The Relaxation of Wedding Etiquette Rules
By Christa TerryYou might have caught me gaping like a goldfish at my radio earlier this week after listening to a program that invited listeners to call in and spout off about including registry information in wedding invitations. At the start of the segment, I was curious to hear people’s opinions but I was pretty sure that a majority of callers would speak out against registry cards or printing wedding registry information right on the invites.
Boy, was I wrong. With the exception of one or two callers, most were solidly pro registry cards! If you’ll allow me to paraphrase a few callers, I heard sentiments like “Having the registry details right there on the wedding invitation lets me buy the couple something they actually want.” and “I don’t want to have to track down the registry by calling relatives of the bride; I just want to know what she wants so I can get it.” Reeeaaally? It’s never been too much trouble for me to ring up or email the bride or the groom or someone who’d be in the know to find out where the couple is registered, but maybe that’s just me.
That’s not the only wedding etiquette rule I see losing its influence, however. Once upon a time, it was déclassé for the mother of the bride or sister of the bride or anyone else in the bride’s immediate family to host the bridal shower, but nowadays no one seems to care. I can understand the relaxation of this rule, since it’s now uncommon for the MOH or bridesmaids to live nowhere near the bride or her family. And if your bridesmaids are your sisters, what then? Other wedding etiquette rules that apparently no longer hold much sway (if the message boards I read are any indication) include asking specifically for cash in lieu of gifts, wearing white for second weddings as a no-no… and those are just the rules for the bride and groom.
I think part of the reason behind the relaxation of some wedding etiquette rules is that no one is taught them anymore. Another part might be the rejection of following rules for the rules’ sake, and it may even be that people just don’t care that much about good manners anymore. I’ll admit that I’m glad to see some rules go, like all of the ridiculous non-rules about wearing white and the rule that says that the MOB can’t host the shower even though she’s perfectly placed to host it. But asking for cash? And including registry information in an invitation? That just lets me know that you’re more concerned with getting a gift than you are with the answer on my RSVP card. Or am I simply being too old fashioned?
February 3rd, 2010 at 9:21 am
We stuck to traditional etiquette and did not put registry info on the invites. But then NO ONE got us things off the registry. We put the cash towards completing the registry ourselves (yay discount!). Still not sure what to do with all of the decorative vases and platters…..
February 3rd, 2010 at 9:59 am
When I was a MOH, the MOB offered right off the bat to host the shower. I took pause and slight offense – isn’t that what I’M supposed to do? Alas, my work schedule is wonky (the bride and I live near each other, yet I haven’t seen her since the wedding eight months ago), and I don’t make much money. See, in my experience, no one seems to have showers at homes (which I’ve read was the norm when the etiquette was established) – instead, they rent out a private room at a restaurant and have a buffet.
As for registry info with the invites, it always amused me that Wedding Channel said it was inappropriate … and yet it provided cards for envelope stuffing.
February 3rd, 2010 at 10:52 am
I am against putting the registry info on the actual invite. However, if there is a second card with more info, say a map or schedule of events, I’m ok with the registry info on there. Or even better, simply a link to a website which then has the registry info on THAT. (Plus, that way it’s all clickable and the couple can generate links that take you directly to their registry.)
Personally, I generally just try plugging in the couple’s names at a few common places (Target, BB&B, Crate and Barrel, Pottery Barn, etc…) and see if a registry pops up. However, I realize that many people are not that industrious or web-savvy.
February 3rd, 2010 at 11:25 am
I have to agree that registry info DOES NOT go on an invite. I was frankly amazed at a recent wedding that even the normally-etiquette-brilliant MOG did not say anything about it. I agree that it’s not too hard to call or plug in names, although I am afraid that no one will buy us anything we want/need if we don’t cave in to the pressure to be declasse! We will just have to see what we see. And if people go off the beaten path and get us odd things? Well, there’s always Craigslist!
February 3rd, 2010 at 1:01 pm
Personally, I think it IS old-fashioned to insist that registry info is not included with the invitation, or accessible anywhere at all except by making a phone call.
As a guest, I want to know that my gift is something that the couple wants or needs. I don’t want to be forced to track down the info as if it’s something secret. I have never felt that including the info was a request for a gift. Rather, it is a courtesy for me, as their guest, to not have to go on a scavenger hunt to find the information I need.
I have so far been in 8 weddings, and in every single one I have seen the bride and groom “showered” with bunches of useless and tacky JUNK. Even if the gift is really nice, if it’s not something they will use it is a waste of a gift. Of course they appreciate the giver, and they have always gracefully accepted every gift they were given. But in an age where we are OVERRUN with STUFF, it is more and more important to not accumulate a bunch of crap that you’re just going to send to the thrift store or a landfill when your wedding is over. That is why people register for gifts.
It seems absolutely ridiculous to go to the trouble of registering for gifts, when you KNOW that people are going to be giving you gifts, if you aren’t allowed to tell anyone where you registered. It is NOT common knowledge that you have to ask the bride’s family for the secret registry information. I am 28, and have been in eight weddings, and very few of my friends or peers know that sort of info. It simply isn’t taught anymore, probably because people don’t think it is important.
Summary: telling people that you registered for gifts isn’t the same as asking for a gift. So long as you accept whatever you are given with grace, I think it is perfectly appropriate.
February 3rd, 2010 at 1:33 pm
Personally I’m still uncomfortable with having registry cards in the invitation. As someone who has had to attend weddings on a paltry budget, I can tell you that it’s not a great feeling when registry cards fall out of the envelope and my first thought is “I hope I can afford to get them something nice.” But I do agree with the other Melissa that not having the info accessible anywhere can get a wee bit annoying. I think including registry info on a website is a solid compromise. I found that the tech-savvy folks in our age group located our registries with no problem, and older folks just called my mom or his mom.
February 3rd, 2010 at 4:07 pm
We were planning on making a wedding website so that we’d have an appropriate place to put the registry info, but then we found out that the place we registered, myregistry.com, has these free eCards that put your own photo on to email to people who want to know where you’re registered. We figured this would be a good way to use our engagement photos and it seemed less tacky then putting a card in with the invites. Also, we didn’t really have much else to say on a wedding website so I was glad we found this solution.
February 3rd, 2010 at 6:36 pm
No, you are not being too old fashioned, NtB.
Putting a registry in the invite is tacky, Tacky, TACKY. While indeed most wedding attendees do give gifts, a gift is technically optional and is not a ticket for admission. Nor is it the price for merely receiving an invite, for those who wonder “Do the people that can’t come to my wedding still owe me a gift?” With respect, I disagree with an earlier poster: announcing you are registered for gifts IS asking people for gifts- or at the very least, telling people that you expect some loot, and it damn well better be nice or else.
And here’s a hard fact: registries don’t prevent bad gifts. The people who will look at your wedding as a happy excuse to clear their closet will not be dissuaded from regifting that talking trout clock or unloading the Hummel figurines they inherited from Grandma, even if you emboss “Presents from my registries at Macy’s, Crate and Barrel and Bloomingdales only, totalling at least $100 per person, please” in 24 point Italic right under RSVP.
Also, please do not tell me in this age of iPhones, Blackberries, and IM that it is soooooo hard to call, text or email the bride/groom-to-be to ask “Hey, you guys registered anywhere?” (And then, yes, you can send them your weblinks). If someone can’t be bothered to do that, do you think they will put any effort into picking out a nice gift, whether it was on the registry or not?
So, please, NtB, stick to your guns here. It seems a chunk of the under-30 crowd apparently hasn’t been taught by their parents (or didn’t listen to them) and they need to learn this somewhere. Else we shall soon see registries popping up in invitations for *every* social event. Although I’m afraid that’s already happening…
February 3rd, 2010 at 7:28 pm
A separate note in the invitation that says “Your presence at our wedding is the best gift you can give us. If you chose to buy a present, we are registered at…..” And make sure you have registered for $15.00 items as well as $150.00 items (actually a heck of a lot more of the former than the later). That way they have a clue what to buy if they chose and you get something you want. One of my BBF’s was registered only at a home center and a discount store. The gift table was covered with rakes, shovels, and everyday usable cookware, pot holders, and silly useful home stuff… We had the best time ever.
February 3rd, 2010 at 11:01 pm
Ok, I’m confused. I understand not putting registry info on a wedding invitation, or even in the envelope on a separate card, but does the same rule go for shower invitations? I’ve been in 9 weddings, have been involved in showers for almost all, have thrown baby showers, and just recently created the invitations to my sister-in-law’s baby shower. At the bottom of the invitation, I put her registry information. I mean the shower is technically an event that revolves around gifts. Why wouldn’t we make it easier for guests by putting the info with the invitation? Most of the events I’ve gone to have involved woman who are predominantly immigrants, who have never used a computer or iPhone, and who would more likely be annoyed than pleased to not be given the information.
I also agree that if one does create a registry, he/she should consider the budgets of the guests and include items at a variety of price levels.
February 4th, 2010 at 4:04 am
I’m with Melissa. I’ve only ever been a guest at weddings. To me, putting registry information somewhere immediately accessible–whether on the invite or on an insert–means that I don’t have to worry that I’m getting the couple (of whom I probably only really know half) something they’ll like/agree on.
Etiquette, of which I am a big fan, is about making people feel comfortable. That’s the heart of it, under all the rules. In the old days, there weren’t that many games in town: you knew the socioeconomic status of the couple, you knew which of the three stores they were likely to have registered at. Putting the information on the invite then would have seemed plain rude, an insult to your guests’ intelligence.
Now, there are literally thousands of options. Online registries are simple and efficient, but not if I have to take a chunk of my time–which, as a grad student, is incredibly precious to me–to sift through the Internet looking for them. And yeah, I could have called them, but that’s uncomfortable for me, and not because I don’t care or can’t pick up a phone. The wedding was for a guy I know and like from my program, but I don’t pick up the phone and call him regularly (or even IM or Facebook him regularly)–we don’t chit-chat that much–and it would feel supremely weird to call him just for that purpose. Worse yet would be calling his fiancee, who I hadn’t even met. Either of those conversations would have been agonizingly awkward. Sticking to the old rules, in that case, would have defeated the purpose of etiquette: to alleviate discomfort.
As to whether it’s asking for a gift: Of course I was going to get them a gift. Everyone was going to get them a gift. It’s a non-negotiable social obligation. Pretending that gifts aren’t expected doesn’t make it true. Pretending that gifts aren’t expected, in the sense of not telling me where they’re registered, in no way alleviates my anxiety about purchasing them something appropriate that they’ll like.
The couple’s online registries (at more than one store) contained a variety of gifts in my grad student price range, and I felt perfectly comfortable getting them something from it. Responsible registering can prevent a lot of hurt feelings. And I just don’t see that telling people where you’re registered is the same as saying “Pony up or else.” You can put it in teeny little letters, or put it on the wedding website, and people can ignore it at will.
If etiquette is about making people comfortable–about greasing the wheels of social interaction–then bring on the reality of online shopping. Relieve my ever-present social anxiety, and ease your mind as well.
February 4th, 2010 at 6:40 pm
Oh my goodness, I must be getting old. You invite someone to your wedding to share in your happiness. If they choose to honor you with a gift, what a lovely gesture. I agree with Susan C, a gift is not a requirement. Yes, I received some “unusual” gifts when I was married. Yes, it was a long time ago. I still have the brown macrame something that my best friend’s mother made me in 1981 – not because I could use it, or needed it, or asked for it, but because she took the time and effort to make it for me and to send it to me. I put a great deal of thought into selecting a gift for someone and while I appreciate a registry for ideas, I don’t want to be directed into what I will give them. Okay, I’m done now. Thanks for listening.
February 5th, 2010 at 10:34 am
I find it much more helpful than offensive if the bridal registry information is included with the invite. I have seen some adorable wedding pages that included that information. I don’t care when or how the registry is mentioned, but having access to it without having to hunt it down is a major benefit for me. And honestly, any wedding invite comes with a moment of reflection about the couple, followed immediately by a financial assessment for the month in which the wedding will take place. Weddings are not cheap for their attendees, and I have never attended one that did not also include a cost for clothing and accessories, travel, a gift, tips for the bartender, possibly cab fare or a hotel room and unpaid time off work since most of the weddings I am invited to are out of state. Just picking up the phone to call someone in the bride’s family is not always as easy as it sounds, and is also kind of ridiculous to me. For the last wedding I attended I had never met the bride.
As the bride I would be offended if I had invited a guest who attended my wedding and then sat in judgement of me for putting the registry info with the invitations (or committing any other perceived sin of etiquette).
As a guest I am far more offended when I never get a thank you card acknowledging that my gift was received.
February 5th, 2010 at 4:42 pm
I suppose I wouldn’t be offended if I received registry info in a card, though i did not consider doing it for my own wedding. I would have felt awkward. As a guest though, I suppose I would see it as useful, and it would not occur to me to get offended.
However, a Mother/Sister/etc of bride hosting a shower? Sure! Why on earth not? I am glad this rule is not “taught” anymore, as I don’t see it making much sense.
1) Showers are expected. If you are close to a bride, you almost expect to be invited and give a gift. What does it matter who pays for the party?
2) Parents already often arrange the wedding. What is so different about arranging the shower? Isn’t it all part of the same celebration?
3) Often times, brides are old enough that their mothers are more like friends than guardians. Perhaps a mother is happy and excited for her daughter, but is not involved in the wedding planning and wants to do something special.
4) When you are 21 and in college, and your best friend is getting married, throwing a shower is REALLY EXPENSIVE. I would have considered it a favor if my friend’s mother, who actually has money, had done it.
5) I come from a non-western culture. To me, it seems not at all strange that a mother could arrange such a celebration for her daughter. That implies to me that the taboo against it is more a “rule for the rule’s sake.”
February 6th, 2010 at 1:28 pm
huh. it’s more fraught than I thought. I’m planning on sending out invites this week. I’m planning on including a “logistics” page with parking, dress, etc. and a request to NOT give us gifts (since we’re having a super low-key ceremony and don’t need anything) I did include info on charities people could donate to if they feel the need to give something … but now I don’t know if that sets an expectation that people have to donate.
I really don’t need/ don’t want gifts but I know that some people feel compelled to and will give me a toaster if I don’t give another option.
what do you think? is listing a charity the same as listing a registry?