Brides can ask a lot from their bridesmaids. Not all brides, of course, but some do expect their bridesmaids to enthusiastically assemble favor boxes, address envelopes, fly to Vegas, and so forth. And most brides do expect their bridesmaids to at least buy matching or coordinating dresses, though there are a unique few who ask for nothing more than a LBD, preferably one that’s already in the bridesmaids’ closets. So what I’m wondering today, on this, the third day of bridesmaids’ week, is how much is too much when it comes to brides asking bridesmaids to put time, effort, and money into their wedding day ensemble? Is it okay, for example, for brides to:
Ask their bridesmaids to buy matching shoes?
How about adding the expense of matching jewelry on top of the dress and the shoes?
Can the bride reasonably request that all of her ‘maids pay out for matching wedding hairstyles?
Or even matching hair color?
Perhaps there’s the expense of matching tans, whether real or spray?
And you may have heard of extreme brides asking their attendants to pony up for matching cosmetic procedures?
Is there a dollar limit to what a bride can ask her bridesmaids to do or spend on their wedding day look? How about an ethical cap, a la not asking the bridesmaids to drastically change their appearances? And what if the bride is paying for the whole shebang, what then? Do the rules change?
(Some images via: Dott Photography; Megan W Photography)
Of course a bride should try not to put her ‘maids under too much financial pressure, and she can certainly be more demandig if she is shelling out herself. The cosmetic procedure might be a bit much though…
I’ve been bridesmaid a few times, and twice when I was un- or only partially employed. Most of the times, the brides were pretty good about not making too many demands. I’ve never had to buy the jewelry for an outfit; that usually comes as the gift at the rehearsal dinner. One bride got a better deal on her DJ than she budgeted for, so she offered to pay for half of our dresses if we all bought dyeable shoes to match, which was totally fine. Another, knowing most of the bridesmaids had to fly in from out of town, went with a much cheaper separates combo than the dress she’d been planning on and didn’t make us go to a stylist for our hair (a lot of us had theatre/styling backgrounds, so it wasn’t really needed AND there was not a prom-hair in sight!). A college friend once had a bride move her wedding to Ireland 6 WEEKS before the date, so on top of the dress and such, she had to buy international plane tickets, a room at a bed and breakfast and all the expenses that come with traveling overseas! I’d have had to say no to that one
I hang out with some pretty rad chicks, and I wouldn’t have any trouble saying no to a friend who is just expecting too much.
I’ve only been a bride’s maid once and it was easy cause all I had to do was wear a tux, but I have seen my girlfriend get tortured many, many times by brides who demand crazy things.
I do think though that weddings are an important thing to lots of chicks so some demands which are considered ridiculous should be ok and allowed. Of course the logistic and economic demands of one’s maid’s should also be taken into account. I guess it’s best for a bride who wants to be crazy to let all be known from the onset so she gets the right type of bridesmaids.
Or you could be chill about the whole thing which is probably best, IMHO.
Unrelated note: Those purple shoes…. WANT! 🙂
Related note: I did what I could to make it easy on my bridesmaids. Seeing how tight the budget was for our wedding, I didn’t want my maids/dudes to stress about their own branch of wedding finances. Time was the only thing I really wanted a lot of out of them, and everyone did what they could and things came together just fine.
I asked my bridesmaids to be in my wedding because they are my friends. I don’t expect them to do anything, except buy a dress (they’ll choose their own style), and walk down the aisle. I might ask them to do other stuff, but I’ll fully understand if they aren’t interested in those things. Other brides apparently see their bridesmaids as staff instead of friends. Based on true stories:
-A bride who expected the bridesmaids to be in charge of cleanup and kicking people out of the wedding reception venue at the end
-A bride who expected bridesmaids to all spend the night with her before the wedding despite the fact that all bridesmaids had flown in from out of state with significant others (and the bride wanted bridesmaids to spend the night in a different hotel in a different city)
-A bride who expected all of the food at her bachelorette weekend to be purchased by bridesmaids from farmers’ markets (locally grown), even though there were no farmers markets within 50 miles
-An American bride who asked her bridesmaids to throw her a bachelorette party in Paris (!)
Other than being asked to wear lavender, I have never had to do anything unreasonable as a bridesmaid.* The last time I was a bridesmaid was in 1990, so maybe things have changed. But my friends were generous – when I was unemployed, one friend’s parents paid for half of my dress and all of my hotel bill.
* Wait. I had to let a complete stranger put the garter on my leg. That is a horrible tradition, as has already been noted on this blog.
PS I, too, love the purple shoes.
I have been a bridesmaid twice, and both times, my friends have been very reasonable. In general, I feel like the bride should take in financial pressure, but also take into account how a bridesmaid is going to feel about altering herself. I couldn’t imagine changing my skin color for a bride’s sake, or getting a particular hair color or cut, and certainly not plastic surgery! Some bridesmaids might have other peculiarities– one of my friends always wears her hair unbound and straight down to her butt, for instance, and another one never wears dresses and would feel uncomfortable in one. I think a bride should take these things into account. Yeah, the wedding’s all about the bride and groom, but it helps if everyone else is happy and comfortable being there too.
I’ve been a bridesmaid once, and we did matching dresses plus matching shoes (the bride found them and bought them, we didn’t have any input). We also did matching mani/pedis, which was a little bit much for me.
I have to say I’m really, really not a fan of the matching-jewelry-as-bridesmaid-gift, in large part because it’s not a gift that takes the bridesmaids’ interests or personal taste or anything into mind. It’s a gift that suits the bride, at the end of the day, and that’s not really what a gift is supposed to be. If you want me to wear matching jewelry, fine (that much matching isn’t my thing, but hey), but don’t dress it up as a gift to me.