We love weddings around here. We also tend to assume that by the time you come here, you’re probably involved somehow in a wedding (I know it isn’t always the case, but the majority of the time that’s why people are looking for bridal blogs in the first place). We further assume that you know your own mind and heart. The fact remains, though, that most of us at some point in the wedding process wake up in a cold sweat wondering what the holy heck we think we’re doing.
In the vast majority of cases, this is just jitters over a major life change. Many of us have experienced the same feelings over a significant move, applying to grad school, buying a house or car, or even a really drastic haircut. It’s human nature to panic a little over new experiences, and the bigger the change the more likely it is to induce a small freakout or two. The less comfortable you are with being the center of attention, the bigger the panic is likely to be.
Since getting married is a pretty huge change that puts you squarely in the spotlight, the psyche can go a little nuts in the short haul.
Every once in a while, though, it’s not just a momentary worry over doing something really unusual. Sometimes there’s something more serious going on. So how do you tell if you’re just on edge about standing up in front of everybody making a huge life-changing move in public, and how do you tell if it’s your inner compass telling you that you’re headed in completely the wrong direction? Read on and find out.
Pay attention to what sets your panic off. If your trigger is appetizers or fear of being unable to find a diplomatic way to thank Aunt Beulah for her garage sale regifts, chances are you’re just having a small moment because this is something huge you’re doing. Being in the middle of unfamiliar situations often causes us to focus on tiny, niggling details to take our minds off of the bigger picture. We look at the stupid little thing we know we can control. It may be time to rethink how big an affair you’re having or exert a bit more control over the planning, but it’s probably not about your core relationship.
On the other hand, if you start hyperventilating every time the honeymoon comes up, you might have a problem.
Consider what it is about the trigger that’s upsetting you. If you fear your vows because you always get stage fright when you have to speak in public, rehearsals may help. Another thing you can often do in that case is organize the ceremony so your only lines are things like ‘I will’ or ‘I do.’
If you’re a practiced and confident public speaker and those vows are still giving you pause, dig deeper. It may be that you really just need a rewrite to bring some aspect of the ceremony more in line with your core beliefs, or it may be that you’re not as certain as you thought that this is the person for you.
Are you putting off wedding tasks? Are you burying yourself in wedding tasks? Either of these could be a simple case of how you approach things in everyday life, or it could be a sign of something more. Ideally the wedding planning should be getting done efficiently while leaving room for all the other parts of your life, but the ideal is rarely the case. The time to worry is when you’re handling things in a way that’s unusual for you, or taking your usual tack to an unprecedented extreme. Then it’s time to sit down and figure out why you’re doing it and what you’re really avoiding.
Your intended can’t say or do anything right. Look, at this point there’s a good chance that something is really wrong. If everything your intended says or does makes you angry or fearful or sad, it’s time to sit down and take a good long look at the relationship. It’s still possible that this is a rough patch, but if this state has lasted more than a day or two chances are that your gut is trying to tell you something. We all have bad days in our relationships. We all have hyper-sensitive moments. What I’m talking about is a pattern. If you’ve reached this point and stayed there for a while, seriously consider whether it’s time for some couples counseling or whether it’s time to part ways.
Breaking off an engagement is not an easy thing to do. It’s certainly not a fun thing to do. There are times, though, when it’s the best thing for all parties involved. Consider your situation carefully, make your choice deliberately. If that person isn’t your future, let go.
I’d add that anyone who is really confused should talk to something they trust who will also not go blabbing to their SO *and* doesn’t have some kind of innate hatred toward said SO!
Cold feet aren’t always just cold feet, and having an outside perspective (albeit one coming from someone in your corner) can help clarify things.