Say Yes to the Right Second Pair of Eyes
The other day I was watching an episode of Say Yes to the Dress. It’s not a show I go to for a lot of pithy observations, but something struck me in one appointment profiled on the show.
The bride in question was insecure in her own tastes, and made the mistake of bringing along some six people to her appointment, all of whom had strong opinions that varied hugely, none of whom seemed to believe that the bride could have an opinion that differed from theirs.
Every time she came out of the dressing room, half a dozen naysayers started nitpicking like crazy. The first couple of times, the bride was wearing something she hadn’t much liked to begin with, so it didn’t seem to bother her much. On the third try, though, as soon as the gown went on, the bride lit up. She clearly loved the gown.
Then she sashayed happily out only to have her mother, her sisters, and her best friends start telling her everything they hated about the dress. Her face fell about twelve stories. At that point, her mother said the bride obviously didn’t like the dress either because she didn’t look happy. The bride trudged back to the dressing room convinced that she had no taste.
She tried a couple more gowns on, but the spark had gone out of the experience for her.
Result? One bride who left without a dress.
So how could things have gone better? Well, for one thing the bride could have chosen better companions for the trip. What she needed wasn’t a horde of people, but one or two. What she needed wasn’t opinionated, domineering people, but someone who would help her have confidence in her own opinion. What she needed was a good ally.
When you go to pick your wedding gown, it’s important to have someone in your corner, especially if you are shy or not well-versed in bridal fashion. You don’t want to find yourself bullied into wearing someone else’s dream gown.
So how to know who is the perfect person to take with you to the bridal salon?
Don’t take anyone who cares more about giving their opinion than supporting you in making your decision. Seriously, why would you want to take someone along who doesn’t care what you like or dislike? This is your wedding, and you should love what you wear for it. Do not bulldoze yourself by bringing along someone who will bully you out of what you love or into something you hate. I don’t care if it’s your mother, leave her behind if she won’t behave herself.
Don’t worry about what salespeople will think of the person you pick to come with you. If your intended is the perfect person to help you find your perfect look, don’t let the fact that it’s an unusual choice sway you. If your honor attendant is all wrong for the job, pick someone else. Heck, bring your grandfather if he’s the one who will be most helpful to you.
Bring someone who thinks you’re beautiful. I know this seems like something that would go without saying, but it’s amazing how many people can say they love you and then tell you how ugly you are. You want to have someone with you who is thinking in terms of bringing out the best of you rather than covering up supposed flaws.
Bring someone with a sense of humor. Anyone who knows anything about buying a wedding gown knows that it can be a frustrating, confusing experience. Having someone with you who knows how to defuse things and help you find the lighter side is a boon beyond price.
Bring someone who you can count on to be completely honest. While you don’t want to be railroaded, you don’t want someone who won’t give you honest feedback, either. You need someone who will be sensitive to your feelings, but aware of the practical side of the matter, too. After all, you don’t want to look at yourself in the mirror on your wedding day and wonder why your companion failed to mention that you look deathly pale in pure white and ought to have tried it in ivory.
Bring someone who can be diplomatic with sales staff… and who knows when to stop being diplomatic. Salespeople are people, too. Some of them are amazing at their jobs, some are so-so, and some ought never to be allowed near the public again. They are not oracles. They are people doing a tough job for (usually) low pay and a cutthroat commission. It is in their best interests to make you happy. It is much easier for them to do this when you communicate clearly and politely. But if you get stuck with one of the truly rotten ones, you – and your helper – need to know when it’s time to cut your losses and either request help from someone else or leave the appointment.
Bring someone who is willing to help you find the perfect look for you, whether it’s what they like or not. Are you searching for something with a little color to it? Are you as in love with tiaras as you are with your intended? Then it doesn’t matter whether the person helping you look likes those things or not. It’s their job to help you find what you’re looking for, not what they would choose.
No matter what sort of look you’re searching for, having the right person by your side will make it an easier, more pleasant experience. Choose wisely, and have fun!
You failed to mention whether the gown that bride-to-be liked so much flattered her or not. It makes a HUGE difference in judging the behaviors of the so called “nay sayers”. Some people like gowns that make them look good, some do not. Bringing along a huge bunch of “anything goes” people isn’t helpful EITHER. In the end, whether the bride has the gown she wants or not doesn’t really matters… what matters is how she looks in it! That is what will stay forever in the pictures.
I thought this was going to be about wearing glasses at a wedding.
Rosanna, I completely disagree with you. It *does* matter that the bride wears a gown she wants and loves. I find it completely absurd to say that regardless of how she feels about a dress, a bride should pick it based solely on whether or not it’ll look great in pictures. If she’s wearing a dress she hates it will show in the pictures, even if her body looks awesome in it.
Twistie isn’t saying that a bride should bring people with her who will just fluff her up and agree with her about everything – she’s saying that brides need to make sure that they’re bringing people who understand that the dress being flattering is important BUT that the bride’s opinion is as important. I saw the episode of SYTTD and it was heartbreaking to watch the bride’s family/friends completely ignore how happy she was and her reaction to the dress because of their own, conflicting, opinions.
@ Rosanna: I don’t know where you got that ‘bring a bunch of yes men’ vibe from, considering the fact that I have the rule that the person you bring has to be honest in order to help you find what really does work for you as well as make you happy.
The point is to bring along a trusted ally rather than someone who can’t see beyond their own personal taste. For instance, I have a serious loathing (well-documented on this blog) of pickup skirts. They drive my little Virgo heart nuts. But if I was helping a bride who loved them find her perfect gown, my first comment on every dress wouldn’t be ‘that makes me long to iron everything perfectly flat’, but to discuss whether this neckline or the last one she tried on was more flattering, how the color looks on her, or whether I thought she glowed more in the last one.
In fact, the first comment shouldn’t even be what I think, it should be ‘what do you think?’ followed by more in-depth discussion.
And if, after taking the benefit of my advice, she still falls in love with the strapless cabbage-rose-print chintz pickup skirt, bubble-hemmed ballgown with all the bling in the world on it, it would then be my job and say ‘if that’s what makes you happy, then wear the hell out of it.’ Why? Because she’s the bride, it’s her wedding, and she gets to wear what she loves no matter how laughable or distressing someone else might find it to be.
But the shut up and don’t say anything critical at all part starts after the bride falls in love with the dress. Up to that point, you walk the line of honesty and support.
Despite what you see on the show, Kleinfeld isn’t big on big-ass groups. This is what they say in the appointment confirmation e-mail. (I’m headed there today – even though I swore up and down I wouldn’t go to K’s.)
Who to Bring
Bring the person with whom you want to share the fun of buying your gown and who will be honest with you. A small group helps to keep the focus on you. Of course, you don’t have to bring anyone.
I’m assuming the big groups are more common with the brides who go on the show, since everybody wants to be on teevee. Plus, they’re an instant drama magnet!
37ButterKnives, I absolutely imagine that most bridal salons prefer the bride elect to bring one or two people rather than a herd. More people means less control over how the appointment goes. I’ve seen a couple episodes where large groups go rampaging through the store randomly grabbing things for the bride to try on, whether or not they have anything to do with what she wants or whether they fit into her budget. Also, one or two candid yet supportive opinions is often far more help in making a decision than seven, just because it’s a little easier to get everyone on the same page.
I think I saw this episode too; if it’s the one I’m thinking it is, then the family proceeded to criticize the salesperson as well, and the store, as if it was their fault the bride liked a dress the rest of her family and friends did not like.
I definitely watched that episode and it broke my heart!!
When I went dress shopping I took along my two favorite people to go CLOTHES shopping with, ie. people who knew my own personal style and who I knew would be honest about what flattered and what didn’t. (And who have never steered me wrong in that regard). Left my mother at home (as I knew she wouldn’t gush the appropriate amount of enthusiasm when I found THE dress). And really. It’s about the gushing when bride + dress = YES.
PS. My salesperson was AMAZING. She listened to every comment we made about each dress, offered some very helpful comments of her own (about what could be altered and what couldn’t), and then found a dress that wasn’t on the floor yet that was THE dress.
I think I saw this episode too; if it’s the one I’m thinking it is, then the family proceeded to criticize the salesperson as well, and the store, as if it was their fault the bride liked a dress the rest of her family and friends did not like.