries on message boards from brides that read something like this: “I asked my old high school friend to be a bridesmaid, but she’s fat, and I realized she’s going to look awful in the pictures. Is it OK to fire her, even though she hasn’t actually done anything wrong? I just don’t want a fat bridesmaid ruining my pictures.”

    No. No, it is NOT OK. For cripes’ sake, who thinks like that? It’s a wedding, not a photo shoot for the latest Vera Wang ad campaign. Is having skinny wedding party members really more important than having wedding party members who love and support you? All I can hope is that B, C, and the letter writer all see A’s true colors now, and don’t bother trying to be her friend from now on, since apparently if you gain a few pounds you no longer have feelings in A’s world.

  3. I didn’t realize friendship came with a weight requirement. The letter writer definitely needs to ditch the bitch.

  4. Whoa, that is just SO wrong! I would certainly drop out of the wedding party and tell A exactly why I was doing so. People come in all shapes and sizes, and if the bride is so concerned with how those shapes and sizes will impact her wedding photos, perhaps she should hire her bridesmaids from a modeling agency. I’m surprised A even had friends enough to put together a bridal party!

  5. La Petite Acadienne says:

    And if I was B, I’d be calling up A’s vendors and having some fun. Well, maybe I wouldn’t. But it’d be fun to imagine all of the delightful ways in which I could get my revenge on such a superficial, backstabbing individual.

    And I looooove the photo of all of the bridesmaids in differing shades of green. What a lovely, lovely idea. That bride obviously deserves all of those smiling, happy friends with whom she’s surrounded herself.

  6. gi-gi says:

    Oh! what an insult.? if you are a friend, don’t look to the physical aspect, you need to change your behavior regarding this attitude towards your peers, this is a very big insult to them as a person. This is a wedding for God sake,not a fashion show event. Just be sensitive to the feelings of others.

  7. Pencils says:

    As someone who has struggled with her weight her entire life, I can’t tell you how offended I am by that story. Not that it’s new, I heard similar things on wedding blogs and message boards when I was planning my wedding. That bride doesn’t deserve to have friends. And she’s wrong anyway–people generally don’t stare at fat women, they look away after a sec. I’ve been that fat woman, so I know. It’s like you’ve offended them somehow by your very (fat) presence. Anyway, I hope B, the bridesmaid, realizes that the problem isn’t her, it’s the nasty, unfeeling bride, and that all the other bridesmaids drop out. Although I doubt the bride will understand at all anyway, those sort of people never do.

  8. SusanC says:

    Yup, best to drop that friend and bow out of the wedding now! After all, if you twisted a foot while hiking between now and then and had to limp around with on a cane, it would also “ruin” her wedding pictures (and the wedding video). Or maybe you might get a big zit or might be the victim of a bad haircut. Best to be cautious and cancel out, right?

    Wouldn’t it be funny if the bride didn’t have anyone left in her wedding party because everyone cancelled due to such trivial concerns as above? She might have to hire some attractive extras to fill in. Of course, she sounds like the kind of person who would think that was a GREAT idea.

  9. AnthroK8 says:

    I am usually “comfort the transgressed, don’t jump on the transgressor.” But in this case, I would do both. I’d call the bride, leave the wedding party, explain why, and hang up the phone. And then I would call the bridesmaid not to tell her what I had done, but to tell her I am really sorry she was treated so badly.

    Not. Cool. Vile, even.

  10. Jennie says:

    And sent the bitch a bill for any expenses incurred, post everything on Facebook and Twitter and call every common friend/aquantance with the story. When people know what an ungrateful, shallow, and self absorbed waste of oxygen this person is, maybe she can have the wedding all alone in her imagined perfection.

  11. Raven1025 says:

    So, a local radio station has a bit on their morning show called, “How will they take it?” Last week, a bride calls, and in the scenario described above, she would be the bride. She called the bridesmaid, on a radio show, and told her she had two months to lose the weight. The bridesmaid dropped out. Then, the bride came back on the show, and basically played the victim. She said that she was always there for her friend, and offered to get her a personal trainer and plan a diet, and she could have stayed in the wedding if she would just lose the weight. She then mentioned that she lost another bridesmaid, and that the bridesmaid totally made up the conflict of her grandmother’s birthday. She also mentioned that her caterer canceled due to hearing the story. So, she basically said that her life (and her wedding) were ruined over this, poor, poor, her.

    I can’t believe that someone like that actually thinks they are a good friend. Not to mention, what is the guy like that is marrying her? I am sad that people think that type of behavior is acceptable. I would like to think that the bride would come around one day and feel remorse, but that is a long shot.

  12. Mandy says:

    She should have NOT asked her in the first place if she did not fit her twisted standards. That is so RUDE!