I really don’t need/ don’t want gifts but I know that some people feel compelled to and will give me a toaster if I don’t give another option.

what do you think? is listing a charity the same as listing a registry?

However, a Mother/Sister/etc of bride hosting a shower? Sure! Why on earth not? I am glad this rule is not “taught” anymore, as I don’t see it making much sense.
1) Showers are expected. If you are close to a bride, you almost expect to be invited and give a gift. What does it matter who pays for the party?
2) Parents already often arrange the wedding. What is so different about arranging the shower? Isn’t it all part of the same celebration?
3) Often times, brides are old enough that their mothers are more like friends than guardians. Perhaps a mother is happy and excited for her daughter, but is not involved in the wedding planning and wants to do something special.
4) When you are 21 and in college, and your best friend is getting married, throwing a shower is REALLY EXPENSIVE. I would have considered it a favor if my friend’s mother, who actually has money, had done it.
5) I come from a non-western culture. To me, it seems not at all strange that a mother could arrange such a celebration for her daughter. That implies to me that the taboo against it is more a “rule for the rule’s sake.”

As the bride I would be offended if I had invited a guest who attended my wedding and then sat in judgement of me for putting the registry info with the invitations (or committing any other perceived sin of etiquette).

As a guest I am far more offended when I never get a thank you card acknowledging that my gift was received.

Etiquette, of which I am a big fan, is about making people feel comfortable. That’s the heart of it, under all the rules. In the old days, there weren’t that many games in town: you knew the socioeconomic status of the couple, you knew which of the three stores they were likely to have registered at. Putting the information on the invite then would have seemed plain rude, an insult to your guests’ intelligence.

Now, there are literally thousands of options. Online registries are simple and efficient, but not if I have to take a chunk of my time–which, as a grad student, is incredibly precious to me–to sift through the Internet looking for them. And yeah, I could have called them, but that’s uncomfortable for me, and not because I don’t care or can’t pick up a phone. The wedding was for a guy I know and like from my program, but I don’t pick up the phone and call him regularly (or even IM or Facebook him regularly)–we don’t chit-chat that much–and it would feel supremely weird to call him just for that purpose. Worse yet would be calling his fiancee, who I hadn’t even met. Either of those conversations would have been agonizingly awkward. Sticking to the old rules, in that case, would have defeated the purpose of etiquette: to alleviate discomfort.

As to whether it’s asking for a gift: Of course I was going to get them a gift. Everyone was going to get them a gift. It’s a non-negotiable social obligation. Pretending that gifts aren’t expected doesn’t make it true. Pretending that gifts aren’t expected, in the sense of not telling me where they’re registered, in no way alleviates my anxiety about purchasing them something appropriate that they’ll like.

The couple’s online registries (at more than one store) contained a variety of gifts in my grad student price range, and I felt perfectly comfortable getting them something from it. Responsible registering can prevent a lot of hurt feelings. And I just don’t see that telling people where you’re registered is the same as saying “Pony up or else.” You can put it in teeny little letters, or put it on the wedding website, and people can ignore it at will.

If etiquette is about making people comfortable–about greasing the wheels of social interaction–then bring on the reality of online shopping. Relieve my ever-present social anxiety, and ease your mind as well.

I also agree that if one does create a registry, he/she should consider the budgets of the guests and include items at a variety of price levels.

Putting a registry in the invite is tacky, Tacky, TACKY. While indeed most wedding attendees do give gifts, a gift is technically optional and is not a ticket for admission. Nor is it the price for merely receiving an invite, for those who wonder “Do the people that can’t come to my wedding still owe me a gift?” With respect, I disagree with an earlier poster: announcing you are registered for gifts IS asking people for gifts- or at the very least, telling people that you expect some loot, and it damn well better be nice or else.

And here’s a hard fact: registries don’t prevent bad gifts. The people who will look at your wedding as a happy excuse to clear their closet will not be dissuaded from regifting that talking trout clock or unloading the Hummel figurines they inherited from Grandma, even if you emboss “Presents from my registries at Macy’s, Crate and Barrel and Bloomingdales only, totalling at least $100 per person, please” in 24 point Italic right under RSVP.

Also, please do not tell me in this age of iPhones, Blackberries, and IM that it is soooooo hard to call, text or email the bride/groom-to-be to ask “Hey, you guys registered anywhere?” (And then, yes, you can send them your weblinks). If someone can’t be bothered to do that, do you think they will put any effort into picking out a nice gift, whether it was on the registry or not?

So, please, NtB, stick to your guns here. It seems a chunk of the under-30 crowd apparently hasn’t been taught by their parents (or didn’t listen to them) and they need to learn this somewhere. Else we shall soon see registries popping up in invitations for *every* social event. Although I’m afraid that’s already happening…